Last Love

Sincerely Your First and, Hopefully, Last Love

One Year Later

The Julliard School

New York, New York

Tonight is the night I have been looking forward to my entire life. After grueling as an understudy, kissing up to directors, and busting ass in all of my performance classes for an entire year I finally got my first lead in a musical. I really should be more grateful, and don't get me wrong I literally was willing to sell my soul and first-born soul for this opportunity. However, I should remember than it's nearly unheard of for even a second year to get cast as a lead. Some people don't get a lead spot until even their senior year. My parents both cried when I told them that I would be the lead. They are criers, but that's okay. It makes me happy to know how proud they are of me.

However, I don't think I have ever trained so hard for a role in my entire life. Rehearsals were every day from 5:30 until 11 p.m. Sometimes if Director Gates didn't believe we did well enough he would keep us there until 2 a.m. It was mentally and physically exhausting. I got cast in this role in August, at the beginning of the school year, and it's not a week before finals. We just got a break from rehearsals to grab dinner before heading back to the performance hall. Winter time in New York has proven to be one of my favorite times of the year. The light from the sun glistened off of the snow in the most majestic way. I would usually wake up early, right as the sun would rise and I would rush to the park new by my apartment. I would sit on the swings and watch that first ray of sun beam on the freshly laid snow. There was nothing more beautiful in my eye that seeing the sparkle of the white ground. It was like looking at an earth completely coasted with white glitter. It was pure and untainted. It was perfect. Growing up in L.A. I wasn't raised on snow. And before moving to New York I had only seen snow once and that's when I went on the skiing trip with... Asher.

I hadn't seen him in probably a little over a year. The last time I saw him was when we had our talk after the graduation. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about him since then. I would also be lying if I said I didn't ask about him from time to time. He's started up a youtube channel and is releasing videos of him singing in hopes of being discovered. His channel is actually really popular. Last time I went on it he had over 200 thousand followers. When I was talking to Adam the other day he said it had reached 500 thousand. Adam is how I get all my information on Asher. Adam and I stayed friends even after Asher and I split up. I guess Asher and I just silently decided that we would be able to share custody of Adam. It was nice too, because I had gotten so close to Adam those years ago when Asher and I dated that he felt like an older brother to me. Along with that, it kind of feels like I have some type of connection to Asher still, even though it's through Adam. Adam thins it's really stupid that we're not talking to each other and thinks we should just go out and get coffee. He thinks that if we keep waiting to talk then it'll be too late and we'll never get together again. I still stand by the decision I made that night. I mean, look at us now. We're both on track to live out our dreams. Now, I'm not saying that if I had stayed with Asher that I wouldn't be where I am today. I'm sure he would've, and still does, support me endlessly. Yet, I'm finally learning how to love myself. I'm learning how to be alone and how it is to live without him. So, I have come to terms with the fact that we might never be together again. That everything between us could've ended that night one year ago. With that being said, in my heart I still believe that we are meant to be together and whatever is meant to be will be. It might not be now, or in a year, or in 5 years, but I do believe that we will find our way back to each other.

As I stepped up to the door I saw the massive poster that has been hung up all around school. It had my face, and my co-lead's face front and center. I touched it lightly, almost wanting to take it for myself, even though I had one hanging up in my room at home. These flyers I saw hanging in every hallway gave me a small twinge of hope. Ever since I got cast in a lead part I had prayed that Asher would see one of these posters and see that I had finally achieved my dream. That he would be compelled to come and watch me perform. I so wanted to see his face. Even if it is just once. Even if it's just a glance. I want to see if his face has matured any. I want to know if he changed the way he styled his hair. I want to know if he has given in to the New York style, even though he said he'd always have that L.A. flare. I just want to see him. I really want to see him.