Matt:
I can't believe I just left like that, I feel so incredibly guilty.
I woke up earlier, and for a second I was overcome with joy, then I panicked. I was laying there, Sarah using my torso as a pillow, our breathing in sync, and all I could think was, how could I have done this, I know I have the rep, but I'm not the man whore everyone thinks I am, I don't sleep with every girl I meet, I'm just constantly searching for someone I could love. And this time, I'd gone about it all wrong, I can't deny the connection between me and Sarah, but I'd gone ahead and slept with her, partly because at the time I wanted it more than anything, but also because I was trying to forget about the small longing at the back of mind, the part of me that was still yearning for Jane.
Jane. As I was leaving, I saw her, in her room, the door was wide open, but she wasn't alone, Jack was with her. She let him stay the night. I don't think they'd had sex, because whilst she was under the covers, wrapped in the tight little cocoon she always somehow made for herself, he was on top of them, laying on his back, obviously barely asleep, because the small unavoidable noises I made, began to rouse him from his sleep.
I didn't want to think about Jack and Jane; I knew that my insane jealousy from before was just that, completely insane, ridiculous even. I wasn't still in love with her; otherwise I'd be feeling guilty about Sarah, instead of just feeling guilty about leaving her.
I remembered my shirt, just before I walked out the door, and tiptoed back into the kitchen where I'd left it, I ignored the blouse lying next to it, I quickly slipped it on, and walked out.
I left their building, and not wanting to go home, decided on a direction, and mindlessly walked around, for what felt like hours. Eventually I ended up in a park, unsure which one. I needed time to clear my head, before I could face the real world again. Which is how I found myself seated on a bench, almost hidden behind a cluster of trees. It's one of those vantage points, where you yourself can see everywhere around you, but everyone else would only see the trees, who's leaves formed a sight barrier, one that anyone in a position similar to mine would be grateful for.
A million thoughts rushed through my mind, many questions, that I couldn't find an answer for, but two just kept surfacing; why did I leave Sarah? And what would she think of me now?
The rigidness of my position became uncomfortable, and not caring about what I would look like, I ended up a lying on the bench, staring up at the sky, watching the cloud formations.
Eventually, I think I fell asleep, time passed so quickly, and I awoke with a start, quickly glancing around, I saw no one, and patting myself down I was happy to find that I hadn't been robbed in my sleep. I found my phone, surviving on minimum power, I saw several missed calls, all from Sarah. There were some messages as well, one from Jack, one from my dad, and a few from some girls I used to date. I ignored those, reading only the ones from Jack and our dad. Jack's only said 'Why'd you leave?' whilst the one from dad was reminding me about some family dinner tomorrow.
I replied to Jack, writing 'I don't know, tell her I'm sorry.' I hit send, and received an answer almost immediately, 'She's not here, left earlier.'
Relief hit me instantaneously, I was glad that I hadn't actually put Jack in that position, he didn't like being the 'bearer of bad news' as he always puts it.
As I was contemplating what to text back, my phone started to ring again, it took me a few seconds to realise it was Sarah, and I froze, hit with an adrenaline rush. I didn't know what to do, answer it? Before I had the chance, the phone battery failed me; the stream of phone calls had seemingly depleted it. The phone died, mid ring, something which would have sent it to voicemail, giving her the impression that I'd hung up on her.
I sighed, not in relief but in regret. 'I've really fucked up this time.' I mumbled to myself, hoisting myself up. I tried to shake off the stiffness in my back. I let go of the breath I didn't know I was holding. I wanted to call myself pathetic, I wanted to call up Sarah and apologise, and more than anything, I wanted to go home, to crawl into my bed, and forget the past 24 hours.
I was about to leave, when I caught sight of a girl I used to go out with, a Clara, walking a Golden Labrador. I was hoping to walk on by without being noticed, but she saw me, and called out my name. I stopped, and smiled. She jogged over, the dog right behind her. There was a conversation, but I can honestly say that I don't remember what was said. She was flirting, but I wasn't interested. She seemed to believe I was however, because she promised she'd call.
I was exhausted; the rush of emotions I had already experienced today was too much.
I walked away from the girl with the golden dog, with the intention of going home.
I was crossing the road outside the park, when something I couldn't explain made me look back.
And there she was, the girl I couldn't stop thinking about. Sarah, on the arm of some guy I vaguely recognised from somewhere. Anyone who didn't know them would assume they were a couple. I knew different, but it didn't stop the pangs of jealousy and hurt that suddenly tore through me.
