Before I Go ➸ L.H

1

Selena...

The annoying constant loop of my alarm continues to play. Wake up it's telling me. Do I really want to though? Not really. But with a groan, I stop the loop and roll out from under my warm and comfortable covers. My pale legs are out and my feet hit the cold floor. I grab clean clothes and undergarments. The silence in my home can scare people, if they're not used to literally being alone almost every day.

Parents are out of the house before six a.m. , and I wake thirty minutes after. Well that's what they think. Most mornings I wake before them, laying in the cold silence until they awake and begin to plan their day without me. That's how I know they purposely avoid me. And the only person in my family I can truly depend on is my brother, who is hours away at his college. He rarely visits us.

I step into my bathroom and turn on the hot water. But before I step in the water, I catch a glimpse of myself. A broken, weak and unsightly human. My natural hair is short and barley growing back, but usually falls out again. My skin is pale and covered in large red spots and bruises. I'm as thin as the amount of time I have to live.

My face stays blank and I look away from my hideous image and step into the steaming water. The hot water hits me and yet I don't feel pain from it. I've endured worse than this. For a few minutes I stand under the running water. Then I wash myself. My fingers graze over where my hair used to be. My long thick, dark brown hair. I miss it so much.

After a few more minutes I finally step out and dry myself off. Slowly, I change into my black leggings and light purple sweater.I brush my teeth and grab the wig placed neatly on my counter. I secure it onto my head, it's as close to real hair I'll ever get to again. Once again I look at my reflection. I've already cried enough about my appearance, there's nothing left.

My hand reaches over to a drawer beside me, where inside are multiple orange bottles of pills. So many damn ineffective pills. They don't do much for anyone. They'll help the pain they say. They'll help infections. They'll help your blood and iron levels. I call it bullshit. It's just more useless things they force me to take while my parents spit out money they barely have. But if it'll make my parents get off my back and calm down even the slightest bit, I'll take them.

I make my way back to my room to grab my flats and book bag. A picture in my mirror catches my eye. It's probably the one thing that can almost bring me to tears.

A grab the photo and look at it, as I do almost every day. It's me, my brother Derek, and Cher, she was my best friend. We all look so happy this day. It was Derek's birthday and we all surprised him with a huge party.

Derek is gone and so is Cher. Life isn't so happy anymore. Neither of them know of my condition. They both left before I even knew.

Derek left when he was eighteen and I was thirteen. He moved in with a friend near his college and decided to stay there.

Cher moved shortly after Derek. Her mom and father got a divorce, she had to move back to the United Kingdom with her mom. We lost touch and I haven't spoke to her since then.

Now I look at my face in this old photograph. My natural hair. My genuine smile and happiness. The way I looked alive. All I ever wonder is what I did to deserve this.

As I feel my eyes watering up, I stop them by blinking and placing the picture back. I grab my bag and slip on my black flats. I walk down the stairs very carefully and into the kitchen. Since I got Leukemia, I also lost my appetite. Hence why I'm extremely thin and unhealthy looking. I place a piece of bread in the toaster, It pops out after a minute. I put a little butter on it and attempt to eat as much as I can handle. Sadly I can't even finish half of it. I toss the rest away and grab my keys to leave.