The New Guy

Why

Braden quickly ran out of the room, and came back a moment later with bandages, and a towel.

I closed my eyes as he wrapped my wrists in the towel and held it there.

"Braden..."

"Shhh. I'm here."

A tear streaked down my cheek, and he wiped it away gently.

"No. I just don't get it. Why?" I asked.

I buried my head into his chest, but didn't cry.

"One for each of you, and the biggest for me. Straight down the middle. One for Colby. One for my mom. One for my dad. One for each of my brothers. One for Jake, for being so kind to fucked up me. One for Adrian. One for you, for loving me, even though I'm screwed up. One for the music. One for the show. I don't even make sense anymore."

I took a deep breath, and looked into his eyes, which were staring down into mine with sympathy, kindness, and full of love.

"Let's get you some sleep, love. You want me to sing to you? I'll go get the guitar. Change into some pajamas." He left, and I put on a SayWeCanFly oversized shirt, and some grey shorts, and climbed into bed.

He came back in, and sat on the bed next to me.

"What song do you want?" He asked.

I thought for a moment.

"Scars."

So he sang to me quietly, and I closed my eyes, and fell asleep to sound of his voice, and dreamed of a world, where I was happy, with my family, and friends, and Braden, Adrian, Jake, and Colby all got along. Where I was never depressed, or suicidal, or sad.

But that world isn't real, is it?

I not only can't have it all, but I can't have anything, can I?

I don't deserve it.

I woke up, gasping for breaths, and looked at my clock. 

1:00 am

Standing, I quietly went out to the yard, where it was raining.

I sat down in the wet grass, and looked up to the sky.

"Why?" I whispered.

Sitting back up, I began to sing quietly. "Those scars on your wrist are the mark of the world. An ocean that's left you so torn. But remember the heart you brought into this world. The same one as when you were born." I sang until the chorus, then stood and looked to the sky.

"How confused you must be, finding love in the blood that you bleed. But the truth is that I see, why you say it's hard to be me. And we all make mistakes. It's not you but this world you should hate. You're as beautiful as you were... yesterday." I whispered that last line, and closed my eyes, hair drenched, and smiled for real, for the first time in a long time.

All because of Braden.