The Heart Thief

the heart thief- |01|

Millie

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Life was like a punch: either you dodge it or you get hit. It's a constant battle to keep your balance and avoid being dragged down. I've never been able to avoid anything. I'd taken a lot of punches, but I was determined to get back up. My mother described it as my worst trait: adapting to the tragic life I've been dragged into. I never seemed to fight for anything, and as a result, I lost many years — years of being someone I could have been.

          It's as if life had a vendetta against me for not being like everyone else — for not seizing opportunities, making risky moves, and being spontaneous. Life simply despised me. We've had a strange relationship for years. It fucked me over whenever I thought it was going to love me. It crumbled me every time I thought I understood it. I was a thirty-two-year-old woman with no control over my life or my nonexistent love life. If life was frightening, relationships were even more so. My mother assumed I had commitment issues, then she assumed I was gay, and finally, she assumed I was a sociopath before accepting her daughter was not destined to be with anyone.

I have never really shied away from relationships. I just haven't met the one, as corny as it may sound, who lights me up. It's about someone who makes me want to talk every day, with whom I want to share things, with whom I could talk all night. Lately, all men have wanted was a way to end up in your bed. There was no connection at all. No chemistry, no slow burn. No more crushes. It was simply lust at first sight.  I may not have been in a relationship to know what I was talking about, but I overheard a lot of conversations in the break room. My coworkers' relationship stories were enough to paint a picture for me.

It was draining. It was hard. It was a battle, and everybody just wanted to survive it.

        And it's simply not for me yet.

Senior year was the closest I came to being in a relationship, but I wouldn't call it a relationship. It was more of a desire for contact. A need to satiate the craving of a horny teenage girl.

I never had many friends when I was younger. I was never invited to any parties. Sure, I had talked to people, but they never stayed long enough to be considered friends. I was comfortable with that. I had grown so accustomed to not having friends that when I started college, I made no attempt to make any. I never got to enjoy being young, free, and legal. I never went to college parties, smoked, or got high. I knew I'd missed out on a lot by the time I arrived. I didn't get to experience and do the things that girls my age did as teenagers and young women. I had none. There were no happy memories to share with my children.

       It never bothered me how much I liked being alone. It still terrified my mother. She scheduled me for friendship dates that I bailed on, as well as dates with her friend's son, which I canceled at the last minute. It used to irritate and concern her, but she's given up. She realized she couldn't change who I was once I turned thirty. However, when I blew my thirty-second birthday, I realized I needed to change. That was the day I awoke feeling different, and I suddenly saw all my regrets. I panicked when I realized I had nothing but a job with a boss I despised. That day changed me because it forced me to confront the reality I was living in. I couldn't go another thirty two years like that. I didn't want to keep going through the same monotonous routine. I wanted to enjoy what life had to offer.

          I wanted love. I wanted passion. I wanted to be desired. I wanted what everyone got. Above all, I wanted excitement.

          The first step had been to summon the courage to embark on a dating adventure. For the first time, I decided to dress up, following the path that led to a slew of hot guys flowing in and out, desperate to sink my teeth into someone hot. However, the night ended with me refusing to speak to anyone. No one came over to talk to me, and no one bought me drinks, so I guess that only happens in movies.