Perpetual Tuesday

Four: Depression

There's a large rock that sits beneath a weeping willow. We used to go there when sad things happened in our lives, like when Terra's dog died or I tasted heartbreak for the first time. It was our spot. It was like we owned it. I'd like to go there now. Feel the smooth stone and remember what her warmth felt like radiating off of her as she lay and laugh with me. I would like to go and remember. Try to find her scent there trapped in the confines of wispy leaves and bark so thick it can't be penetrated with my pocket knife. I would like that. But I can't eat. I can hardly walk. I don't speak. I only sleep, and hope that maybe my dreams will do me a favor and take me to that rock or better, take me to wherever Terra is.
Sometimes I wish I could just lie down and dwindle away. Just waste into nothing. I just want to stop existing sometimes. On days like these, the depression makes me blind and I forget about the things I still have. It's like something in my brain just hides the good in my life and I forget about my mom and living friends. I lay in bed and I find myself just praying that I won't wake up in the morning.
A stream of music travels out of my phone and lands in my ear drums. I soak in the lyrics and ponder what they meant to whomever wrote them.
It's noon. My eyelids won't stay open. I feel like I won't breathe if I fall asleep. Maybe I'll fall asleep and be put out of my pathetic misery. My phone rings. It's Diara. I don't answer. I don't feel bad, either. She's got her own life to live and right now, there's nothing for me to say. She doesn't understand. She's perfectly okay with moving on and I will not leave Terra behind. My dark blue sheets hang from the windows, darkening the room considerably. I like it better this way.
My mom walks in, she no longer likes to knock because I usually tell her I'm changing or I don't answer at all. She sits on the end of my bed and looks at me. My hair is matted to my head. I don't feel like crying anymore, at least. Mostly, I just feel numb .
"Please talk to me," she says.
I stare at her. I'd like to talk to her. I really would. But there's nothing to say.
"How are you?" I ask, suddenly remembering that she's a person too, and now that I've disappeared. She's all alone.
I lean over. And pull her to my frail, now always quivering frame. She's crying and the hot tears slide off of her face and hit my back. Soak into my shirt. I miss her. I miss myself.
I lay back and she smooths my hair as I drift closer into the abyss of sleep.
**********
It's 3:36 am. I've slept so long. I wish I still slept until dawn, but that was a part of another life.
**********
I can't keep myself awake for very long. My whole body seems to not work. My breaths stay trapped in my lungs... My heart crashes, instead of sings, in rhythm. I wish I could see my bedroom. But, my eyelids stay sealed shut.
**********

How is it already May? How has she been gone for four months? I swear she was here with me yesterday. Playing with a Ouija board on her bedroom floor, saying that she didn't move the little plastic dial, a ghost living in her house did. She was just here smiling and singing and making everyone fall in love with her. Just here taking care of me. Making sure I didn't lose the sort of weight I've lost lately. She was my best friend. How is she gone?
**********
Mom walks into my bedroom with a basket of laundry. She looks so old now, so tired. I attempt to smile but the corners of my mouth are pulled down in dehydration. I try to tell her that I love her. My voice box sleeps, instead. She retreats from the room.
I don't know who I am anymore.
**********
My bedroom door flies open and the sound brings back the night of the accident. I pull the blanket from over my head.
"Get up!" Diara's voice screams.
She and Emilia hop on the bed, holding two pizza's, a liter of coke and chips. I give them a questioning look and fall backward into my pillows.
"Get up. C'mon," Emilia whispers nudging my arm.
I don't say anything, just lie there and let them stare at me.
"Please," Emilia's voice cracks and I turn to look at her face. Tears pool in the corner of her eyes and I choke on my own unannounced tears.
"Em.. don't," Diara warns, looking at her sideways.
"No, Di! No!" Emilia almost yells, which never happens and I jump a little.
"Please Cella! Talk to us! I know you're sad, depressed even but, we need you. I know that that may sound selfish. But we already lost her, Cella! We can't lose you, too!" She's shaking and I catch her in my trembling arms.
