Red Hope

Chapter 12

Jordan's POV

I placed my bag on the dressing room bench and looked up at my jersey in which I knew I would be wearing today. The boss had just told us the team and I was starting in the midfield along with Stevie, Stewart, and Dylan.

I didn't want to play today at all. And that was weird because I never, ever said that even if I was feeling ill.

However today I was feeling more than ill. I felt broken...and I wasn't even sure whether that was an emotion or not. In fact, broken was an understatement. I guess I could use the word mutilated but that would be strange. Defeated, demoralised, heartsick; of those words would do.

I thought the occasion which was today would cheer me up considerably but in fact it had dragged me down further. Ever since Liverpool had announced they were to play a pre-season friendly against Barcelona, I'd been so excited and ecstatic. That was the one team I'd been wanting to play against for a couple of years now. Last season we'd finished third in the table, so we had a chance at playing the Spanish giants in the Champions League but I guess for now, a pre-season game was just as great.

This week had overshadowed pre-season a lot though. It was a week since...the incident and from that moment on I had not felt or been the same. In the game against Lille I'd not played my best, in fact I played the total opposite. I could've gotten myself sent off at least three times but because it was a friendly, the officials thankfully let it go. I'd made maybe five complete passes throughout the game which was so poor it was unbelieveable. No wonder we only drew 1-1...

I'd let down the team and the fans down that day. I enjoyed football so much and to just play in a way that made the whole team feel so downhearted made me feel so guilty.

I didn't blame Bea though. You'd think I would after what had happened but I didn't. I wanted to be angry at her, so angry that I hated her but there was no way I could. I still loved her so much and I knew what I felt for her wasn't going to go away.

The disturbing thought of her and Max kissing was still stuck in my head. This is why I felt to terrible; I thought she didn't love me enough. She'd let that dickhead kiss her even though she'd told me that she never wanted to see him again. And yet, I still loved her and needed her and wanted her so bad.

Dylan had been astonishingly supportive this past week which took me by surprise because I thought he'd be taking Bea's side in all of this. Mind you, he hated Max with a passion too so I can see why he would be mad at Bea. Dylan had told me that Bea was going to talk to Max about everything and ask him to leave. I'd been getting calls from her so I'm guessing something had happened. I hadn't been answering her calls though because I just couldn't bring myself to speak to her. The temptation to just speak to her though was crazy...

"Okay lads, the Barcelona team has been announced," Kenny Dalglish wandered into the changing room with a sheet of paper. "Pinto starts instead of Valdes; the back four consists of Montoya, Mascherano, Pique and Adriano; the midfielders are Thiago, Busquets and Fabregas and as for the strikers...Messi starts along side Sanchez and Pedro."

A few of the lads groaned once Messi's name was read out. This made me let out a chuckle which was something I hadn't done in a couple of days.

We'd been hoping that Messi would start on the bench today, purely because we didn't want to be given the run around, but I just had this feeling he might start. I mean, come on! It's Messi! He has to play! Worlds best player, hello?

"Hey, Jordan? Are you okay?" Dylan asked with a smile as he sat down next to me.

"Yeah...yeah, I'm good," I exchanged the smile. It was a weak one though.

"Are you psyched to be playing Barcelona at the Nou Camp? I can't believe we'll be playing Messi! And Fabregas! This feels so unreal right now!" Dylan grinned.

"Yeah, just a bit," I said.

"Man, if the guys back at home could see us right now..." Dylan laughed and then looked at me as I sighed. "Shit...sorry, Jordan."

"It's okay," I shrugged. "Had to think about her at some point today."

That was a lie. I thought about her all the time.

"I don't mean to drag you down or anything Jord but, what are you gonna do when you get back home?" he looked at me sincerely this time.

"I honestly have no idea, Dylan," I shrugged. "I'm gonna have to talk to her at some point, might as well do it in person."

Dylan sighed. "I give up with my ass of a sister sometimes..."

"I don't blame her, you know," I stated . "I mean, a relationship is based on trust, right? I respect the fact that she told me what happened. I just wish that...ugh."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," he nodded. "You wish that it wasn't this hard knowing the truth."

"Something like that..." I replied.

I looked over at Aaron who was having a chat with Pepe. I'd not really spoken to him much after what had happened with Bea. In fact, he'd been keeping clear of me when we had free time; I only ever spoke to him on the training pitch or football field nowadays.

"Is Aaron pissed off at me?" I looked at Dylan who rolled his eyes.

"He's being a bit of a nob about all of this," Dylan tutted. "He thinks you're being a little bit harsh on Bea. I wouldn't listen to him though."

Maybe Aaron had a point. I mean, I could at least make an effort to try and speak to Bea. However my emotions were making that a little bit hard to attempt that right now.

"Look man, I wouldn't worry too much. You can sort it out soon. At least let football take your mind off it for now, yeah?" Dylan said.

I nodded and began to change into my gear. It's like nobody understood me at all. This problem wasn't going to go away.

The only person who did understand me was Bea and right now she couldn't help me.

I missed her.

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I always feel so sad when I have to write Jordan being depressed :/ I wanna give him a big ol' cuddle but then I remember that this isn't real and that I don't know him...sigh.

ANYWAY! Before I get too carried away in my daydreams, I need to tell you something important, so listen up Luubears :D

I will be going on my holiday on Monday :) BUT DON'T WORRY! There is an internet connection at where we are staying (praise the lord :3) so that means I will be uploading and stuff still :)

Hopefully taking a small break will allow some more ideas to flow for my Daniel Agger fan fiction and for this story too :) I haven't really written for a couple of days coz I've been ill...which messed with my plans -_- meh, what are you gonna do? It's CFS... By the way, if none of this makes sense, I'm sorry. I'm not completely with it right now. When I get ill I tend to be a bit all over the place with what I write...

Anywho, so I'll probably upload sometime next week. Trust me, it will start to get a lot better!

So, if I don't see you next week that's either because the internet connection we were told about doesn't actually exsist or I've been eaten by seals...

Laters :)

littlekopiteluu xx