All These Years | Camren

Be brave

You don't see her again until the first day of summer. It's not too hot outside, so you go to the backyard trampoline and practice some of your ballet jumps. Its not to long until you hear the zipper of the trampoline enclosure, this makes you turn around, and there she is. She's wearing short pink overalls with a white shirt underneath. Her hair is tied up in two pigtails and she already took her shoes off before getting into the trampoline. You look down at your black leotard and tutu and you feel kinda stupid for dressing up just to go jump.

"Hi Lauren! I'm so happy you finally came out to use this, I get so bored in the guest house and I'm always looking out the window to see if you come out to play so I can join you."

Your heartbeat starts speeding up.

"You're not suppose to be here." That's the only thing you can manage to say right before she bounces up and down three times as if she's warming up.

"Don't worry, mom told me she was going to be in the Laundry room all day and that's in the other side of the house right? I'll be back in the couch before she even notices I'm here," She finishes her sentence with an attempt of doing a double spin but she stumbles in her landing and falls back. She gets right back up and tries doing that again but fails. "Ugh! I'm so close, right? I just need to go higher," she tries again, but fails, and you know exactly why.

You look around and theres no way anybody is watching you right now. You're mom is in her home office taking international calls and she's usually there until 4PM. You're dad is with his golf buddies and Chris is in his game room, which means he'll only be out when lunch is ready. You know you're not supposed to interact with Camila in any way but, it's the first day of summer and it makes you feel free and brave so you decide you're going to ignore the voice inside your head and just teach her how to spin correctly.

"It's not about a high jump, it's more about moving your shoulders and head in the direction of the spin."

She instantly stops jumping and lands in a sitting down position, "Show me."

You take a deep breath and position  yourself with enough space to do the spin. You look at her for a second and she gives you two thumbs up and a wide smile. With that, you jump. You've done this many times so the spin comes out smoothly. You land perfectly and you immediately look at Camila and she's all smiles and happiness and she starts clapping as if you just finished a performance at the olympics.

She gives it a couple of tries, you correct her when she forgets to position her head correctly and you genuinely clap your hands excitedly when she almost has it. She finally gets it completely right by her 11th attempt and she just bounces around the trampoline excitedly and then she fakes a faint and lands on her back and just lays there staring at the sky. She looks at you and pads her side, gesturing for you to lay down with her. You don't overthink it, it's a natural gesture, you lay down, breathless and flushed, because of all the jumping.

"What is your favorite thing in the entire world?" She says it with her eyes closed as if she's trying to take in all the oxygen around her. 

You close your eyes just like her and you barely think about your answer before you let out, "Dancing."

Your hands are brushing each other unconsciously, but then she moves her fingers above yours, in between yours, she dances them all around yours and it's burning your hand apart. You should be used to the California heat by now, its the reason your forehead feels sticky and your leotard is a bit damped. But you're eight years old and you've never thought about the fact that other people can make you feel as if the sun is closer... you're burning up, but it doesn't hurt, so you let her do it.

"What about you?," it's maybe just the polite thing to do, ask back, but you're not trying to be polite, you want to know, you kind of want to know stuff about her. With your question, you turn your hand around so your palm is facing the sky, and you move your fingers with Camila's, it's a stupid thought but, it seems like your hands are dancing with eachother.

One moment of bravery...followed by ultimate panic.

"Miss Lauren, lunch is ready," Sinu's  voice echoes from the door that takes you from the kitchen to the backyard. You feel Camila trying to get up and you quickly push her back down.

"Stay down, you're not suppose to be in here!" You whisper to her before you yell out "Coming!" To Sinu. You hear the kitchen door close and you let out a shaky breath.

"It's just my mom Lauren, why are you so paranoid?"

And you look at her and you see it.

You see your moms face when she told you "Be professional" and "Show them you're above them". You see the stain in the sleeve of her shirt, and you know she still wears it, even with the stain, because she probably can't buy a new one. Or unlike you, she doesn't have tons of shirts to choose from. You see it. The difference. You have this, you have everything. And even if part of you, the part where Maria planted her seed of love and compassion, wants to give Camila more, or just a bit of the everything you have, even if that part is kinda pulling for you to do so, you shut it down. Because theres a voice, a bigger voice that's saying "all they want is your money" and that's the one you choose to listen to.

"Let's do one last spin before you go eat lunch" Camila says already bouncing on her feet ready to do the trick.

"No, this was wrong. You need to leave and not talk to me again. You're not-...I'm not your-... We're not friends." You say as you open the zipper of the trampoline enclosure.

She stops bouncing, "why?"

"Because you're not-... I mean, were different -... and your mom-...Because you're-"

"Not rich?" She says it effortlessly, because it's a fact and you don't understand why it's making you so nervous. You hear her sigh and it makes you look at her, she gives you a small smile, forced, and then she just passes by you and exits the trampoline. When you exit behind her, she turns right, towards the guest house. You turn left, towards the door her mom came out of a couple of minutes ago. And you think it's over, but then she says something that shoots right through you, "Lauren?" You turn around inevitably, "... life's to short to be afraid," you just stand there, telling yourself to inhale and exhale... and then she shoots, "if you're ever feeling brave, you know where to find me."

She leaves.

You eat lunch.

But you write in your journal, in big bold letters, I WANT TO BE BRAVE.