My Great Sin (Heronstairs AU)

Day 1

Dear Journal,

My sister, Cecily, suggested I keep a journal to record my feelings. Because apparently I'm too "depressing". So, here it goes:

All day I stuck by Jem, keeping my head down and pushing past people in the halls.

I didn't say much today besides a few snide comments, but then again, when do I ever say anything besides when I'm being sarcastic?

I don't want to let people in. You could say I'm scared, even. I push everyone away. It's not good to do that, I know. Yet somehow Jem made a crack in my wall, and he's stuck by me, and been my best friend for 5 years. I don't know why. I'm not a good person.

Am I supposed to tell a journal who I am? I've never done this before. But I guess I will.

My name is William Herondale. I'm 17 years old, and I go to a high school in London. My very best (and only) friend is James Carstairs (Jem), and I am in love with him. I guess I should have mentioned that before.

He is the most important person in my life. He's always there for me, even when I'm a bastard to him. But besides being the kindest person I've ever met, he's also the most beautiful. He has dark hair like mine, but dark eyes, unlike my blue ones. He's very thin and tall. Beautiful.

Um, enough about Jem. My family consists of my mother, my father, and my sister Cecily. I had another sister, Ella, but she passed away a few years ago due to cancer. I still miss her.

My family and I are not close. I don't tell them anything. The only person I could be considered "close" to is Cecily, but that's just because I'm overly protective of her.

My parents like to blame my lack of interaction and constant moping on depression. I don't know if that's really it. Maybe it is. I suppose it's my fault, though. But I can't really talk to people at school, because they all know me as "Will Herondale, that one depressed kid that follows James Carstairs around".

Girls have told me that I'm attractive before. I don't really care- I bat for the other team.

Nobody knows that I'm gay, either. There's NO way I'm telling Jem, and since my family knows absolutely nothing about me...

I have to go now. My mom says that it's dinner. Not that I want to go to dinner, but oh well.

Sincerely,
Will.