The bad thing when losing someone is, that you miss them.
And I don't mean "lose", like in a deathcase.
No.
If the person is still sitting next to you, but neither talking to nor looking at you.
I've fought with my "friends" over my morals, they went against me because I protected someone.
And looking back I see, that over the last month(s) they started treating me badly.
They were the reason for a lot of my insecurities, my anxiety, for my downward spiral.
They hurt me.
They said fucking hurtful things to me.
We've split ways.
For around one month.
And now I am missing them.
I am fucking missing them.
When I see how loving they are to each other I feel empty.
Because I miss the warmth.
The big cozy hugs and witty jokes.
But even before we fell apart, I was the fifth weel.
They didn't need me and that just feed my anxietys.
Scarring your wrist is a completly different pain than the arm or leg.
It's because of... everything.
I've sworren to this friends to never do it again, but now I guess they wouldn't even care.
Why should they.
Trees and greeks and mazes and shadows.
I miss them.
But if I ever come back, they'll just hurt me once again.
Again giving me the feeling of being unwanted.
I am hating myself, and that's making it worse.
I think, most people who say they hate themself have never experienced the real hate you can feel towards yourself.
I am not even able to help others anymore.
And we don't need to start with talking about school.
I probably should go to sleep.
It's cold brr
