shait

21.02

I constantly find myself wondering why I don't feel loved. I know much People who tell me they love me with all they have (especially my mother lol) and even my few friends do.. but I don't feel like they do. My friends hug me 'n stuff, my mother does too.. but I don't feel the comfort, warm feeling  wich goes trough your chest and your whole body or the feel of smiling because you hug such persons. Of course I love my friends and family but I just don't exactly feel what I should if you consider the amount of love they show me.
 
I feel really empty to be honest. If that's the reason why I don't feel loved (because this emptiness crawls up my whole body) then I don't know what to do about it. I think this emptiness will last forever. But if the reason for that is that I hate myself.. I could solve that.  
 But it would take a really long time. I have to much I want to change about me and especially my body. 

I want to get thinner, I want to change my hair (like.. the colour), I don't  want my skin to fly around my arm when I raise my arm in class. I don't want that double chin anymore, my fingers are too fat, my legs also. My feet are disgusting. My butt could be  ten times bigger ( I eel like I don't have one. Even my sister tells me "Where did your butt go?") I feel the same about my boobs. My wrists are.. ew. My nails are too but.. I had to cut them short because my mother was worried I could scratch myself until I bleed. again.  My waist is also too big, my tummy is too ad my hips? I wish I could cut them off.  And I don't say all of that because I want attentions or compliments. Is just the truth. I don't feel confident with nothing I wear.

I already am losing weight.. not in the healthiest way but if I see I reach my goal of drinking 5l a day, I don't feel like complete shit.  hen I see on the scale I lost at least 0,5 kg I can start with some kind of  feeling in the day. My head tells me that I can be proud for what I'm doing ad for some hours I totally am. But this kind of emptiness is still there. Creeping me out.

And my personality is also so shitty. at one point I love you and give you al that I can offer but then the second after I could kill you and be really mean and cold to you. I can't help it. 
 I can go from pretending to be happy to a mentally ill psychopath who imagines to kill her teacher with a screwdriver she has in her pencil case. And if I love.. I will have a Love-hate relationship. I cant love properly or how it's shown in all the love movies.

One reason for the emptiness could be all the disappointments, fake people and hate I general I already went trough.  I think the more you get disappointed the more you get cold. You get colder and colder. Loose all the love and passion for something and eventually everything.
 Maybe you meet a person who can awake everything you were. The one who treat you like a King/Queen, like you are everything. But in my case.. This will almost be impossible. Much people just don't want to take so much energy to get to know me better, to handle m in general. I'm complicated an I know that. The fact that I can't offer anything or am too much drives me crazy. I try to change that about me. But then I see all the quotes saying "If someone doesn't do anything to get to know you they aren't worth your time or energy and especially your life and that shit. And sadly.. n hoe situations I believe such things. 
 In this point I'm trapped between "I'ts their bad luck that they don't want me in their lifes" and "I'm such a bad person and should just die because I shouldn't exist." With that last point comes also the suicidal thoughts I have..whops.
 After all.. I have two to three points why I don't feel loved.
 I either am too less/much, the hate I encounter myself or I'm just to broken for that. (baed on th shit with the disappointments)