We See What We Want

Before

There are 2 options: He is going to harm himself or he is going to harm me. It's not like he hasn't done either of those already. James has become unrecognizable. When I met him 3 years ago, he never shown such vile signs. Within the last year something has switched within him. He's become compulsive, obsessive and destructive. Threatening to kill himself if I leave, leaving bruises on me if he ever thought I was being dishonest. He's even taken it to the extent of mutilation of his own body if we had an argument. All in a sense manipulating me to stay with him.

I used to never want to be without him, that thought was never a concern, until he began his sociopathic ways. I always reminded him that the more pain he continues to inflict on himself or on me, I would have no choice but to leave him. That just would infuriate him more, he became more cunning, thinking of other manipulations, all of which gotten severely worse over time. It has gotten to out of hand, It's now no longer remotely safe to further this relationship.

'What if he goes ballistic, what if this gives him that extra nudge to make him destruct? What if I get hurt?' I've been asking myself this on a continuous loop.

For the last few months. I've been planning on ending this, especially when he cheated on me. This is where the madness had begun.

Although, it wasn't until today I really felt well prepared for any possible backfire. If anything goes wrong I know I have back up. I've contacted his mom so she is aware of the events that has been occurring.

When I finally decided to leave him for good. I began gathering video documentation and photos of all the threats, accusations and harm he caused me. I knew I would have too, no one other than Lily would believe me. He is so charming and deceptive. That's why I had to show all the proof to his mom, rather than the police. I want to give him second chance at life, a chance to fix himself. If I had sent all of those photos and videos to the police his life will be in ruins. No matter of all the pain he's inflicted on me I couldn't do that to anyone. Even if they are a monster.

"I can tell your nervous; but you need to remember this is such a toxic relationship Stella. I'm worried about your safety. You need to do this for yourself, and for the fact that he is clearly not well."

Lily is right. I just don't know how to tell him without further repercussions. I remind myself that Lily is going to be in car, I have pepper spray and his mum will be outside the room listening in if anything were to go wrong.

"Okay I think I'm ready" I tell Lily as I wipe a tear from my face.

She looks at me, her eyes full of concern, but she tries to mask it when she gives me a hug. I embraced her hard not wanting to leave. I pulled away, looking out the window, the rain pounding on the windshields. The very dim light from the houses around slightly lightens the pitch black streets. The wind howling, while blowing the remaining leaves off the trees. I stepped out of the car, hesitant to leave, but I know I had to do this. This sudden determination had pushed me out of the car, I know this will end when he's away from me. No more pain, no more pain I repeat in my mind.

With one swift rush I walked towards the door. I look back at Lily; she mouths 'good luck'. My heart drop, that split second of adenine has left as soon as the door crept open. Thank god it was his mum, this gives me a bit of time to compose myself before I need to bombard his room.

"He's up stairs" his mum says gesturing at the stairs. I nod looking down. I maintain looking at the floor while removing my sopping coat. "I'm so sorry Stella, I don't know where I went wrong with him" her voice very hush.

Looking at her this way makes me ache. I walk towards her. In hopes of reassuring her that what her son is, isn't he making, he is his own person. No one made him the way he is, other than himself.

I turn away from her and began to slowly walk up the stairs, taking advantage of the time. I try to calm myself down on the way to his bedroom door. I peak through the crack of the door, he's sitting on the edge of his bed, his head looking down while resting between his hands. He knows.

"H-hey" I stutter.

"Come in Stella. Oh- make sure to shut the door" he looks up, his eyes full of anger. I swallow my frightfulness and do what I am told.

I stand behind the now closed door not knowing what to do as he just sits there and stares. This was truly one of the most difficult things that I've ever initiated.

Frustration fills his face as I just stand there drowning in my own thoughts. He abruptly stands uncomfortably close to me.

"Oh, cut the crap! You came here to talk to me you stupid bitch. Just go on-say it." the veins from his neck are prominent. I still have a difficulty trying to form words with him in this state. My mind is occupied on all the things I can say that will go wrong.

"I don't think this is the best for us" I immediately regret what I had said as he spat in my face.

"You incompetent bitch, think you can just walk in here and end things with me. Well guess what? It's not going to work like that" I grab the end of my sweater to wipe his saliva away from my face.

I try to recollect thoughts and ideas that would perhaps give me that extra Ley way in order to get him to cope with the fact that we can't be together.

"James, you know I am not well. I don't think it would be far to put you through that." I lie, I have been suffering with anxiety and depression but not severely. Regardless, I stick with my statement.

"Excuses. Just admit it, you have someone else don't you slut?"

"What? of course I don't. I am not doing well, why can't you understand that."

Which wasn't a lie. That was one of his biggest flaws, when he first started to be unfaithful to me, he immediately thought I'd be unfaithful back. Which I would never have, I wanted to leave him when I found out he had cheated on me; but I couldn't, he wouldn't let me. His threats left a lasting petrified state in my mind. I know he's serious when he threatens me. He already hits me, cuts me with such sharp words that leaves me feeling worthless.

He's inches away from my face, making press my back against the wall. His fist collides with the small section between the wall and my face. Water began to pool in eyes. I close them wishing I never came here.

"JAMES, open this door right now" his mom and dad pounding on the door.

"P-please" I beg, squeezing my eyes even more shut.

He slowly moves away from me, I can feel his eyes still on me as he moves backwards to the bed. His parents still screaming through the door. I rush towards to door, and open it. His mom grabs me and pulls me into a warm embrace as his dad storms into the room.

"WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING" his dad shouts in his face, but he just sat there, completely still with the most eire grin written across his lips. He doesn't break eye contact with me. He's completely obvious that his dad shouting right in his face.

"Goodbye, Stella" his grin grows. His mother rushes me out of his site and down the stairs.

"Don't worry, we'll take it from here. We will make sure he doesn't bother you anymore, he won't come near you. I promise. You've been so good to us Stella, you were so good to him."her voice cracks. "No words can describe how I am sorry for all the pain my son has caused you. No person should feel scared by the man who is supposed to protect her, love her, care for her." he sadness grew as she wiped tears from her eyes. I wrapped my arms around her, trying to hold back tears of my own.

She was sweet enough to walk me to the car where Lily had been waiting in the driver's seat. I put on my seat belt and began to explain to Lily what had just occurred. As we pull away. Suddenly Lily stomps on the breaks.

"Uh..." she was lost for words, I turn my head to where she is so frighteningly captivated by. It James. He looking out his window with yet again another demented grin. Chills dispersed throughout my body. He remains a still figure in the window as we begin to drive away.