The Canyon Calls Me Home

.It's not the same.

Bert's POV

I woke up and she wasn't on the couch. It had only been like what? Twenty minutes. She wasn't there and it freaked me out. I hope I didn't hurt her. I shoved Quinn and he woke up.

"Luca, she's gone!" I started to feel even more worried.

Quinn rolled his eyes. "Have you checked upstairs?" He turned over and went back to sleep.

I went upstairs and the door was open. The light was still on but she laid in bed, my god she was peaceful. Her shoes and socks were still on and she was curled up. I decided to slowly try to get her shoes off, they were very dirty. I pulled one off and she stirred, her socks were white with pink at the toes, completely different from her personality. She definitely hid that side of her. She woke up a little as I pulled the blankets on top of her. 

"What's...Bert?"

"Yeah? I'm here."

"What are we?.." She went back to sleep. I smiled and kissed her forehead, getting into bed with her. She breathed quietly, something that was lovely to hear. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

___

I woke up and she was still right beside me, I checked my phone: 5 a.m.

"Great," I thought, "this is how it's gonna be." I had trouble sleeping, and the reason was because of my past and the stress and everything. I knew how to calm down and go back to sleep, but I wasn't going to let that happen.

I was clean.

Or at least I was supposed to be. 

I went downstairs, I knew that Quinn still had my stuff. Quinn had always kept it in the basement, right under the stairs. He never threw that shit away because he never went down there and never checked. I hadn't been here in a long time, but I knew he still had everything. 

In the basement, the lights were dimmed down, because they never went out. I turned them up and hopped off the last step and checked the third from the bottom. The tape was still clinging on for life as was the package. I opened it up, smile spreading across my tired face. It was the same as last time. 

I sat down by the staircase, grabbing the package and needle from it. It still was filled from when Quinn pulled it out of my hands over 5 months ago.  I hoped it still was usable, but I didn't care. I pulled the string around my arm taught, if hurt but it felt good. 

Just this time it was different.

This wasn't the same.

Last time I did this Kate was with me. She was so happy to get the relief she felt. She injected the fluid into my arm first before hers and we both were deep in this feeling, a feeling I could never describe. I looked up, closing my eyes and a tear went down my cheek. I could feel that my body was screaming for it, and my head was too. 

I slowly pushed it into my skin, helping the needle along and injecting the full dose. I laid my head against the wall and closed my eyes. What a beautiful feeling. I felt my strength slip and I was in oblivion. 

---

I woke up hours later, with a raging headache. The package I realized was still on the floor. I knew if Quinn really looked he'd find it, so I rushed upstairs and put it in my bag. No one had woken up yet, so it was only me, lonely me. I saw Luca laying there and she looked like a dream. I thought of the places I had been with her and how she never deserved me. She had never seen what I was truly like, as we had only been together for 3, maybe 4 months. I hid with an act, the happy go-lucky McCracken. The one who is kind and hides his emotions and everything that came with it. I wasn't like that at all. I was depressed, and constantly thought about it. I cried, a lot and talked openly about everything. People knew me, just I was afraid to open up to Luca. She, to me at least, would hate me for who I am. I hoped she wasn't the same way. I hoped she would be okay and that she'd still love me.

But I couldn't break it to her. I didn't want her to know everything. She would end up like Kate. I didn't want that. I never wanted that.

I fell on my knees, sobbing and thinking about everything that could go wrong. I heard her move and I fell out of my state, getting off the floor and wiping my eyes. 

"Hey, you okay?" She said groggy and tired. "You look upset."

"I'm fine," I said, "I'm just tired." I laid down with her, she curled up and laid her head on my chest.

"It feels so good to be here with you." She turned and kissed me, then laid back down. "I don't miss anything about my family or anything. I'm just so happy now."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm, can we just lay here for a while? I don't want to get up yet."

"Yes love." I held her close to me and we talked for hours, until Quinn finally came in the room. He wanted us to get up, but we resisted. I finally got up and dragged Luca out of bed, she was over my shoulder, kicking me as I walked down stairs with her. 

"Can I get my hair cut?" She asked, "I'm bored with this long, shitty thing." She untied her hair, it was long and looked like it hadn't been washed in weeks. The red was starting to come out and the natural brunette was showing. "I want it short."

Quinn looked over, he started to make food for breakfast. "I could do it. Let me finish this and I can do it for you. How long do you want it?"

"Um, like, to here." She pointed to her hair about the same area to her chin. She had it parted down the middle today and I looked amazing, even if she had just gotten up. "I need a change."

"So basically you just want where your natural hair starts?" He was making us waffles, I knew he could cook. I did better than him but this was his house, I wasn't gonna try to mess things up. He did things his way and I did mine. 

"Yeah, I brought some green dye with me. I bought it before we left." She looked up at me and I remembered. I was the one who picked it out. It was a dark green that would definitely suit her. 

Quinn got out the waffle iron and set if out on the table, he poured the made batter onto it and shut the lid. "Alright, just don't get it everywhere." 

"Cool," she sat down and I did along with her. I then got up and went into the kitchen to talk to Quinn.

"Hey," he whispered, "I found you downstairs this morning. I thought you said you were off that shit."

My heart dropped.

He knew.