Thoughts of a Thinker

Chapter four

        My parents used to think I had insomnia. Sleepless nights are far too familiar for me. Every night while I laid in bed, a lady would watch me. If I were to move she would punish me. I always knew this, but never the extent of the punishment. One night I figured I could move quickly, while she looked away.

        The next day, I was molested

        Sleep has become the biggest nightmare of them all. This ultimately makes all of life more difficult. What's been learned however: is that life doesn't stop for anyone, no matter the circumstance.

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        Hope is edging the corners of my mind. Almost the entire week has gone by and nothing remotely eventful has occurred. Asides from my first day of school of course. This is how I like living. Simplicity dancing around corners and jumping obstacles to shield me. I like to be small in a crowd. Hiding within the normality of their lives; molding mine to fit theirs.

        Unfortunately, life gets complicated. You know what follows complication?

         Chaos.

        Looking ahead of me I notice my mom has placed a steaming bowl of plain oatmeal in my vision. The perfect meal for a plain and simple day. "thanks," I say through my oatmeal filled mouth.

        "Manners Rena." She scolds as if I were five years younger. I give her a pointed look and she directs one of accusation back.

         Soon my bowl is empty and I'm in the driveway getting into Ember's car. "Heeeeeyyy." I drag out, feeling goofy. She looks at me and giggles.

        "What's gotten into you Re." She laughs out. Her laugh is airy and light; I couldn't say the same for mine.

        "Oh, you know, just excited for school obviously," I say sarcastically. Her lips turn upwards and she smiles like a dork.

         "mhmm excited for school or for English class?" she says mockingly, and I can't help but laugh. Ember and I have gotten much closer since my first day of school. She did promise we would be friends. I guess her promises shouldn't be taken lightly.

        "How do you know I don't have a secret passion for English?" I say, faking defensiveness. She gives me a flat look and I confess. "Okaay, maybe English isn't my focus."

        "speaking of Vincent, how are things going with him." She waits expectantly for my answer. Ember is so intrigued by gossip; it makes me cautious about fueling the obsession.

        "Things are fine; we have been hanging out a lot I guess."

        Then someone runs in front of the car and I scream. "Stop!" I say "Ember, stop the car!" I am frantic in my demands and she slams on the breaks. Before we come to a stop, we are jolted forward by the impact of a car from behind. My ears ring and body aches. I look to Ember to see if she is alright.

        "What the hell Rena?" she says, her voice filled with anger. "Why did you tell me to stop? You scared me! Do you know how much trouble I am going to get into?" She says this with venom dripping from each word and I cringe internally.

        Every word hurts more then the last and I feel a small ping in my chest. "There was someone there! I swear..." I defend. She looks unconvinced and the feeling of crazy has returned.

         She ignores me and gets out of her SUV. I watch her converse with the other driver and exchange information. She gets back in the car and lets out a puff of air.

         We sit in silence both of us just staring ahead. Ember breaks the silence. "I didn't mean it Re. I was just really upset," she says. I get the feeling she's still angry with me. Ember is the type that couldn't bare the thought of someone not liking her or being mad at her. she apologizes all the time because of this. It bothers me, it really does. I don't like not knowing where I stand with people.

         "It's ok, I just thought I saw someone. I'm sorry," I say. I look up from my lap to analyze her reaction. She maintains an emotionless face. I find paranoia in not knowing what she feels. I like to understand the vantage point of everyone I interact with; it gives me comfort.

         The car ride passes in more dragged out silence and soon I'm in my first class. I hate how a great start to the day can relapse in a matter of seconds. The day is slowed to prolonged milliseconds. My mind loses focus on everything asides from the person I saw earlier. I punish myself internally for what I have sinned. The guilt remains settled in my stomach and chest. Solid as cement; it is unmoving.

         When will simplicity return? I groan internally.