So here I am.
Hello.
This chapter - my last one on this account.
Listen to the song above please, it does hold a lot of meaning to me.
Okay the last chapter was around one month ago, and after this one I'll go on a hiatus here, that hopefully lasts forever.
Because it is one of the last steps in a closing process, to get rid of the past.
So, I'll just go on and ramble a bit, because I need one last let-out - and then I'm fine.
So, ...
Servus.
I'm gonna talk about all these feelings in those roller-coaster-years and maybe can give you a deeper insight into my head. And the last one. Afterwards I won't annoy you anymore.
Trigger warning
I want to ask you.
Have you ever laid there and felt the desire, the need for pain?
The need to feel the hot flushes you feel when you press something against the knew cuts.
It's kind of interesting, how different tools let behind different wounds.
A cutter-knife makes thin cuts, where blooddrops are pouring down. You cannot see the scars unless the light hits them in the right angle.
A nail-scussor... it looks like a valley filled with blood, that doesn't pour out but rather stay inside and colour the valley in a deep red. The scars are pinkish and if you stretch them they turn white. And eventough they're healed, you can still see the cut.
A dull scissor leaves a mix of the both above.
"Oh god I hate myself"
"Lol that makes me so depressed!"
"You look anorexic!"
"Omg I have anxiety lol!"
"Lol I wish I could die."
The freeness of speech does hurt.
Because if you have once been in a so fucking depressed mode for days or weeks that you lose chunks of your memories and fail some of you classes and feel that horrible inner pain and emptiness, you'll never once again say that something makes you depressed - because it doesn't and your glad that the feeling just isn't the same.
I have the feeling that most people don't really know what exactly depressed means. But I cannot define it either.
You want to kill yourself?
Why?
Because you have another lesson before you can go home? You pity yourself.
Would you say it if you would have tought about this more seriously? If a voice had multiple times a day told you why everyone is better of without you?
I guess not.
"Omg (s)he is so anorexic!"
Skipping meals, dark and foggy minds, counting calories, never-ending hunger, pain, crying, sad parents, finally losing weight, but to fast and never enough.
Hollow cheeks, dull skin, no periods.
Feeling like dying.
But still not being skinny.
And a lot of hatred towards yourself.
You don't like to talk to strangers and are really introverted?
"Omg my anxiety is so bad!"
Can you enter a train without feeling watched?
Can you hear someone laugh and not think they laugh about you?
Can you feel your face getting red, your heart starting to beat faster, your back to burn with hot flushes, you sweating and when you look up your hearing is kind of bad?
Have you ever, on the way to school, felt so sick that your metabolism collapsed and you nearly threw up?
Can you walk down the hallway or stand in front of a mirror together with other people?
Can you go and buy something on your own?
Can you ask the cashier if he could change a five euro bill?
Can you easily pick up the phone?
Can you open the door and pay when you ordered food?
Can you go trough a huge number of people?
Can you, even if there are only a few people, walk past them without breathing faster or mit breathing at all - or avoiding them completely.
Can you endure feeling utterly alone in a room full of people?
Can you stand a voice always telling you how you annoy others?
Can you live with the toughts of your friends hating you?
Can you be in a constant state of fear when talking - even over Whatsapp etc.?
