Perpetual Tuesday

Five: Acceptance

I wake at dawn and the first sound to find me is the birds singing just outside my window. A cliche, teenage thing for me to notice. Something you notice in a world you've found faith in again. I stretch before stepping out of bed and pad softly to the bathroom. Finally boot and crutch free.
"Morning sweetie," my mom says, walking past before I shut the door.
"Good morning, mom," I reply.
Tomorrow is my graduation day, June 28th. I finally went back to school this past month.
I guess I've made a lot of mistakes these past few months but no, thats wrong. I wasn't making mistakes, I was healing. I'm still struggling with accepting myself for who I've been since the accident. Leaving my mom that way, treating Diara and Emilia the way I did, virtually using Gabriel. I was healing. I was healing. I was healing. This is how I forgive myself, by reminding myself that none of them even feel they need to forgive me, and by knowing full well that anyone would have reacted that way if they had lost someone that close to them.
After showering and brushing my teeth I make my way into the kitchen where my mom sits with Tom, the man she's been seeing. They sit across from each other at the small wooden table. There's a bouquet in between them that he must've given to her.
"Hiya, Cella," Tom says, smiling.
"Hi, Tom," I reply, pouring myself a cup of coffee.
"I got one for you, too," he says and points to a vase filled with lilies.
I wonder if mom told them that they were Terra's favorite or if its just Terra's way of showing me she's here with me through this graduation weekend.
"Oh, thank you!" I skirt around the table and hug him.
He smells of cologne and fresh baked bread. He owns his own bakery.
"No problem! I knew that I wouldn't get around to flowers tomorrow but I thought you deserved some for your graduation day."
"CELLA!" Diara calls from the front door.
"I gotta go! I'll see you guys later!" I say and run to the front door.
Emilia and Di are sitting in Diara's mom's minivan. They have their windows rolled down and music loud enough to blow the speakers. We drive to a lake that we used to go to every summer to swim and scope out attractive people.
Diara lies out a large blanket and falls onto it face first, Emilia piles on top of her and I follow. We laugh and they throw me to the side, kissing.
"Oh god! Get a room!" The giggles bubble up in my stomach.
Emilia pushes up off of Di and sits beside me.
"Can you guys believe we graduate tomorrow?" She says, staring out at the ripples in the murky water.
"No," Diara says, plopping down next to us.
"I really feel her presence today" Emi whispers, lying her hand on my knee.
"You know, so do I. I don't think she wants to miss graduation," I reply, letting a small smile touch my mouth.
"Let's get in the water, for old times sake." Emilia dares, her eyes pointed.
We all hop up onto our feet and prepare our bodies for the mad dash.
"One," I say.
"Two!" Emilia squeals and we all run before three. Which was always the number Diara and Terra said together.
The air is fast past my arms and grazes all of my exposed skin. There's a rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins. I feel a lift of light through my epidermis and I lunge head first into the water. It's cool, the freezing droplets swarm my sweaty skin. My lungs beg for air as I attempt to stay under as long as possible. I feel Emilia kicking, she must have gone up for air. My eyes won't stay open for long but I can see Diara trying incredibly hard not to swim toward the surface. I give in first. The air feels like renewal and I want to soak up every last bit of this moment. I know that the next couple of months are filled with goodbyes to my friends who are going away to school and it will be hard, but I've lived through harder and right now, all I want to live in is now.
**********
My ripped sneakers slap against the pavement. My hair is still slightly damp from my swim earlier today and it chills me as the wind encircles me. The sky is purpling a bit and the pink is intertwined with oranges and some left over blue. The shadowy clouds web across the sky like vines. I rub my arms with my hands as I continue running because I've got goosebumps. But I'm smiling and almost laughing, I'm holding it in so I don't look like a lunatic to passing cars. I throw the door open. I slide on his wooden floors, passing by the robins egg blue walls and finally I get to his door.
"GABE!" I yell, he's sitting at his computer desk reading a book. His head snaps up, his face contorted with confusion as I hop onto his bed.
"Kent was arrested last night at a party!" I say and fall back onto the pillows, the exhaustion catching up to me finally.
"What happened!?" He asks, jumping up and sitting at the foot of the bed.
"Well I just found out but what my mom heard from Abby Dawson's mom was that at Abby's party he tried to do to some girl what tried to do to me. And someone caught him and he got taken away and now, today, a bunch of girls who he's tried to do this to or.... has done this to, are going to the police station to make reports."
We both stay silent for a moment. My giddiness has passed because now I remember that he did awful things to those poor girls... what he almost did to me. He has to pay for it.
"He's going to rot," Gabe finally mutters. He leans over and kisses me.
"He better," I say, lying limp in his arms.
"Here," he says, leaning over to look under his bed.
He sits up with a little box in his hands. "I got you something for graduation," he says.
"My present for you is at home! Give it to me tomorrow!" I say, sitting up, cross legged.
"It's okay, it's okay. I want you to open it now," he says, his eyes melting every bit of resistance I have.
"Fine. If you insist," I say, ripping it out of his hands like a giddy child on Christmas.
