Perpetual Tuesday

Two: Anger

My breaths come in short spurts as my chest rasps. I seeth inside, my fists clenched on my thighs. The nightmares are a nightly occurrence. Even after one month and 20 days I still find them impossible to get used to. The images of Terra's lifeless, cool eyes. Her chest now still with death. Her eyes closed in permanent sleep. They say that time heals everything and I think that's bullshit because I've spent plenty of time trying to heal and still all I want is to throw my fists through the wall. Terra is dead. I haven't spoken to Emilia or Diara in so long. I am now home schooled. My bed is my best friend. And all the while I can't help but think, what did we do to deserve this?
I push up from my bed, neglecting to use my crutches and putting too much weight on my injured leg. I suppose it hurts. The sort of bodily hurt that used to bother me before Terra was ripped away. Before that hurt trumped everything else.
I look at a picture on my computer desk. Terra and I at our junior prom. She in a bright pink skin tight dress and me in gold, tight at the top but flowing at the bottom. I lift the wood frame and tighten my grip on it's sides. The hatred for a world that would let someone that wonderful die, takes a hold of me and I send the picture sailing toward the wall. Glass shatters, falls like confetti and dances around my floor like Terra and I did at prom.
"Honey...," my moms voice calls softly from the hall.
Even with the blockade of a door and closed eyes her voice penetrates, I drive my nails into the palms of my hands. I kneel on my bad leg and pick up small shards. I feel better.
"Don't take it out on her," I whisper to myself. "It is not her fault."
"Yes?" I call to her.
"What's going on in there?" she asks.
"Broken cup," I say.
"Oh, okay. Do you want lunch?"
"Sure."
I can hear her feet retreating from the door and I call out, "Mom!" the feet return.
"What, honey?"
"Thank you," I say.
"I would do anything for you." She says sincerely, and I think for a moment that she might be crying. But then she's gone again. No matter what I do there's this anger that has built up over this time and now it wants to spill over everywhere.
**********
The grass is damp underneath me. The early April night air is wispy, cool. The alcohol in my cup weighs my hand down and I laugh at virtually nothing at all. My crutches lie beside me, looking useless. I couldn't stand even with crutches right now. My blood is crawling with intoxication, my head is spinning and I can't bother with sitting up straight. I make jokes that no ones seeming to listen to. I don't really care. Hadley strides over. She's grinning.
"Didn't think you'd show," she says, sitting beside me.
"Pshhhh, I knew I would be here," she laughs at me. I still hate her.
"Oh, hey Abby," she says, smiling, as Abby Dawson walks passed.
"That girl is incredibly ugly," she says, laughing. I just look at her. Not sure what to say.
"See that right there, that is why I can't stand you, Hadley! You're a two faced, nasty, bitch! No wonder everyone likes your friends more than they like you!" I yell. I stumble to my feet and jam my crutches under my arms. I make my way into the house past Abby. Past some girls smoking something that doesn't smell much like cigarettes. Past Gabriel, whose eyes fall on me as I stagger by. The living room is stuffed with sweaty bodies. That same smell from the "cigarettes" hangs in the air, sticks to my clothes. I wanna go home.
"Sloppier than she was at the party that Terra died at," I hear a boy near by say, his friend laughs. My arm hair stands on end, my skin is suddenly very cold, I have goosebumps. Their laughing is loud, I hold onto the sides of my head, grip my hair in my fist. I knew this was a mistake. My mom thought it would be good for me. Get out of the house. She was wrong.
I keep repeating the same phrase over and over, the same thing I've been repeating since the accident.
Why did we deserve this?h
Why did we deserve this?
Why did we deserve this?
Why
did
we
deserve
this?

"We didn't deserve this!" Something inside of me breaks, it just snaps. The crystal ashtray shatters against the flat screen. It's a beautiful burst of diamonds and then a phone book with white lines lying across it catches my attention. It sails through the air, the white lines fall like snow and I find myself on the floor, tears falling like drops of blood, heavy and stemming from something that's broken. Someone lifts me. I let them and I let the screaming fall away. I don't hear the laughing. It is all black. Like when I was unconscious after the accident.
"It's gonna be alright." The voice is foggy and far away.
