Kavi: What happens in Paris, stays in Paris.

The Journal

Cassidy POV
I woke up wrapped in a soft satin blanket. What, where am I? I sat up and rested my head up against the singing head board. I exhaled loudly and rubbed my head.
"Good morning." Said a near by voice.
"AH!" Out of instinct I grabbed the shirt collar of the unknown person and pulled my arm back ready like I'm to hit someone.
"Cassidy. Woah what are you doing? Settle down." Exclaimed... Kevin.
I sighed in relief and let go of him. I leaned my head back against the headboard and stared at the ceiling.
"Kevin, I'm so sorry. I... I thought you where... Someone else." I paused several times searching for the right words. This is why I haven't really gotten close to anyone since I started working for... Them, I always end up hurting anyone close to me. It's not like I chose to, I'm forced to.
"Well, would you like anything to eat?" Kevin asked changing the topic.
"Um yes please. I mean if it's not too much of a hassle." I've been working on my manners these past few hours.
"My treat." He smiled, turned around and left the room.
I was reaching for my purse when I realized... Where's my purse!? It's not like it has all my make-up and stuff, I'm not a girly person, it has my journal and small weapons. Like I said, not girly. I shuffle around the covers and frantically search the room. I pace around the room tracing back my steps. I look around the perimeter AGAIN. And I final spotted my purse under some covers I threw on the ground. That could have been bad, someone could have found my weapons, ID, or money but even worse my... Journal.
I know what you're thinking "It's just a notebook. Just buy another one." It's not JUST A JOURNAL. It's what it contains is the important part. I bet you're wondering,"What's inside the journal?" And that is a very good question. I'm afraid I cannot answer that now but... Soon. Some of the stuff is little things ranging from my thoughts on current music to my social life but most is NOT anything close to that. Most of its grief, pain, death, and basically my entire soulless past.
6/19/11 Dear Journal,
Hi, I'm Cassidy Moore. I thought keeping a journal would be fun. So I have a pretty fucked up life. Today I dodged 4 bullets and two security guards with night sticks. I successfully completed my mission. But my boss said I did a sloppy job so he had to "teach me a lesson". Which consists of 8 kicks to my back/spine area and two slaps to the face. He says that it makes us stronger. I used to try to fight back but that's useless. Anyway that was today, hopefully tomorrow will be better. Oh wait by the way I'm a hitman.
-Cassidy
That was my first ever in this whole journal. It's the first and only time I have ever announced what I... Was. The thought of me being that monster made my cringe. Thinking of all the terrible things I've done to other made my feel like I have to even it out.
I would cut myself. I know what you're thinking Oh my gosh but you're perfect and all this nice shit but that's not what I want to hear, the truth is what I want. Imagine being a full time killer for years and years and then having to look back on it. It's horrible. Seeing their face right before I end their life is the worst thing in the world. Their eyes only beg for me not to do it and are full of worry but then I pull the trigger. I DO IT. Its so hard waking up everyday knowing you're a coldhearted killer. Not only that but I am forced to do it. I MUST pull the trigger. You're probably thinking just don't do it but it's not that simple. If I don't kill them I... I can't even talk about what will happen. I'm sorry I'm just not ready.
You can't even imagine the mental pain I experience every single day.
You're nothing but a killer.
God will never love you.
No one will ever love you
You are worthless.
Those words are all I hear 24/7. It's all in my head. A never ending supply of mockery and insults keeping me up awake every night. With all the pain I bring others I thought it would make it even if I brought myself pain to but sometimes my old boss does the beating for me. I just do the cutting. And no I can't simply just stop but I HAVE to I MUST STOP. And I think anyone has the power to stop self-harming because each and every one of us are created by god for a reason, and god doesn't make mistakes. It just took me a long time to realize that I'm far more than what the voices say I am.
A/N Heyyy thanks for reading! Sorry for a short chapter the next one will have more Kavi stuff don't worry. You guys should look up Sam Tsui he is an amazing singer mad I find him very attractive. Anyway thanks again for reading!
-xoxo Harper