The wrapping is yellow and bright with a forest green bow that I rip off as 'delicately' as possible. The box inside is velvet and has a rounded top, its the size of my whole hand.
"I don't wanna open it! I'm too excited! You open it for me," I say and hand him the now naked box.
He shakes his head, laughing at me and holds it so it will face me. He slowly opens it. Inside the material is silky and white. But what makes me suck in a sharp breath is the necklace. It's silver and lying perfectly in the center of the silk. A beautiful silver lily with a small leaf hanging on the chain next to it. Its got two letters inscribed in the metal. A tiny C on one side and a small T on the other.
I don't know what the feeling is, but there is something in my chest. Sadness? Longing? Happiness? Contentment? It wells up from my core and dampens my eyes. I look up at him, tilting my head and giving him the smallest of smiles.
"Thank you," I muse.
He delicately takes the necklace out of the box and I turn my back to him. He glides it around my neck and closes the clasp.
"Thank you, so much," I whisper, turning to kiss him, wetting his face with my tears of sadness, or longing or happiness.
"It's the least I could do," he says and hugs me tightly
********
The heat is heavy upon us as we all sit in our graduation cap and gowns. I have my diploma in hand. Emilia, Diara and I snuck next to each other though our names don't fall together in alphabetical order. The humidity is thick like peanut butter and we all sweat as if we've spent too much time in a sauna. Our superintendent drones on about the achievement we've made here and although he's monotone and I never liked him much, his words send a strange adrenaline through me because he's right. We have accomplished a lot here. I spot Gabe a few rows back and he grins at me, winking. I laugh and turn back toward the stage. The principal takes the podium, making a slightly rude joke about how boring the superintendent's speech was.
"We would now like to present Terra Sykes's family with her honors diploma."
His smile is large and genuine. I watch as Grayson rises from the sea of red gowns and his parents meet him as they walk toward the stage. His eyes fall on mine and he motions with his hand that I should join them. I shake my head no because this moment isn't about me. It's about Terra and her family and life continuing even when it can't. But he runs up to me and pulls me to my feet. His mother drapes her arm over my shoulders and I climb the stairs with them. We all shake Mr. Lou's hand and he steps back to the podium.
"Terra Sykes was a loving, kind hearted, brilliant student. She may not be here physically but I think we could all agree that she is here with us anyway." I make eye contact with Emi and Diara who smile because they understand. When we leave the stage, Grayson hugs me tightly at the bottom of the stairs.
"Thank you," he says and we both take our seats once again.
"Congratulations class of 2014! You did it!" The school band begins to play a song called I Will Remember You.
We all stand together and form a sort of huge group hug as we chant, "Class of twenty fourteen, the best you've ever seen," and throw our hats in the air. They glide and begin falling back toward us and they remind me of birds and freedom and renewal.
Emilia's tears shine on her now sun burnt face and Diara grabs my hand so we can steady each other. We hug for as long as we can stand as the heat covers us. The lily around my neck is a reminder that even though she can't be here physically, she is still here around us, within us, part of everything we do.
"We did it!" Gabe screams, his face blotchy from the excitement and the heat and the closeness of everyone.
He lifts me from the ground and I'm dizzy as he spins and I see the waves in the sea of red gowns and I fall into him when he stops to kiss me. He pulls away, smiling and throws his fist into the air, letting out a victorious whoop. Reminding me of Bender at the end of The Breakfast Club.
"We did!" I yell and I let myself fall into the goodbyes that ensue the excitement.
**********
"Want to borrow the car?" mom asks, smiling, sitting on the couch with Tom watching a rerun of M.A.S.H.
"No thanks, we all thought we'd just walk." I kiss her cheek and join everyone on my porch.
We're all re-showered now after our sweat doused afternoon. I wear dark skinny jeans and a dark blue sweatshirt and of course, the lily that I expect I will never take off. We all hold the graduation gifts we have for each other but decide to leave them on the porch for after the party.
"I can't believe Hadley's parents are still forcing her to have this party while she's still struggling so much with Terra and now the Kent situation..." Gabe says as we walk.
"I know. It's ridiculous," Diara says.
"Why are we going then?" Emilia questions, looking at me.
"I know Terra would have wanted us to," I say, Gabe reaches for my hand and grasps it in his.
After the semi-long walk, we arrive at Hadley's lawn. It's empty but we hear the roar of teens excited for their freedom spewing from behind the large, white house. The sky is absolutely covered in sparkles that dance and shimmer like young girls dancing after dress up. We enter through a small white gate that matches the house. The backyard is flooded with people and I remember my last party. Remember thinking about why we deserved it. The accident, Terra's death, Kent's attack. I always thought of myself as a believer in karma. But maybe karma doesn't exist. Maybe it wasn't about us 'deserving' this but about us surviving it once it happened. I suppose, what I've come to realize is that pain and death, are inevitable, and sometimes you don't deserve the awful things happening to you. They just happen and they can break you or they can make you a better person in the end. Now when I think about the fact that Terra is gone there is still a sadness that pushes up through my chest and squeezes my throat. But it isn't a gripping sadness that pulls me into a dark bout of depression, the depression that could have been my break. Terra was, is, my best friend. She knew who I was inside and out and her death changed me. And I'm eternally grateful for the person she's helped me become.
