37 weeks, the baby had made it this long. This long. Every month, we checked how much he had grown, and how smoothly his organs were functioning.
Every month he got better, he never had an issue. He was a soccer player, he thought my intestine were a soccer ball. He was a healthy baby, they predicted he'd be somewhere around 6 and a half pounds, just perfect.
"Do you want anything to drink? I made some tea, if you'd like some." Ross breaks the silence that lingered throughout the hollow baby room. "Yes please." I croak out, my voice being hoarse from crying and hardly any talking.
I stand up, my fingers brushing against the empty crib, Ross and I put it together in September. We hardly knew how to do it, we laughed at how stupid we were. It took at least 4 hours to assemble what we were going to put our precious boy in.
"Here you go babe." Ross catches my attention, sticking the cup out for me to take. "Thanks." I say shortly. "3 sugars and one ice cube, just how you like it." Ross tries to cut the awkwardness. "Yep." I say, sipping it slowly.
"Honey, would you like anything to eat? You haven't ate in 2 days." He asks, I shake my head. "I'm okay." I tell him, sitting back down in my rocking chair. We received the rocking chair from his grandmother, a baby shower gift. "I should probably give this back to your nana, we have no use for it now." I tell him, running my fingers over the smooth wood.
"Don't say that. It was a gift y/n, she won't want it back. This is not the end for our family, don't say things like that." Ross snaps, I nod. "Okay." I say shortly.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you." He apologizes quickly, I trace the hem of my shirt. "It's okay." I whisper, rocking the chair slowly.
I lay my hand on my stomach, the afterbirth swelling has started to come off. I didn't look as pregnant, just a little more pudge than I had before.
The birth was supposed to be smooth, it could of went by seamlessly. The day was pretty normal, Ross and I spent most the day at home.
My water broke around 1 in the afternoon, Ross had that panicked husband, soon to be dad run. He paced around the house trying to find things to take to the hospital with us. "The bag is by the door Ross, let's go. A baby is trying to escape out of my vagina." I groan, Ross looked like a deer in the headlights. "Right. Right, by the door. Yes, okay let's go sweetie." Ross rushes past me, I chuckle lightly, wobbling to the car.
"Your mom has called a couple of times, she wants to talk to you badly." Ross interrupts my thoughts, he's been like a shadow this past week. Following close behind me, making sure I don't reach a mental peak and breakdown. "I'll talk to her later." I monotony speak. "Okay." He sighs, leaving the nursery room.
Once we got to the hospital, they put us in a room, the doctor coming in to see how many centimeters I was. "Mrs. Macdonald, you're already 6 cm dilated, around 10 is when we will ask you to push. For now, you can take the epidural, and find anyway you'd like to speed the delivery. As you can tell, the contractions are horrible, so let us know if there is anything we can do." She says, I smile through the pain. "Thank you." I moan out, a contraction becoming full force.
Time passed, the doctor coming in periodically to check the dilation. "9 centimeters, we're getting really close! I'm going to start put my gown on, let the nurses bring their equipment in, and then we're going to prepare for a healthy little boy." Our doctor says, leaving the room momentarily. The nurses bring in all of their supplies, our doctor coming back in after them, this time she's fully gowned.
"You can go ahead and start pushing. We're going to count to 10 each push that you have. Ross, you can hold her hand while we do this, okay! You ready y/n?" She asks, I nod. "Let's push girl." She states, squatting down. I push with all my might, squeezing Ross' hand tightly. "7,8,9,10. Rest, take a deep breath. That was a good push, I'm seeing a lot of hair." She says with a smile, I nod. "I'm ready again." I state, leaning forward. I begin to push again, starting to feel pressure shift. "You've got this y/n, his head is almost out. One more push." Our doctor encourages me. I push with all I had in me, it was just too much. "He's here!" She yells, I didn't hear any crying. "Why isn't he crying?" Ross and I ask at the same time.
Our doctor rushes the baby over to the crib, pulling the stethoscope from around her neck. She puts it against his chest, she jumps up quickly. "Somebody page peds, now!" She yells to any of the nurses. "What's going on?" I ask frantically, Ross and I give each other a panicked look. "We don't know yet, we're going to do the best we can." She says, wheeling our baby straight out of the room.
"Your mom is calling again." Ross says, peeping his head in. "I don't want to fucking talk Ross. Tell her to stop calling, I just need time alone." I yell, his face drops. "If that's what you'd like." He says, leaving the room. Tears began to fall rapidly, Ross hadn't cried since the day our son was born.
At least 10 minutes had passed, Ross and I had cried the whole time. As a new parent, the fear of something happening to your child becomes overwhelming. Especially when you haven't even had the chance to hold him. "Ross, Y/N, I regret to inform you that your son has passed. We tried everything we could to bring him back to life. It seems that he was stillborn, which means he was alive until delivery." Our doctor says, every syllable of her sentence seemed to be a stab to the chest. "No! That can't be! No!" I yell, Ross engulfing me into a hug, his tears wetting my hospital gown. "You said we'd deliver a healthy baby!" I shout, sobs raking my body. "I'm so sorry guys. I'll leave you alone now, the nurse will allow you to see your little boy shortly." She says, stepping out.
Ross and I sobbed together, our bodies basically shaking. "I'm so sorry." I apologize repeatedly to Ross, this had to be my fault. "It's not your fault." Ross kept saying, smoothing my hair out. A knock on the door grabbed our attention, we saw the nurse with our son bundled up in a white blanket. "I'm so sorry, we can only allow a certain time. I'll be in the hall." She handed me our son, my heart aching.
I cried as I rocked our son, I would never know how amazing he would be in the future. I would never know if he said mommy or daddy first. Would he like baseball? Or dance? Would he be excellent in math? Would he have the same giggle as Ross, or blue eyes like me. I would never know, and as I held him I felt the life leave my body too. Ross held him, crying so loudly that my heart broke more than I thought it ever could. "I'm so sorry." I repeated again, Ross cried harder. "I'm sorry, it's time." The nurse says, I leave a tender kiss on his head. "I'll always love you." I whisper, sobs never stopping.
"I've come to bring you some crackers, eat a little bit. If not, I'm calling the doctor." Ross demands, I chuckle. "Did you know that stillbirth only happens to 1 in 160 people in the US, that's like 26,000 a year. I was 1 in 26,000." I cry, Ross steps into the room. "We were 1 in 26,000, not just you. I'm here too, I'm suffering. I cry myself to sleep every night while you sit in here. I need my wife to grieve with, we lost our son, and I need you. Please." Ross finally breaks, I stand up from the rocking chair, my arms open.
Ross runs into my arms, and we both cry together. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to shut you out. It's just so hard." I cry loudly, he shakes his head. "It's okay babe, we're going to be okay. We're going to get through this and have another baby, a healthy baby. We will keep trying, I love you and our son, regardless." He says, hugging me tighter. "I love you ross, I'm so sorry." I say, he kisses my head. "I love you too." He repeats.
There are probably a lot of mistakes, I'm sorry. I am in real tears, this made me depressed.
