Dark here

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I realise that I should specify what I upload here, so the readers who don't want to read it don't have to waste their time here.

So, it's dark.
This is my very last and only outlet, there is no other for me.
So I write.
I'm writing it all down here.
And it maybe will trigger you, will throw you back.
If that's the case than please don't, just don't read it.

Okay, for the last days.
What has happend?
It only got worse, so so much worse.
I hate my body.
Oh god.
It's gotten so bad once again.
I hear the voice telling me all this, telling me how disgusting I am, how worthless, how fat.
For a few days I eat no sweets and feel not as worthless anymore - but neither am I skinny enough nor smart enough nor ... enough.

I've yesterday and today fallen back into eating sweets and it's so horrible.

I've fallen back into selfharming, but this time it's worse than ever.

Cutter knifes, those for cardboard - just one slide and you bleed.
And it burns.
It burns like hell.
By now I should know that they'll notice, that they'll find out.
The warm weather is coming and school sports too.
I don't know what to do.

And this time they'll yell at me.
Ask me what's wrong, why I'd do this to them.
The eating problems - "are you staring this shit now again? I don't need a daughter who does this right now, I have enough problems!"

It's so bad.
At times it gets better, for one hour, 40 minutes.
And than it all crashes.
It's painful.
Inner pain.
And I don't want it.
But why am I complaining.

People don't care and others have it worse.

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