Philophobia

Paint it black.

I wake up a second time to a beeping noise, groaning at the bright light. I open my eyes and rub the sleep out of them.

"Why, nice of you to wake up, Frankie."

My mothers voice is cold as ice cream and I flinch at the sound. I turn my head to meet her eyes. They're such a pretty shade of blue, but no emotion lies inside them. They're dead, empty.

I suddenly notice that she's talking to me, her voice sweet as sugar. "Didn't I do a good job of raising you Frankie? Didn't I buy you the shitty clothes you wanted and let you learn shitty instruments and let you get that awful piercing for your birthday? What more can I do? I've done everything I can. I've tried to please you and keep you out of my hair, but it never works. What more can I do, Frankie?"

I look at her, just look at her. I can feel my face turning a bright red, the anger flowing through my veins. I want to hurt myself, to get this anger out. I have to hurt something.

My mother smiles and I snap.

"What more can you do?! That's a long fucking list, mother. You could fucking care for once, you could actually fucking give a shit. You could stop fucking putting me down all the time, calling my a useless fag and all of that. You could get dad to not hit me, to not do what he does. You. Could. Fucking. Love. Me." I notice the tears streaming down my face and I try to take a deep breath. I look at her again, barely able to whisper. "Why don't you love me?"

She takes a moment, hands me a tissue, and then thinks. She just thinks.

Finally, about twenty minutes later, I get an answer.

"Because loving people is fatal, deadly. All that will come from love is pain. If I teach you anything, let it be that you should never love anyone. You'll only get hurt."

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Mikey and Gerard were wrestling on the ground for a Starbucks gift card I had thrown on the ground, making me laugh. Mikey won, cause Gerard to stomp off. When he was back, he had a black cloth in his hand. He handed it to me.

"I dyed the hospital gown black. I thought it would suit you better."

I grinned. This was awesome. He had painted a large red 'xøfrnkie' on it.

That was the last time I saw Gerard.