Scrutinize

one

You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.  - Robin Sharma

Funerals suck.

Out of anyone, I should know, since I attended my own.

It was nice, exactly how I would have wanted it. I guess Eleanor had a large say in all that happened. There were colorful flowers, a nice gravestone, and the casket wasn't anything special. Eleanor had put my favorite thing right on top of the casket: a guitar pick.

You're probably wondering, how in the world did you attend your own funeral?

No, I didn't pull an Augustus Waters and have a practice run. I couldn't have.

I watched, though. I watched it. I left the body I was once in, and basically, under human terms, became a spirit.

But I still have feelings. Don't think that I don't. I just can't feel anything, and I can't talk to anyone. I think.

"Many people have said, 'Sorry for your loss, Eleanor,' " my little sister had said. "You know what I said? 'There's nothing you could have done.' I bet he would have said, 'Shut up. You do know that means absolutely nothing to anyone? Get with it, dude.' " Small chuckles sounded by my grave, and I grinned. Well, as well as a 'spirit' can, I guess. That's exactly what I would have said.

"Jane and I, during his death and before we knew he had died, were watching television. I think the show was Full House, one of the shows we used to watch when he wasn't around because he began to hate it when we played it so often," she continues, putting the paper with her written speech on it in her sweater pocket. She put her hands back on the podium. "The episode was called 'The Last Dance,' I believe. It was while D.J. and Kimmy were arguing over some pair of sunglasses that the phone rang. A man, who was freaking out and crying, said that he found this boy's phone in his jacket pocket. A sad Full House episode for the worst night of my life so far."

"I loved him, and I always will love him. Sometimes, I wonder if we hadn't-" she started to cry now, "hadn't been watching the show every night, he wouldn't be in that casket. But then I know that he isn't in the casket anymore. His body is. He will always be with me, with Jane, with all of us. I almost am completely positive of it. Thanks."

Eleanor went back to her seat, and little Jane, oh, little Jane stood up and walked to the podium. Sorrow panged in my chest, but I knew I couldn't go back.

"Hello," Jane said, "I'm Jane Olivia, and I am Eleanor and his little sister. It's hard for us to cope with his death, especially since it is still surreal. I had to look up that word, instead of asking him what it meant. I had troubles at school, and I always would go to him. It was normally at night when we talked. His favorite quote was, 'Every day is a new day. Take a deep breath, smile, and start again.' He would tell me that every single time I complained about it. I always did. He helped me cope with bullies, friends, Eleanor, parents, and red-headed queens. He would always tell me that after every one of the conversations. Thank you all for coming and remembering the best brother who ever lived."

She stepped off of the step stool and walked quietly back to her seat and to our parents and Eleanor Marie. The priest began to drone on, and that was when I left.

I just couldn't stay any longer. I wasn't even supposed to be there in the first place.

I flew up into the clouds, on my way to the park across the street from my old home. I flew down and 'sat' in my favorite tree, watching people walk by. Someone was feeding the ducks crackers, and others were walking on the path. A few parents were conversing while their children played on the red playground, and a few teens were studying under trees. I only watched, not for long, but I took everything in.

I sat in this tree exactly three hours, twenty-four minutes, and fifty-one seconds before my death.