I dream of her. It's just a memory while I'm asleep. She's sitting on my bed, painting her toenails. Her hair is up in this ridiculous messy bun and she's giggling like she always used to, making fun of the way I look doing yoga on my floor. It's impossible to think that she's dead now. That she's buried.
I shoot up from the dream. Frantically I look around. The room is air conditioned. This bed has a pillow top and I could lie here forever. It's that moment you wake up and everything is perfect and everyone is okay and you're happy.
"Are you awake?" My eyes drift over and Gabe sits in a floral arm chair. He looks concerned and a little uncomfortable.
"Yeah. Yeah, I am," I turn to face him. "What time is it?" I ask.
"4 in the morning," he says, looking right into my eyes.
"How long have you been sitting here?" I ask.
"All night. After I brought you up here you asked me if you could drive home." I shiver at the thought. "And, I wouldn't let you, so you said I would have to stay all night or you would leave." He finishes, grinning slightly. How embarrassing. I was drunk and a mess and forced him to stay with me while I slept.
"You said her name a lot while you slept. You kept saying 'It's okay, Terra. I understand," he says. His eyes turn sad and I can't believe I ever thought of him as just some sex and alcohol driven jock. I can't believe I spoke in my sleep with him here.
"Do you want to.. tell me about it?" his voice wavers.
I contemplate this. I don't know if I'm ready to go back, but I nod my head. He moves closer. Sitting cross legged on the floor beside the bed, he looks like he cares and that's the only reason I start to speak.
"She was just trying to make me socialize, you know? Just wanted me to get to know people and maybe meet a guy. Well, all I know is I got really drunk and ended up alone with him. And you got me away. And then everything is a blur. I remember not knowing why Terra had been screaming or why Diara and Emilia were soaking wet. The car had been jerking and my head hurt. But I didn't expect us to get into an accident. When we crashed, I thought I would die before the ambulance got me. But I lived. And, all I remember now is waking up in the hospital, all banged up, with needles and IVs and a little oxygen tube, I remember thinking that it was awful and I was in so much pain. I was in so much pain until my mom began to cry when I asked how the other three were doing. She told me what, what had happened to Terra..." Trailing off, I sit up in the bed and press my palms to my eyes, trying to stop the tears.
"My mom told me that Terra's right lung had been penetrated by one of the large slivers of glass. And the impact of the steering wheel on her... on her chest was, it was too much and her lungs were too damaged. Terra was half dead, but they said with a ventilator, she could live. But, Terra couldn't speak, all she knew, all she knew was she would have to be on a machine her whole life to breathe. Her parents and doctor were there to witness. With one fucking nod of her head, one nod... she decided to get taken off of the ventilator."
I can barely breath as I speak the words out loud and I feel that white hot hatred run through me. Hatred for me, for her, for Hadley, for Kent... I rock back and forth, my body is taken from me. It's given to my hate.
I feel Gabe next to me. His arms encircle me and he's warm and it makes me realize how cold I've been. My face rests in the place where his shoulder and neck meet. I cry there and he doesn't talk. I haven't talked about that night, not with anyone. Between two broken sobs I tell him that I need to go home. And so he drives me.
**********
The sky is an off orange. Pinks and yellows swirl in the horizon, the feeling of warmth and security pull my world together. I used to do this often in my life before the accident. Lie on the roof just outside of the upstairs bathroom window, think about life, sit with Terra, Emilia, Diara. I still want to curl back up into my old life. Let this new one shrivel and forget that it happened. I never thought that one event could captivate my entire life. It is all I can think about, all I dream of. Sure, Terra Sykes was everyone's friend, but she was my best friend. And now she's gone.
"Hey," Diara says, stepping carefully out of the window. I pull my knees up to my chest, without looking at her I whisper.
"Hi."
She sits so close her shoulder rests against mine. I feel that sense of stability that Diara has always given me. I've missed it.
"I'm sorry that I haven't called," she says, stretching. She lies back and looks at me. Her skin color is caramel, it shines in the sun. She's gorgeous. Her hair the perfect ringlet curls that girls would die to have naturally.
"The phone works both ways," I say. "I could've called you, too."
She shrugs, her eyes never drifting from me. Finally, I allow myself to gaze at her. The full impact of my missing her hits me and I collapse into her. Sobbing.
