Happier

6

Journal Entry #1

Hannah gave me this notebook and told me to write in it, so here I am, writing in it. I don't really know what to write about. I read Hannah's journal and she wrote a lot of things, so I guess I'll just write something.

I went to the studio with the boys today and Hannah came with us. She wanted to see what I did when she wasn't with me, so we let there tag along. She sat in the corner and smiled a big smile. She kept checking her phone and laughing at random things, though. It was probably just some Instagram posts or something.

This is one thing I hate about me. I worry too much and get jealous too easily. I shouldn't be worried when she glances at her phone every now and then, but I am. Especially when right after we finished rehearsals, she pecked my cheek and said goodbye then rushed out the door. Where was she going? Why did it bother me that much? I texted her later and she told me she had to go see her mum, but I didn't really believe her. Rye told me it was fine and not to worry about it. So I tried not to worry.

I don't know what else to write.

Goodbye.

.

Rye-

I know I skimmed through the book before, but I sat here now, taking in every word off of the page. I hadn't realized just how much Andy had actually worried that day. While he was feeling jealous, I was also feeling jealous from a distance. I never truly liked or trusted Hannah. I put up with her because I knew she made Andy happy, and Andy's happiness was all that mattered to me.

I had never told anyone the fact that I like Andy. But being here now, Andy asleep next to me with his head on my chest, soft snores coming from his slightly parted lips, his tear stained cheeks and messy hair, I felt like the whole world should know that he would one day be mine. At least I hoped. Knowing that he liked me was one of the best things that I had ever known.

He was everything to me, and to know that he could possibly feel the same about me was amazing. I flipped the pages a few times, stopping on one that really caught my attention.

Journal Entery #12

Today was horrible. I did a live.ly with Mikey and someone said I was fat, and I believed them. I still do. I mean, look at Rye for example, he's so fit, and then there's me. I FaceTimed Hannah but she was too worried about how her makeup looked since she was going out with her friends. I wonder sometimes why I even try...

.

I closed the book and placed it on the table beside Andy's bed as my eyes teared up. I wrapped my arms even tighter around the poor boy as a tear slipped down my cheek. It fell on Andy's head, followed by another and another. He began to stir as he lifted his head up in confusion.

"Rye? What's wrong?" He asked softly as he sat up slightly to get a better look at me. I placed my hand on his cheek.

"You've been hurting for so long, and I've been so blind that I haven't even noticed it, until a month ago. I'm so sorry." I said as more tears started coming quicker. He studied my face and then looked directly into my eyes.

"Rye.. don't be sorry. It's ok that you didn't notice it because wether you know it or not, you had always helped me through the tough times. Just as you are now. I don't know where I would be without you, Ryan." He said as he leaned down and placed a kiss to my lips. I smiled a small smiled and pulled him down so he was laying on me. He giggled and burried his face into the crook of my neck.

"Rye?" I heard Andy mumble a few minutes later.

"Hmm?" I responded. I felt him roll off of me and look at me. He didn't say anything. He just stayed there as we admired eachother presences, until his cheeks turned noticably pink and he rolled over so he was facing the wall. I sighed and scooched over to him to check up on him.

"No, Rye! You shouldn't be this nice to me. Just admit that you don't love me and that you don't care and leave me alone!" He said as I knew he had started to cry. I didn't know where this was coming from, and if I'm being honest, it scared me a bit.

"Andy, baby, don't say that! Of course I love you and of course I care about you! If you want me to leave you alone for a bit I can, but I do care about you, a lot." I said as I attempted to pry his hands away from his face.

He let out a sob that killed me. My heart ached to fix this boy, to mend his broken pieces back together. I wanted to take all his pain and give him nothing but happiness. I wanted to show him nothing but love and care. I wanted to protect him from the dark side of our world and hold him so he knew he was safe and always would be. I wanted to make him happy, and if I couldn't make him all the way happy, I at least wanted to make him happier.

He avoided looking at me and whimpered.

"C-can you p-please leave me a-alone for a l-little while?" He choked out. He was slowly breaking my heart.

Harvey was gone back home to see his mum and I knew the other boys would home at any minute, so I gently lifted Andy up and carried him to my room, placing him on my bed before leaving and closing the door behind me.

I had barely made it back to Andy's bed before floods of tears came down my cheeks and I turned to face the wall, wondering what I had done wrong.

~