depression is a silent killer || √

004 - Reflection

I guess, this is what God had for me.

First, I saw Taehyung jump off the cliff with my own eyes;

Second, I saw Jin-hyung's bleeding wrist, heard his last words and his weak smile;

Third, I saw Hoseok, walk into the sea, the sea that we were once amazed by the beauty of it, drowning himself.

I can't take it.

It's too much for me.

I know every life's a movie

We got different stars and stories

We got different nights and mornings

Our scenarios ain't just boring

Every life is just like an unfinished movie, every one is the director of their own.

Life always revolve around your hands, depending on your decisions and the paths you chose to go.

Every human that cross paths with your life, is only actors that ought to appear, having their own meanings and lessons.

No matter what their meanings are, they are always people who bring colours to your dull movie, making it more lively and appealing.

Just like how actors work, making dull movies lively and appealing to the people outside.

But, they gave up.

They gave up on their own movie.

I wrote my own lyrics, I thought I wouldn't give up.

I thought, I would keep on going no matter what happened.

But, they are just mere 'thoughts'.

The moment you see your once lively members, become dull and sad, everyone would give up.

The dorm that was once noisy with laughter and jokes, once noisy with Jin-hyung's scoldings, once noisy with the friendly fights that we would have, was replaced with deafening silence with depressing sadness and agony.

It's all gone.

Everything's gone.

The dorm isn't noisy anymore; it's so quiet that you can even hear a needle fall on the ground.

Occasional sobs coming from Jungkook's room; that boy has fallen back into depression.

Angry piano sounds coming from the piano room; Jimin is pouring his heart out onto the piano, wishing that Yoongi-hyung would hear his calls for him to return home.

I, want to give up.

Jimin's depressed, Jungkook isn't as lively as he was, and Yoongi-hyung's missing.

I want to give up so badly.

You know, sometimes I really really hate myself.

To be honest, quite often, I hate myself.

I hate how weak I am.

I hate how I can't even cheer my members up.

I hate how, being the leader, I can't even find a missing member, moreover an important friend.

I really, really hate myself.

I'm so weak.

I hate how I give up so easily.

But.. if I give up now, Jimin and Jungkook would live by themselves.

I'm worried.

Jimin and Jungkook always had depression.

I can't just leave them like that.

If I give up now, Yoongi-hyung would be greeted by a dorm, silent, empty, dark and cold.

I can't do that.

I guess.. I'll wait for Yoongi-hyung to come back.

[Few Years Later]

Yoongi-hyung came back.

Jimin had changed, he became a little more happier than before.

I guess he tried to move on.

Jungkook became like we first saw him; introverted, doesn't talk, shy and not energetic.

He doesn't fool around, he doesn't play around anymore.

He isn't the Golden Maknae we used to know anymore.

Without the sounds of the maknaes fooling with each other, loneliness and emptiness washed over me.

I feel so lonely.

The me that wanted to give up, was just waiting for Yoongi-hyung's return.

Since he already came back, I guess I could give up on my movie now, peacefully.

The world is just another name for despair

My height is just another diameter for the earth

I guess that explains it all.

My existence is nothing more than just a mere living human, small and tiny living on the earth.

I wish I could love myself

I wished I didn't hate myself so much.

I wish I wasn't someone who hated themselves.

But, my self-consciousness is too strong.

Loving myself seemed out of the topic for me.

"We love you"

Few years ago, The Wings Tour Trilogy III

Our fans shouted on top of their lungs.

I was so touched, that I changed the lyrics.

Yes, I do love myself.

At that time, for Bangtan, for ARMYs, I valued myself, I battled with my self-hatred.

But now?

Everything's gone.

"You know it all, you're my best friend

The morning will come again"

The sun that's dull from the start, makes me don't want to live anymore.

"No darkness

No season

Can last forever"

Darkness had already consumed me completely.

Shedding the last tear I have

The me that's bathed in cold water, loses his breathing.

END

A/N : edited.