"Sh. I'm here, Cell. I'm here," she whispers into my ear, her arms tighten around my frail frame and I breath heavily, hoping that maybe I'll stop and die right here in Diara's arms.
She hums soothingly in my ear, her hand smooths out my hair.
"How's Emilia?" I ask into her chest, sucking in deep breaths of oxygen.
"She's good, she misses you," Diara's voice is like a song, a hopeful sound.
We don't speak for several long moments. She holds me. I don't cry, not for now. The sun's so close to setting, but its still light enough to see around us.
"How's your leg?" She asks, motioning toward the boot.
"Not healing correctly. It's gotta stay on a while," I say, quietly. Wanting to feel peace.
"Tell me something happy," I breath, closing my eyes.
"Okay..." I can tell she's thinking without even looking at her.
"I remember the day Emi and I got together so distinctly. It was the best day of my life, at that point at least. I knew she liked girls, but I also knew she was shy, you know? Shy and maybe not interested in me because we had been friends for so long," she says, trailing off a moment. A smile tugs at the corner of her mouth and I'm jealous she has that ability after everything.
"Anyway, I invited her over to watch Mean Girls. I cleaned up my room, lit candles. I just wanted to tell her how I felt. I wanted to tell her that I loved her and I would rather be alone than be with anyone else." I snort with laughter as she says it.
"Really, a One Tree Hill quote to get the girl?" I say jokingly.
"How else do you get a girl to love you?" She laughs and shakes her head. I lay mine on her lap and she continues.
"So she got to my house. She slammed her door shut in my driveway and she looked pissed, I was freaked out. She was in a bad mood or something and there was no way I was going to try to tell her while she was angry. She knocked on the door which was weird because she never, ever knocked. I opened the door all nervous and slowly, you know? I was freaked. Anyway, she looks me dead in the eye. Her mouth all scrunched into one tight line. I did not know what to expect. Then she said, 'I really, really want to be your girlfriend.' I nearly fainted I was so happy. Seconds before I was sure she was going to say we could no longer be friends or something. So naturally all I could do was smile like a freaking idiot. She jumped up, threw her skinny arms around my neck and kissed me." She sighs, smiling still at the memory. And surprisingly I smile, too.
"That is a happy story," I whisper, not wanting this fleeting feeling of joy to end. But it does, it always does. It has to.
"Why were you and Emi covered in water the night of the accident?" I whisper, remembering suddenly that I didn't know why. She doesn't answer, not right away.
"Well, Hadley, I guess, she was mad that we were there. So she and a bunch of the guys said that, uhm, that all 'dykes' in the room had to take their clothes off or get covered in water. Terra wasn't in the room. That was the only reason they had the balls to even say something like that. Emilia and I tried to leave out of the front door but, they wouldn't let us. When we refused to take off our clothes... they dumped buckets of water over our heads. Some girl threw her half full beer at Emilia. Terra came in and god, was she screaming. Slapped Hadley right across the face. She was so loud. That's why... why we didn't hear you screaming. She brought the two of us out to the car and went back in for you... the next thing I knew... you were both there and drunk and you were crying and you kept saying 'Why did I deserve this?' And now, now here we are."
I let myself soak this in. My heart is beating so fast that it might burst through my chest and destroy everything in its wake.
**************************
The phone rings. Once. Twice. Three times. Four.
"Hello?" her voice makes me sick. I wish she were here now. So I could really show her my anger.
"I hate you." I whisper through clenched teeth. "How DARE you do that to Emilia and Diara?! HUH?! You knew how close Terra was with them! You knew what you were doing and you just went and did it anyway! Because THAT is what you are, a miserable BITCH! You made us leave and now look! Terra is GONE! She is NEVER coming back! How could you do that to her?! To her family? To me?! How do you look at yourself in the mirror!? You are lower than I ever thought. You are dead to me."
I throw the phone and it cracks against my wooden door.
I fall to the floor, convulsions taking me over. I grip at my chest almost as tightly as I grip for sanity. I virtually blamed Terra's death on her. She said nothing. She just listened. Just let me blame the death of a friend on her. Instead of my heart breaking through my chest, I feel everything caving in. I feel all of my anger dissolving. Everything is leaving. All I can feel is how badly I want her back.