Perpetual Tuesday

One: Denial

The blinding light of a new day glares through the slates of my shutters. I roll over, face down in the feather stuffed pillow.
"Cella," My mom whispers soothingly, tapping lightly on my bedroom door.
"What?" I ask.
"Can I come in?"
"Sure."
She walks through the threshold of my doorway, her face looking caved in, bags hanging low beneath her golden eyes.
"I think maybe you should go to school today. It's been three weeks since the funeral and I'm sure everyone misses you." She seems nervous, like I'll lash out at her request.
I contemplate this. I'm feeling physically better, school wouldn't be too bad.
"Why not," I reply, deadpan.
It actually would be nice to see Diara and Emilia, though Emilia was only released from the hospital about a week ago, she's doing better.
"I'm so glad, honey. I'll go make you some breakfast while you get ready."
But I immediately feel the weight of this stupid decision. I don't know if I can face everyone.
**********
Diara walks by my side in silence. The new immensity of the school crushes me and I pad slowly down the halls with my crutches. I've been moved from a cast to this monster of a boot. It's black and bulky and I hate it.
"I can't believe she's gone," her voice cracks, I glance at her for only a moment. I havent seen her much since the accident. I fix my gaze on my shoes.
"Who?" I mutter.
"What do you mean who? Terra. You know I meant Terra." Her words come out harsh like she's throwing small blades at me through her clenched teeth.
"She's not gone," I say simply. Ignoring her harshness. Keeping pace.
She stops dead and looks at me, I try not to hold her gaze and stand awkwardly, using my body language to tell her to keep going, to not bring it up.
"Cella..." She coos as if I'm a child. All of the venom in her voice has been sucked out.
"She is gone, Cella. But she's still here with us. Everyday." She says, her eyes large and doughy. Her hand finds a place to rest on my arm.
"Don't say that," I take the role of the angry one.
I stalk off, stomping my crutches for dramatic effect, she calls after me but knows better than to follow. The anger is suddenly a veil before my eyes and I have to get myself away.
I find myself in the empty unused hall that was infested with mold last year and no one's used again. They still plan on revamping and opening the hall but this school never gets anything done.
I lean my back to the cool, hollow locker and sigh. My body too weak to do anything but remain still, at least for a while. It's dusty and there's virtually no light leaking through the few grimy windows. I pull my cell phone from my pocket and slowly scroll through my contacts. My eyes filling with tears, I find Terra's number and put the phone to my ear.
"Heya! You have reached Terra Sykes and I am too busy living my life to answer! Leave a message and I'll call you back if I feel like it!" Beep. I remember when she recorded that voice mail. We were all out getting ice cream and she had just gotten a new phone.
"Hi. Uhm. I've been meaning to call. People keep saying that, that you're gone and I'm so tired of hearing them say it. It's like they've given up on you. I don't know what's happened but, I do know that you'll come back. Won't you?" I pause, my face wet with the salt water.
"I'll see you again laughing at my locker and you'll throw rocks at my window when you're drunk on weeknights and you'll make fun of Hadley when she's a jerk to me and you'll lie on my bed with me and cry because we watch the Titanic and Silver Linings Playbook in a row and that's always a bad idea with us? I won't believe that we've had our last conversation, Ter. That we've hugged for the last time. Shared our last laugh." I try to take a deep breath, but it's fractured and my lungs don't fill to their full capacity.
"Damn it, Terra. Damn it. Please. Call me, or show up at my house singing songs from the twenties. Or come dancing into my room while I'm trying to do homework. Please Terra... Please." I swipe my long, green sleeve across my face and soak up some of the moisture.
I muster the strength and rise from the floor. My clothes are covered in dust and I can't find the need to care. Terra is alive. Somewhere partying or traveling. She's alive and she just can't let me know because like she said she's busy living her life. I somehow make it back to the usable hallway and to my luck Kent is rifling through an open locker, letting things fall to the floor around his sneakered feet.
"Oh, hey baby, what's up?" He eyes me up and down, a shiver shimmies down my spine. His eyes are cool, and pointed, evil. I walk passed and he strides over, yanks on my wrist. I don't know how I ever saw him better than Gabriel. I confused the hero and the villain.
"Hey, I was talking to you," he says, his face close to mine.
"Get. Away." I whisper, allowing venom to seep into my words.
"Feisty, huh?" his hot breath bounces against my ear.
Without thinking I spit directly in his face. He releases me and I dart away as fast as the crutches allow, shooting him disgusted glances over my shoulder.
********************************
The world looks different after you lose someone close to you. Things taste different. Songs sound different. Memories somehow fuzz. Waiting for them to come back is agonizing.
I lie on my bed. The soft cushion beneath me isn't comforting and I let tears roll down and soak parts of my in-need-of-a-cut-hair. The dark of the outside world swirls into my room and falls onto my pale, vampirish skin. I feel dull and at a loss for words. I curl to my side, pressing the redial button on my cellphone as I dig my top row of teeth into my bottom lip. I rest my eyes. Seeing pictures of Terra. Her beautiful hair that reminds me of summer. The calm chaos of her and how she always just barges in and out of peoples lives, always leaving messes along the way. I see her off somewhere in this world dancing, singing, riding motorcycles. Living.
I try to sleep but the images come in flashes like a TV that loses power every so often. I keep the phone pressed to my ear and hold my chest with my free arm. Trying to stitch up the hole of longing that lives there now.