The couch I sit on is wrapped in a tight plastic and it uncomfortable to sit on. Gabe sits next to me while Di and Emilia sit on the floor before us. As I look around I realize that all four of us are drinking Pepsi and somehow it just makes sense because after everything we all should have learned something about alcohol and especially about drinking and driving. I wish we had this lesson earlier and in a different way but, now we know. And I know for absolutely sure that none of us will ever be so stupid again.
I feel like I have to go see Hadley. She isn't my favorite person but- this can't be an easy night.
I lean in and kiss Gabe. "I'll be right back," I say and stand.
She wasn't outside when we came in and she's not here in the living room with the few of us who aren't getting wasted. I walk the halls slowly. Getting a little glimpse into her life. Pictures hang along the easter egg colored walls. Pictures of Hadley as a baby, her and her parents, her and Kent, her and Terra. The picture that I found in my photo albums of all of us. She looks happy. She looks like someone I never knew. Someone I would've liked to have met. At the end of the hall there's a bathroom and next to it a room with the door left partially open. I peek inside and the moonlight pouring from a window opposite her bed illuminates her body on the bed. She lies flat on her back, her eyes trained on the empty ceiling. For just a second I feel myself in my mother's shoes. Peeking into a room where I am not welcome, peering at a girl so distraught and lost that she can't even move. Her head tilts toward me and the moon catches the tears that rest in her bottom lid and I feel paralyzed in place. An intruder. I know the feeling all too well.
"Please," she whispers, sounding too defeated to sound mean or bitchy or rude.
And the miserable truth is now I can't hate her. Because now I see her crumpled on her bed, damaged in the same way I have been for the past five months. And I would love to still hate her, for the way she treated me, for what she did to Emi and Diara, for dating a guy who did such awful things but I can't anymore because now I understand her. Now, I am not in my mother's shoes but in Hadley George's shoes, a place I never thought I would be, and I understand. And I wish I could take that unbearable pain away. But she, like everyone else, will have to save herself.
**********
"Okay, okay! Here's your gift," Diara says, handing a bag over to me.
It's pink and so light it feels empty.
"What is this?" I say, laughing as I reach my hand into the bag.
I pull out two pretty long, thin slips of paper and struggle under the moonlight to see what they are. The four of us sit in the crowded cemetery, the moon is our light and the world is peaceful as the bugs chirp in the bushes and we share our graduation gifts.
"It's for you and Gabe," she smiles.
I hold the papers up to the light leaking from the sky and I see that they are two plane tickets to Florida. Where Emilia and Diara will be going to college. I pass them to Gabe, who puts down the limited edition copy of the Titanic that I gave to him. I pull Diara and Emilia into a tight hug.
"We thought that once we got settled we would want to see you guys right away," Emilia whispers.
I feel myself tearing. Gabe and I are both staying local for school, two different community colleges, both just outside of our town. And when I had realized how far Emi and Diara would be, it scared me. But now I know I won't lose them.
Having opened all of our gifts, we lay the bouquet of lilies on the top of Terra's stone. I lay my back against it's cool, smooth front and look up at the endless galaxies above us and around us and within us. We are all a galaxy of thoughts and emotions and love, dreams. I know that Terra is somewhere wonderful, no matter where that wonderful is. In the heavens or among the stars. But she is still a galaxy of wonder and I love her just as I did while she was here.
They say that the first step is acceptance. But they're wrong. Acceptance comes last. After all of the sticky pain and guilt has washed out of our insides. I had a journey with Terra. I had a journey because I lost her. And now because of her, I can have a million more. With Gabe, with Emilia, with Diara, my mom, Tom, people I've never met.
Sometimes as humans we fail to see the good in our lives until it is gone. Luckily, I didn't do that because I was thankful for her everyday. Just as I am thankful for the people I still do have. I am lucky to be alive. I am lucky to be able to move on and live a life Terra would have been proud to see me live.
The four of us stand and walk side by side. It's passed 1 A.M. and we all promised my mom we would be back and in my bedroom by 1:30. I fall behind them and lean over her grave.
"Bye Terra. I love you," I whisper, as if she is standing before me, and for all I know she is. Because I feel her in the breeze and in the harried beats of my heart when Gabe looks at me and in the moments just before I'm asleep when I count all of the blessings I still have. I feel her in my recovery from who I've been these past months.
"You coming, Cell?" Gabe calls, turning to me as they walk ahead.
"Yeah, I'm coming," I call, pressing a kiss to the stone, I smile and run to catch up to them.
As I tread forward with the holes in my heart not healed but mending, I feel the perpetual Tuesday is finally over, dissolved with our dried eyes and the no longer fresh dirt of her grave. Terra's death will always be a part of us and we will always carry that night around like a heavy backpack but, it doesn't control or define me or any of us anymore. And now that the Tuesday is over, I think it is finally time to move on. Time to be happy again, and that is just how Terra would want us to be.