What we uncover

Chapter 2- Cuddles instead?

After my mom and I had our complete break down session, she convinced me to come downstairs with her so we could talk.

I knew she was going to try to be sympathetic so I had to brace myself. I hated when she got sympathetic because it activated the water works, and the two of us would cry for hours on end.

"So what do you want to talk about ? "I asked while biting my lip. Which was a habit I could not stop myself from doing.

"First of all you need to know that I love you and I would never leave your side no matter how tough the road ahead looks ,and I would never lock you out of my life the way you did me." She said with a stern voice.

"I love you too mother , and I'm really sorry. I haven't been thinking clearly , its like this illness has consumed my mind , my body and my soul and all I can think about is- why me ?"
I said with tears already forming in my eyes.

"I know this is hard and I know that's this was never what you had expected. After your fath--" she stopped and swallowed the bile in he throat.

"Mom , please. You don't need to talk about him. He chose to remove himself from our equation and we don't really need him , we can complete our own equation. We're better off without him you know what they say, three's a crowd ." I tried to convince her and mainly myself .

"but this is important,and it concerns hi--."

"No buts mother. He is nothing to us. Nothing in our lives will ever concern him or his precious Elisabeth again. It was his choice to leave, it was his choice to leave us stranded on this island of life , and I sure as hell am not allowing him on this rescue boat , because he will only come along and sink it further!" I yelled at her and made my way back up the stairs and slammed my door shut.

Once my door was closed I slid down against the door with my hand in front of my mouth to quite the sobs.

"This is all his fault , he should never have left us. When he said he loved me he lied and I will never trust with my whole heart like that very again. I will never love again , not even myself."I whispered silently while rocking my body back and forth while in a fettle position.

Hours later
I woke up feeling numb again.
The feeling that came over me whenever I cried myself to sleep because of him.

However this time I didn't wake up sad. I felt angry and depressed. I knew that my depression was coming back. I had depression when i was thirteen years old. This was when I had first realised that my father was having an affair. With his " girl best friend "-Elisabeth.

The two have them have known each other for years. They were in sync. Whenever my she was sick ,he was sick. Whenever he would get hurt she was hurt.
Like the time my father was in a car accident and she couldn't walk properly because her leg hurt at the same place his was broken.

They were a force to be reckoned with but he 'fell in love' with my mother. He chose my mother because she was so pure hearted ,and she could read his mind like no other woman could , not even Elisabeth.

My mother and father met in high school they were both thirteen years old and according to my parents it was love at first sight, for both of them. She bailed him out of detention , or some other sappy shit, but the fact is she could read him like a book and he was instantly drawn to her .

Thinking about it today it's actually infuriating. He used her to become a better person. He used her love and fed off of it to become a stronger being and in returned he left her dried, shriveled and dead. He took and took and left her with nothing - but me.

My mother says that I was the greatest gift he gave her."No amount of costly perfume, flowers or expensive restaurants, could come close to the price I would pay to have you by my side each and every day" is what my mother always tells me. How is she so convinced that I'm worth her time and energy.

She does so much for me and I love her dearly for it. However no amount of love she can give me with fill the gaping hole in my heart .

I hope that someday I will be able to find what my mom and dad had , but I also hope that I will be able to keep it, and not have it be temporary -until his healing process is complete so he can make someone else happy.

***

Knock knock...
The sound of my mothers light, uncertain knocks on the door woke me from my slumber .

"The doors open mom. "
She hesitantly opened the door.

"I was wondering if you wanted surf and turf for dinner, or are you not feeling hungry?"she asked in a shaky voice and it broke my heart, because I knew it was because she was crying this whole time and she probably hasn't been sleeping properly or at all.

"Could you please come and cuddle for a while instead ?" Her eyes widened in response.

I use to ask her to cuddle with me when I was younger and had a bad day or really bad dream. She would lay down next to me in bed and hum sweet song in my ears , while planting soft , motherly kisses all over my face, in order for the 'pain to evaporate from my body and into hers' as she always said. I never understood what she meant until I was older. She was willing to extract my pain and worry into her soul because she felt she was strong enough to fight them for me.

"Are you sure honey?" She asked hopefully.

"Yes mother , allow me to evaporate your pain and take it into me , I'm strong enough to be your life line as you are always mine."

Tears formed into her eyes as we cuddle. This time I had taken her position. I was planting soft kisses on her face and humming into her ear.

"Thank you" she said as she fell asleep.

My heart was content. Having her with me made me better, but I was still going to have to figure out how to put a premature end to this depression.
Fast, or else I will fall into a trap again.