Hate That I Love You

21. Perrie - Please Don't Say You Love Me

 I’m on fire.

 This wasn’t I expected to happen. I was only planning to know the truth, to confront Zayn about why he was acting that way towards me because I was getting tired of being in the dark about the whole situation. A fight with him I could handle, but what’s happening now I don’t know if I could, but I didn’t want to stop. It felt too good.

 My hands are fisting the front of his shirt to pull him closer to me, his hands cupping my cheeks. Our mouths moved urgently at first, like it was a kiss of goodbye, but then it became slow and passionate. My eyes remain close the whole time, my focus was directed to how good he kissed and the way my body felt like I’ve been buzzed with electricity. I feel like if I let go of him I’ll drop to the floor because my legs felt like jelly and I can’t think straight.

 I don’t know if he read my mind or he was just caught up in the moment like I am because then his hands go behind my legs and I’m hoisted up to wrap them around his waist, my hands going through his hair; the kiss only breaking for a few seconds to catch some air before it starts again.

 My mind was pointing all of its signs to stop despite the jumbled mess it is now but my body won’t cooperate with it. I was so lost in the haze that I couldn’t think too much, I just went along. I was taken by surprise but I kept going. Somewhere deep I knew that I wanted this as much as Zayn did, but somewhere deep I also know that this is wrong.

 It took a while for my senses to cooperate with my mind again and I push him away as I got out of his grip and felt my feet on the floor again. We were both catching our breaths and he looks at me intently, trying to decipher my mood. Another minute of silence passes by and he finally breaks it, “Say something.”

 I shook my head, the tears started to fall down again but this time he comes to my aid and hugs me tight, whispering sweet words but all I could think of is pushing him away. “This is wrong.”

 The hurt in his eyes is evident as he holds me by the shoulders, his breaths shaky and uneven. “L-Look, I know it’s a lot to take in but I’m telling you the truth. I love you, it still sounds so fucking strange to me right now but I know that it’s true.”

 “No, you don’t know what you’re saying.” I shake my head.

 “I do! I know that I-I’m not the ideal guy, I’m sort of fucked up and I hurt you so many times but you changed everything for me and just please give me a chance to explain everything.” He says weakly, his hold on me loosening and he looks down.

 “I can’t, we can’t happen! Don’t you see? It will hurt people around us and I’m not yet ready for another commitment and you know that.” I say, panicked.

 “No, Perrie, no,” He says frantically, “we can happen. I know that not everyone will take us well but give me a chance to be happy, give yourself a chance to be happy. I know you want it too, stop trying to fight it. I love you.”

 “Stop saying that!” I yelled at him, grabbing his hands and putting them away from my shoulders and I see a flicker of pain again.

 He takes a while to recover but when he finally does he breathes heavily, “I-I know that Niall wants to be with you too and it fucking drives me crazy how I know that he’s always going to be the better choice for you but I don’t think he can ever love you like I do.”

 “No, are you hearing yourself, Zayn? This is pathetic! We can’t happen, we can never happen because I-I hate you!” I’m shaking, but the words leave my mouth anyway.

 He swallows the lump on his throat and says more softly, “You don’t mean that.”

 I don’t, but I have to make him think that I do.