Kris was already waiting for Ethan when he stepped out onto the roof. His former lover glanced over his shoulder as he approached, those vivid blue eyes of his drinking him in. Ethan had forgotten what it was like to be looked by this man, his gaze was full of hope and heat as Ethan jammed his hands into the pockets of his quilted jacket. The left side of his mouth quirked up into that boyish smile of his, the one that used to melt Ethan's insides whenever it crossed Kris's features.
"So this is where you come to think?" Kris started, his elbows resting on the safety rail as he stared out across the city skyline. "I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier. You always liked high places, the way they put things in perspective."
Ethan nodded his agreement at the statement, his back was ramrod straight as he surveyed the view in front of him. He wanted to be strong, impervious to Kris's charms but instead he could feel the walls that he had built up starting to crumble as Kris's leather jacket rubbed lightly against his.
"Still do." Ethan said, his lips twitching up into a small smile.
There was a companionable silence between the two of them for a moment. There was a million things that Ethan wanted to say but not one of them would leave his mouth. Being here with Kris, it felt like there was such gulf between them and he hated it, he had hated it back then and he hated it now.
"I don't blame you." Kris began clasping his hands together, lowering his gaze. "You need to know that I don't blame you for leaving."
The apprehension that had been weighting down on Ethan's chest seemed to decrease just a little. That guilt that ate him inside wasn't as agonizing now that Kris had spoken.
"I know it weighs on you." Kris murmured, twisting so that he could review the profile of Ethan's handsome features. "It's the type of man you are."
"It does." Ethan admitted quietly. "You are not the only one who had his demons to deal with."
Kris inhaled deeply at the revelation, an anguish building in his chest at the knowledge that Ethan been afflicted the same way. He had leaned on him too much, he had known that at the time but Ethan had been a blissful safe haven from the horrors that plagued him.
"Ethan..." he whispered, his heart going out to his former lover.
"You were suffering." Ethan said frankly, inclining his head towards Kris. "How could you have known?"
"Love..." Kris murmured affectionately, his palm lightly rubbing up and down Ethan's arm in that familiar consoling manner. "I wish I could have been here to help."
"I got help." Ethan stated glancing at Kris wistfully. "And I see you did too."
"Yes. When you left..." Kris said, removing his hand from Ethan's jacket. "...it gave me the courage to get the help I needed."
He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat, he had a lot to make up for. Too much. Could he ask Ethan to forgive him? No. But he could try to rectify it in the best way he knew how. The two of them could start over again, he wanted that more than anything. Letting Ethan go had been one of the biggest mistakes of his life, losing himself in such a manner, allowing the PTSD to take over and control him the way it had had destroyed the two of them. Nothing in the world could express how sorry he was about that.
"It killed me, what I did to you." Kris said, tilting his head away ashamed, his hands came to rest upon the safety rail as he hunched over it as if in physical pain."That I hurt you like that..."
Ethan withdrew his hands from his pockets, his right hand covering Kris's, his fingers running over those scarred knuckles delicately. It was a sense of unity that Kris needed and Ethan couldn't help but give into that urge.
"You weren't in control." Ethan asserted as Kris leaned into him.
Their faces were inches apart and Kris could feel that familiar feeling stirring deep down inside of him. It was a slow burn, one that was still kindled after all this time and he found his gaze lowering to Ethan's lips. That fire was alive and it was fervent, it made Kris remember the nights he spent wrapped up inside of Ethan, the two of them moving in unison as he drove the other man to completion. The way his name had rolled off the other man's lips when he climaxed, that sound...
Jesus he wanted to hear that sound again.
He wanted Ethan in his bed, underneath him as they made love, whispering beautiful dirty words into his ear. There was so much time he needed to make up for, too much but he was here now and he was ready to make amends.
"I am now." Kris breathed, his lips caressing Ethan's with the most tender of kisses.
The world was falling away, Kris could feel his heart singing as his fingers threaded through Ethan's dark hair, drawing him closer. Ethan stiffened in surprise, his firm hands grasping his ex lover's shoulders and propelling him backwards.
"No." Ethan said resolutely, using the back of his hand to wipe across his lips.
"I'm sorry Ethan." Kris whispered, his eyebrows creasing in confusion as he studied the other man. "I thought..."
"There's someone else Kris." Ethan told him frankly, jamming his hands back into the pockets of his black quilted jacket.
Kris crossed his arms over his chest, sucking in a deep breath in an attempt to fortify himself. He had been a fool to imagine that there would be no one for Ethan in their time apart. If it was casual he could wait, if it was more...
"Do you love him?" Kris said abruptly, his blue eyes searching Ethan's handsome features for the answer.
"Does it matter?" Ethan sighed, tilting his head back towards the skyline. His jaw was clenched, Kris could see the muscle in his cheek twitching as he stared across the rooftops.
"Yes." Kris told him honestly. "To me it does."
He already knew the answer, he could see it in Ethan as clear as day but he needed to hear the words. It would be the only way he could accept that it was over.
"Yes." Ethan revealed, meeting Kris's vibrant blue eyes forcefully. There was a finality in his tone, one that he made sure that Kris could not misunderstand as he spoke. "I've never loved anyone the way I love him."
