Thoughts of a Thinker

Chapter ten

When your fingertips become frozen and your thoughts destructive; how do you find your calm?

In the moment I see fiery and anger and betrayal. Then within the next second pain, and sadness leak through me. Analyzing my inner self is the smartest thing I could've done. Instead of looking to them for answers I looked within myself.

When it was time to look up from the ground, I noticed two pairs of peering eyes. I didn't waste time before backing away slowly and then turning into a run across the field.

"Rena! Hear me out!" Vincent yells. Ember doesn't say anything which deepens the feeling that she was never a real friend.

I can't feel the gratitude now, but I know it will seep in once the anger dims.

Gratitude that I learned of the evil, these two humans processed sooner then later.

My feet slow as I get further from the scene and I walk the rest of the way home. I'm sure my demeaner is dull and depressed. The trees seem sad and the sky turns grey. Almost like the world around me, mirrors my thoughts.

Once I'm home I sit on my bed. My gaze falls on my white wall.

I stare for what feels like seconds but turns to minutes.

"Rena?" I hear as my mom's bedroom door squeaks open. "Are you home already?" My mom's voice continues.

"Yeah, I'm in here," I call back. My voice is void of clarity due to the tears I hold back.

"Hunny? Is everything okay?" My mom's concerned voice questions.

As soon as we make eye contact I crack and my sobs come out frantic. Her arms wrapped themselves around me and I let everything out.

I was dreading the questions she would later ask me but for now, I cried. I cried harder then I've ever cried, and I wish I could stop. Not because I wanted to feel better. I wanted to stop because neither of them are worth my tears.

I can't help but feel their actions were sinister. Why would they do such a thing? I know Vincent and I aren't dating, but still. Ember was my best friend. So why would she go behind mt back like that? As for Vincent, I wish I had never talked to him in the first place.

My mom rubs my back soothingly and thankfully doesn't say anything. Heartbreak is a funny thing. When you've never experienced it, you think it is only a saying, but here I am, broken hearted.

"You're shaking Rena," my mom says.

"I-I can't sto- stop," I say in between tears once again feeling pathetic.

I see Ember in a whole new light now. I was already apprehensive about Vincent, so it wasn't that big of a surprise. Ember however, I would have never seen this coming. I guess sometimes a plane needs to crash before you find out something was wrong with it.

"Talk to me about anything you need Rena, ok? I'm here for you always remember that," she says filled with sympathy. "I love you," she adds.

"I love you too mom," I say feeling calmer. However, I'm still shaking viciously, and my heart beat is thumping through my whole body. I feel queasy, like I could puke any second. There is a permeant ache in my chest and I feel stress in my temples.

The thing about heartbreak is it never fully heals. A broken arm hurts, but only for a short period of time. The trauma I'm talking about rips through your body dramatically and slowly; as if it pauses every few seconds, for effect.

Eventually you learn to co-exist with it. The pain I mean. Soon it feels like it was never really there. Until someone says or does something that makes you feel it's familiarity. Then it all floods back.

It's not even the person or people that hurt you who make it unbearable. They don't matter anymore. It's the feeling you felt in that moment. That's what changes you beyond return.

"Did you hear a knock?" my mom says after a small noise interrupts my thoughts

"Yeah, can you get it? I don't really want to see anyone right now," I say solemnly.

"Of course, I'll be back in a couple seconds. Maybe you could put a movie on?" This Is why she's the best mom ever.

I nod in response before she leaves.

Flipping through movies I find a Disney movie I've never seen before and know it will cheer me up.

I hear quiet chatter that grows louder as It gets closer. Oh god, who did my mom invite in? I thought she understood when I said I didn't want to see anyone. My door squeaks open and behind, is the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Winston stands there grinning like a dork with a bouquet of tulips and a big teddy bear.

"Why so glum, chum?" he says. Suddenly I'm smiling at his stupidity. I guess everything really does happen for a reason.