Thoughts of a Thinker

Chapter two

The day passes quickly, and I find myself sitting in my last block which is English. My eyes hunt for an empty seat before landing on their target. Walking towards the seat I notice a spark of anxiety in my stomach. I ignore it and walk forward anticipating the weight being lifted from my fatigued legs. I notice the boy occupying the seat next to my potential desk.

Shook is how I feel as my eyes take in the view. His eyes stare back, and I wonder if the ocean is even that blue. His hair appears midnight black. I look up and down his face and my heartbeat picks up a fraction. Somehow, I have been sent into a frenzy and I feel heat rush to my cheeks. His blue eyes study me intently and I notice his lips part while he speaks."This seat is taken," he says before looking back at his book. That is not the response I expected. I shake my head in embarrassment before getting up and sitting as far away as possible.

I feel eyes on the back of my head and turn instinctively. The same boy who was short with me seconds ago, stares back. I become distracted as I notice the entry of another teenage boy who sits the same place I stood by earlier. "Ladies and gentlemen, please open your new text to page 204 where we will begin," the teacher says, attempting to catch the attention of distracted students. I turn to the front of the room and decide to focus in on the Lesson.

I can't shake the feeling of eyes watching me. It makes me nervous in all sorts of ways. I feel as if being the new girl has placed some sort of cruel target on my back. What if the kids in this school are merely here to contribute to my humiliation. So many things run through my head and I feel my hands become sweaty. Suddenly I feel claustrophobic and I need to leave. I stand up straight and rush out the door without explanation. Curious eyes follow me as I push myself through the door and into the halls. "Excuse me Rena, class is not finished!" The teacher's protests echo behind me, before drowning in the space left behind.

I find myself shivering as I walk snow filled streets. I sit on a park bench and stare into nothing. My dizzy mind blanks and my thoughts now aren't my own. Things jump at me and taunt me as I cower against my attackers. Breathing becomes hard and my breaths leave my mouth in pants. They stare at me with expressions that fill my bones with only terror. I scream and then they fade, and I'm left with only the sound of my pity filled sobs. Tears run down my cheeks at an unhealthy pace.

My head hangs in defeat knowing these terrors will never leave me. They only get worse. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them what I see. Reality and imaginary walk a thin line in my brain; nearly impossible to decipher, between the two. All my life the words and sights of other minds, stalk every corner of my brain. If you asked me what scared me the most; I would say me. I'm the very bane to my Biggest horrors. I'm the monster beneath your bed while you sleep and I'm the silhouette in the ally you fear. My mind, the only culprit to my greatest distress.

A day where I see what's real isn't even possible anymore. Before I would dream of the normality that life would consist of. Now the paranoia has taken it's hold on my brain and dreams are heavily clouded by my fears. I'm a puppet master watching from afar as the puppet master perfects it's performance. I am at a loss of all sanity and as of now; loosing to the world which requests disaster. I am the disaster they crave and the imagery they create. Living in my head is never an easy task especially when all others can read your thoughts as if they were their own.

Wiping my tears, I look up and see someone staring back. I'm curious if this is my brain playing more evil tricks on me or if this is really happening. It's the same boy who watched me during second period. This time instead of a harsh tsunami, I see a calm gentle sea in his eyes. This comforts me until he steps closer. "W-what are you doing?" I stutter through tear stained lips. I cover my mouth to quiet the sobs, feeling embarrassed once again. His hands reach forward and grasp mine removing them from my mouth. Sobs escape in strange noises as I try to hold back. I should be scared, but for some reason I let him pull me close. He holds me while I cry into his shirt and I grow confused. Although I don't understand myself, I know I don't trust anyone, including myself. So why am I crying in a stranger's arms, feeling as if I'm engulfed in a sea of comfort?