The Capo and His Queen (Book 2 In PTMM Series)

Chapter: 27

  "We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there." 
― Pascal Mercier.    

~***~

Yana Pov~

Gianna left me with the giant. He sat down taking Gia's empty seat placing his large warm hand on my back. I huffed out into my arms as my head still remained on the table. I didn't want to talk to him. Because I don't want him to think I regret falling in love with him, and marrying him and having our children. 

He was my steady when my life was constantly changing, he brought joy into my life, a lighter side to all the dark things that lurked back at the Russian Mansion. He made me laugh and feel a spark I had never felt before. not as a child or a young adult. 

He was my everything. I didn't know how to explain the things I was feeling. And the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. 

"Cosa ti infastidisce mia cara?" (What's wrong my dear?) He whispered as he rubbed soothing circles on my back, calling me by the name I have grown to love over the years. 

You see! How can I hurt him when he was just so dang sweet all the time!! 

I internally took a deep breathe and grew some metaphorical balls as I slowly raised my head to look at his warm brown eyes. He was concerned but the love was lacing underneath it. 

"You know I love you, right?" I murmur giving him my most serious look, so he knows I am not joking. He gave me a warm smile and nodded, dipping his head down a little grazing his lips with mine before pulling away slightly to look me in the eyes. 

"Always." He says. "Please don't be mad at what I am about to say." I warn with a pleading look. "As long as you didn't fuck anyone, or eat the leftover cake I brought home, I'll be okay." He said in a normal voice. 

I chuckled slightly and shook my head "No. I am curious about our past. Maybe the decisions we made back then are affecting the kids now." I murmur glancing all over his perfect face. I know I am being vague, but for once my words were stuck. I didn't know what to say. 

"What are you saying cara? You didn't want to have kids?" He asked utterly confused and puzzled. I shook my head no really quickly. "No I love our children. They are my life...." I paused trying to think of a way to explain better. 

"I was just wondering if we had made the wrong mistake of thinking things would just fall into perfection after our fathers were gone. Like things would magically be resolved. We didn't even consider how this would effect our kids, or the ways they would be exposed to all the prejudices of the Mafia's. I....I just can't bare to see them hurt like that, to be treated as they are nothing but mistakes. That was how I was treated my whole life from my own family. Never being loved or treated fairly, everyone always looking down on you, as if you were nothing. I- I told myself that I would not allow my kids to feel that way. That would Never happen. And yet.......look where we are Matteo. My worst fear came true...." 

I was breathing heavily by the end of my rant. But it felt good to get it out in the open.
Matteo grasps my hand as his eyes bore into my own. He saw all my past insecurities and fears. He knew what he fel in love with when he did, he knew the baggage I would have. And yet he had baggage as well, half of what he didn't share because he claims it was too gruesome for his most loved ones to know. Some memories only him and his brothers shared.

"Mia Cara the difference between you then and our kids now is that they are growing up in a house where they are loved and cherished and weighted on. They are sad to say it, but spoilt. They are showered in love everyday. We are raising smart, and caring, strong kids. We can not change the past cara, we can only embrace the future and make the most of this fucked up situation our family always seems to be in." He said. I looked between his eyes and nodded.