It feels like something inside of me clicks back on and I can feel. Feel the pain of losing Terra, the fear of losing my mom and Diara and Emilia and Gabe. I feel how unbearable moving on is and I feel how impossible it is to stay away from Gabe much longer. I feel it all so suddenly, I want to climb back into my ball of numbness and turn the sun off and sleep forever.
Emilia cries into my shoulder and I hold her as tight as my weak body will allow. Diara moves closer and wraps her arms around the both of us. Her touch centers me.
"Mom!" I call.
She hurries in, probably mystified by the sound of my voice that has been lost to the waves of depression for what feels like a lifetime now. Her arms finish the circle that temporarily heals the emptiness inside of me.
"I missed you," my mom whispers, her voice all full of her emotion.
She pulls away and looks at us.
"All of you," she says, kissing each of us on the forehead, and leaves the room wiping her eyes that look more alive than I've seen them since dad left when I was young.
"Let's eat," Diara says, smiling. She pulls paper plates out of her huge purse and hands them out.
I haven't been eating much lately and the smell of the pizza makes my mouth water. Emilia puts a large slice of tomato basil on my plate and I devour it.
**********
We lie in a huddle on my bed. I think they may both be asleep but I can't be sure. Silver Linings Playbook is almost over and I find tears falling like leaves in autumn off of my face. I think of how utterly gorgeous Jennifer Lawrence is and I think of Gabe and how I wish he could be here next to me to laugh at how much I adore her. But more than anything I wish Terra could be here to cry with me and tell me that someday, someone will love me and it won't be like in the movies because it'll be better.
"You're still up?" Diara yawns, rolling over.
"I can't sleep," I mumble.
"Probably because you've been sleeping for the past month," she says, nudging me.
"Hey, are you crying?" She sits up, disturbing Emilia, and holds my face in her hands.
I nod and continue, looking down.
"I promise you, we are going to get through this. You are going to get through this. Terra wouldn't have it any other way and, neither would I."
She gets me to lie down on the inside of the bed and she hums lightly in my ear.
"The Smiths," I mutter, sleepily, naming the band she hums for me. One of the most soothing songs by them, Asleep.
I listen to the softness of her voice as she begins to sing me to sleep. I find that her voice is like a sleeping pill and I fall into a deep slumber.
**********
"I'll talk to you later, okay? Don't go away again, please," Diara says as she walks out of my room. Emilia left early for work.
"I'll try," I say and she leaves.
But once I'm alone I can already feel myself receding back into my mind. I feel the numbness reaching out of my heart like branches and taking away all of the pain but all of the happiness left over from last night, too.
"No, no, no," I whisper to myself. I lay flat on my bed and hang over the side, I search for my photo albums underneath my bed. I throw everything out of my way and they lie there collecting dust behind my foot bath.
I pull them up onto my lap and look through them. I want to get better. I need to get better. I need to move on. But I can't do that if I'm closed off to my feelings.
I rip open the pages and rip myself open with pictures of us. Terra, the day she got her jeep, the jeep that is now as dead as she is. A picture of the four of us on a merry-go-round. A picture of Terra sitting in the twisted branches of our willow. A picture of me covered in frosting after she threw cake at me on my 18th birthday. My insides feel as raw as my skin did the night of the accident and I keep staring the memories down. I need to feel cut open so I can stitch what's left back together.
I feel like I could be sick when I see a picture of us at the first party I went to, at Terra's house. The first time I was ever drunk. In the picture, Terra is on Grayson's back, Hadley and Kent sit cross legged on the ground, making out. Emilia and Diara are standing on either side of the boy I had my first kiss with, Rob from my freshman film class. I stand next to Gabe who's one arm is around me and the other is held up in a peace sign. I'm so drunk that I make a duck face and have my arms thrown in the air. I don't even remember taking this picture. I don't remember being so close to Gabe before, not for long enough to take a picture. My stomach hurts. I may be sick. I feel myself sobbing tearlessly.
