Hai.
I'm sorry.
This first chapter will already be pretty deep.
I just need to let this all out, and if not now, I think I will collapse.
I'm ...
It's getting bad again.
The absolutely worst about this is, that I don't know, if I triggered myself or if it just came back.
I really don't know. What I know is, that it's getting bad again.
The last week all these toughts came back, and with them I fell deeper and deeper, into the darkness.
Maybe it's because I've been fine for one and a half months.
Maybe because I tought about it.
Maybe I am just dumb.
But it's back.
I've selfharmed again.
I try to lose wait again.
I try to still be the picture perfect teenager.
I am under pressure and feel sick when thinking about school.
And I just don't know what to do.
My head said, that I am faking.
It's telling me, that I am overdramatic and pushed myself into this.
I have nothing.
And I believe that.
On one side, I know that something is wrong.
On the other side, why should I have something?
Neither am I skinny enough, my arms are still jiggeling, I have no thigh gap, no flat stomach, nor do I have enough scars.
I have suicidal toughts.
Nothing serious tough.
My head just tells me, that I should do that and that, so that I will die. Shows me ways how to do it.
But I would never kill myself.
There are always people who have it worse. I shouldn't complain.
Maybe I've driven myself into this, but now once again I can't seem to get out.
I am a failure;
In one chat I act happy, in the other sad, in real life my inside is dead.
