Hate That I Love You

20. Zayn - Hate That I Love You

10 days.

Ten days of absolute no contact with Perrie, it’s been difficult. I can tell that she wanted to approach me a lot of times and even though I know that I need to stay away from her, I kind of wish she did. At least then I would have an excuse to talk to her, but she never really pushed through with it. Never in my life did I think that I’d be so wound up about not speaking to her.

Each day I’d try to think of ways to speak to her, explain why I’m being like this without Niall finding out but I can’t do it. Sometimes, I think that I’m being too much of a martyr. I give Niall a chance to be happy and win over the girl while I’m being a fucking sap and moping around every day when I really just want to hang out with Perrie. Fucking hell, this is why I don’t like falling in love or getting involved with this kind of shit.

We’re in Italy now and it’s her birthday today. I bet she doesn’t know that my fingers have been hovering over the screen of my phone since midnight because I’ve wanted to be the one to greet her first but I decided against it and instead tried to go to sleep. We saw each other in the morning, I had managed to greet her but it was so low that I don’t know if she heard it. I turned away just in time to avoid her gaze.

What surprised me are Niall’s words earlier in the interview. He finally admitted that he fancies Perrie to the whole world when there are still rumors about me and her dating. I want to know what she feels about him, if she wants to be with him more than she does with me. I want to know if I’m too late or not, if I can have the same chance Niall has with her.

I don’t even know what to think anymore, I’m not even sure I want to know.

Why am I even feeling this way? If you had asked me months ago if I was willing to date Perrie I’d laugh at your face and probably punch you. Usually, it’s the girls who chase me, not the other way around. I’m not used to this at all. I never knew that it would feel like this, I thought that I was stronger than what I am now. I shouldn’t be falling apart; I’ve already given up the fight so I should accept what’s coming my way but what I can’t admit is that it’s hurting me more than I’d originally thought. I wonder if she feels the same way as I do.

Honestly, I didn’t want to go to her party tonight so I can lessen the pain that we hopefully both feel but Paul had insisted that all of us had to go. The boys sat together on one table while I hid out in one of the corners. I waved to a few people who spotted me, but luckily Perrie didn’t. She was looking around the room and I wondered if she was looking for me.

She looked fucking amazing in her white dress. I saw her talking to Harry for a while before he left and Niall asked her to dance. For a moment there, I thought that she was disappointed that it was him who stood behind her but then she masked out whatever she was feeling with a smile and went to the dance floor with him. It drove me insane to see them dancing together while I was there in the corner drinking and staring longingly.

I thought the dancing was all I had to bear, but then I had to see Niall give her an expensive-looking silver bracelet, which made my present look like crap. She obviously loved it, and I hesitated giving her my present. It was stupid of me to get her one anyway.

Right after they showed the music video for Wings, I immediately went to the balcony because I thought I needed a break from everything that’s happening in that party. Seconds later, the door opens and I look up to see Perrie going over to the other side of the balcony, staring down at the city and then up to the stars like she wanted to see them. I know that I should’ve just left, because that’s what I’m supposed to do but I couldn’t help myself. I just had to talk to her.