I'm ripped open. There is no going back to the world that knows no pain. No more wishing I could be with Terra. I need to get better. Healing might take a more time but, I'm trying. That has got to count for something.
**********
I smell nice. It's honestly a relief after so long of smelling like a garbage can in a frat house. I comb my hair so it looks presentable and I look at myself in my long mirror. Jeans, socks, a light blue sweatshirt.
I lift my phone to my ear and press the button as it hovers over his name. It rings. Once, twice.
"Cella?" Gabe asks.
"Wanna come over?" I pull on a loose thread in my sweatshirt.
"I'll be there in a few," he says.
"See you soon," I reply and hang up.
I feel some tears making their way to the surface and I feel my lungs constricting. I don't know exactly what to do. All I know is I want to be with him. I want to hold onto Terra, but I do not want to live in that day anymore. I want to be myself again, or maybe, better than who I was before. I lay on my bed and breathe and try not to think too much.
The doorbell rings and I call to my mom that I'll get it. Her new boyfriend is over and I don't want to bother her. Gabe stands awkwardly when I open the door and I want to throw my arms around him and I want it to be as simple as it was for Emi and Diara but I just lead him to my room and we sit very close on my bed.
"I'm-I'm really," I pause, my throat threatening to close. The tears are here, ready to show my emotions before my voice has the chance.
He looks me in the eyes and holds my hand.
"I'm really sorry for disappearing after everything you've done for me." The words come out clearer than I expected.
"I told you, I can't save you, only you can do that," he says, unable to hide his grin.
"Really? With the Titanic quote again?" I say, the vibrations of laughter shaking my body in a good way. I fall back and hold onto myself as I snort.
"I just can't help myself." He's chuckling too.
He leans in, both our lips still alive with laughter and he kisses me. Hard on the mouth. I feel like I'm on fire but it's not bad. It's a reminder that I'm here. That I'm alive. A reminder that I have to keep moving even when I feel nailed to the floor.
"There's something I have to do today," I say, pulling away from him. He must see the calm seriousness in me.
"Okay. But, will you come over tonight? You could meet my parents or something," he says.
"I would like that."
We walk outside together. Both going in different directions. His lips brush my cheek and we go on our way.
**********
I don't expect to see him although maybe I should. Grayson kneels beside Terra's grave, a bouquet of flowers in his hands. He rests them on the ground. I walk slowly up from behind him. I don't want to intrude but I have no where else to go. He turns to me.
"Hey Cella," he says, standing, he brushes his pants clean of dirt.
He should have graduated last year but after getting held back he was in our class, so he always looked older. But since Terra's gone, he seems more mature.
"Hi." I sit beside her grave.
"I know that you've taken Terra's death worse than most. I just, I want you to know that Terra wants nothing more than for you to be happy. I know that. My parents, they really appreciate who you were to her while she was here. I'm sure you've been blaming yourself, because you overthink everything but, Terra was a spitfire, she did what she wanted. You couldn't have stopped her from driving that night and neither could I. All I know is that all Terra would want you to do now, is live a life worth living." He seems comfortable in his skin, like he really believes the words he's saying.
"Thank you, Grayson. Really."
"It's my pleasure." He smiles and starts to walk away. "I'll leave you two."
I breathe the fresh air deep into my lungs and lean my head against the stone.
"I'm gonna say goodbye for a little while, Ter. I love you and you know that but I can't stay stuck in that day. I can't trap myself in what happened to you. I miss you. I miss you more than you'll ever know but, I've got to keep moving or I'll be stuck still forever." I trace the outline of her name like I've done many times before.
"I think Gabe and I are dating. I thought maybe you would want to know that. I think the perpetual Tuesday may be coming to an end. I know I still have you. I'll be back eventually. I'm really going to try and move on passed that day, don't think that I'm going to forget you. I promise you that that could never happen." I press my lips to the smoothness of the lilly on the front of her stone and walk away without looking back.