Big Mac

Chapter 14- A Heart to Heart Talk With Zenas

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After that throwing her food up became the new norm. She told herself there was nothing wrong with it but in the back of her mind she knew she wasn't right. Amanda Mackey became depressed. What was worse was no one seemed to notice it.

It wasn't like she wanted attention and pity from the whole world but she assumed her mom would at least figure there was something up. Amanda thought of Zenas and his arms, it suddenly seemed like a great idea. She felt horrible for even thinking that, but she figured she was already messed up and gross it didn't matter.

Everytime she thought about going that far she couldn't. God, she was a coward. A seflish coward people had it worse than her, she knew that. It didn't help her though, it only made her feel worse. Why was she even here? She was a fat disgusting girl who was only taking up space in this world.         

Amanda walked in the living room to get out of her room. She saw her mom sitting on the couch reading a book. "Hey mom," Amanda said. "Can I stay home from school tomorrow? I don't feel good at all."

Her mom looked up from her book. "Honey. You are fine you were just dehydrated at the hospital. You are more than healthy to attend school."  Amanda wanted to scream at her and say she wasn't. That healthy girls don't throw up their food everyday, healthy girls didn't want to cut themselves. Healthy girls didn't sit in their bed wishing they never existed.

Frustrated Amanda left the room. She went back to her bedroom and opened the drawer where she hid all her Vogue magazines at. Amanda traced her fingers over the glossy covers. The smell of them made her sick yet happy at the same time.

"One day I am going to look like that." Amanda reassured herself. "I don't care how but I will."

The next day at school no one really said anything to her which surprised her. She thought she was going to be made fun of fainting in class the other day. She had a couple teachers ask if she was okay and it embarrassed her.

Amanda was particulary dreading Mrs. Christansen's class. Everytime she thought about it she got a knot in her stomach.

It was lunchtime, oh her favorite part of the day. Could you sense the sarcasm? Instead of being hungry when she walked in the cafeteria she felt sick, the smell and thought of food made her noxious. Well that was a good thing Amanda decided. She wouldn't have to be tempted by all the food anymore.

She went straight over to her table where Zenas was already sitting and he was reading a book like usual. Amanda almost smiled, it was like the old days before he left for that period of time. "Hi Zenas." Amanda greeted him with a half smile.

"I heard about you fainting in speech class." Zenas remarked not even looking up from his book. "A shame really, your speech could have been very good."

Amanda felt ashamed of herself. No one mentioned it to her all day except for teachers and she didn't really expect Zenas to. "Yeah I was dehyrdated." She said rather stupidly.

"No." Zenas said looking up from his book now. "You were scared. How ironic that you were scared to present your speech about fear."

Amanda laughed. Well it wasn't a real laugh more like the kind of laughs you would make when you don't really know what to say. "Giving speeches is a common fear. That's stupid."

Zenas chose to ignore her. "Where's your lunch?" He remarked.

What was Zenas' problem? He was usually just quiet. "I'm not hungry." Amanda was getting a little irritated.

"You are never hungry anymore." Zenas remarked. "You never bring a lunch. You used to eat a lunch everyday."

"Why do you care?"

Zenas sighed. "Just because society wants us to be different doesn't mean we should listen. There's nothing wrong with being overweight."

Amanda was angry now. "You are just like my mother!" She cried. "Always pointing out different ways to call me fat. I know I am! I am trying to fix it but nothing is helping! You wouldn't even know how it feels anyways since your so skinny."

Zenas shut his book and put it down putting his full attention on Amanda. "I'm not trying to mean." He said carefully. "I'm just saying I know how it feels to be an outcast. An outcast of society."

"How are you so different from what society wants you to be?" Amanda asked incredulously.

"I don't feel sexual attraction."

Amanda wanted to laugh that sounded stupid. "So you are telling me you have never had a crush on a girl?"

"No." He said. "I have never felt any romantic feelings about anything the thought of reproduction sickens me yet I wish it didn't. I have always longed for that sexual attraction and that intamacy that couples have but even if there was a pretty girl who liked me I could never feel it. It may sound stupid but it depresses me sometimes because I know I will always be alone and I get teased for being gay when in reality I can't be gay in fact sometimes I would rather be gay than this.

You may think your life sucks Amanda but you can fix being overweight. I can't fix me."

Yay! Finally an update after 8 months! I'm so sorry about the wait and I am afraid that this story is dragging on. I used Zenas' difference in society as being asexual because it is not commonly talked about and I was going to have him be gay and struggle with that but that is so common and people are starting to accept that more I wanted it to be something different. Asexuality is a real thing and there are people out there who do have it. I am not sure about the details of it but I'm not sure how prelavent I'm going to make it in this story I don't know if I am going to mention it much more I just used it now because I wanted to show the readers and Amanda how they were both outcasts in the world for two different things. 

Anyways I am not even sure if people are still reading this by now so if anyone does read this please please please comment it means the world to me. Comment your thoughts your opinions anything. Comments are the only reason why I even managed to write this chapter because I felt like just deleting it but you guys help motivate me so much its unreal.

Thanks again sorry for the long author note I know no one likes or reads these lol