shait

03.03.

Oh damn..
I'm sorry but I have to talk about my feelings and ex again.
I miss him so much. I'm still in love with him and it annoys me so much.
I can't love my normal life because everything reminds me of him.. I want to cry all the time but I can't. I have to hold my emotions towards him back because I don't want to annoy him or make everything worse..
When he left.. he left with a piece of me with was ment to be his for a lifetime but now? I just feel empty and sad.
Do you know this emptiness after you cried? yeah.. that's shitty.
If I could I would just tell him everything..
how I feel..
how I think about all of that..
how I am.. but that's not what he want to hear. He is not interested in me anymore.. he has a new girlfriend and that's what hurts the most. To know that you weren't enough. Not good enough. That.. you were the mistake he made after finding maybe "the one"
I'm still asking myself what's wrong with me. I mean he didn't leave without a reason. Okay he loves another girl and maybe that's the reason but I don't understand it. We had almost everything.. and now it's gone. And I lose hope that I will survive this year without him. The thought if him and I coming back to better.. It made me happy once. But now that I know he doesen't even want me back just drags me into a hole of emti- and sadness.
I can't laugh anymore. Not like I used to. It's not real anymore and it costs so much energy to pretend you don't miss someone. When someone asks you in person if you still live them.. I always say "I don't know" It's not a yes but also not a no.
But the point is:
I just want to burst out in tears, lay in my bed, don't talk to anyone so everybody forgets me and just kill myself.
I don't want to live without him any  longer and that's what kills me a little more inside. Everyday.. a little more and one day. I'll be dead. Hopefully soon.