Forest of the Angels

Guilt changes you

Once the plan was explained, Rachel felt a spark of hope in her heart. "Why don't we stop them in the past? If they're gone, then no one will ever be taken. We won't have gone into the woods and then Jess will still be alive." Rachel's face lit up, only to fall slightly. Sam had dropped his head, Dean wouldn't meet her gaze and Cas shifted on his feet. "We are bringing back Jess, right?"

"Rachel..." Ellie gripped Rachel's shaking hand in hers, not looking into her tearful eyes. "You read the letter." She continued with care, tiptoeing through a minefield. Gulping, Rachel nodded vigorously. "Jess was your grandmother, and her own grandmother, your whole family and your future descendants will cease to exist. We'll create a paradox that could destroy so much more than the angels."

"So?" Rachel choked, her flame of hope not only extinguished, but the kindling smashed to shards which were painfully embedded deep within her heart.

Dean patted her shoulder gently. "Rachel, I know this is hard-"

"Hard." Echoed Rachel. "Jess is the closest I have to a little sister. She's my responsibility, and now you're telling my I have to leave her behind to die." She turned to face him, furious. "Could you forgive yourself if you had to leave Sam in the past."

Dean decided it was best to stay silent as Rachel shoved past him to get some air outside. Cas began to follow her, but Sam kicked his shin, throwing him a meaningful glare. Understanding, Cas stepped aside as Ellie shuffled out the door.

~~~~~~~

Rachel dug her heels into the thick mud, scraping them through the grit. Oblivious to Ellie's soft footsteps as they pattered across the gravel, Rachel sank to the ground and beat the sharp stones until her fists were bloody. She jerked when Ellie placed her hand on her shoulder.

"I don't think I can do this El" she sniffed, her voice hoarse. Since when had she been crying? She thought to herself. "You're strong and you can cope – I need you and Jess. I don't think I'm ready to lose either of you"

Ellie bit her lip and kneeled next to her, sifting through the dirt. She glanced to see Cas peering out the window. Sighing, she wrapped her arm around Rachel. "I'm not strong" she murmured, barely audible above the soft rustle of the leaves in the mild breeze.

"What was that?" Rachel replied.

Ellie thought for a moment. Seeing Rachel's empty gaze, she thought that her problems would just be a burden, Rachel had her own issues right now. "Of course you're strong" Ellie gave her a small smile, hugging her tighter. "You're coping right now. You're dealing pretty well with the fact that monsters exist; you had one of the darkest creations festering inside you, it's fine to be fucking terrified, you nearly died."

"Yeah" muttered Rachel "And whose fault was that?"

Ellie lightly whacked Rachel's arm. "We all agreed to go to the house, none of us knew. It's not a well-known fact that angel statues are alive and can climb into your soul."

"Jess-"

"Don't you dare." Hissed Ellie.

"It hurts-"

"Of course it hurts. You lost someone, that's something that never gets better; it burns until you're just numb. It is going to be hard, seeing her and not saving her, but we'll have a chance to say goodbye. Don't ever blame yourself." She patted Rachel's chest softly. "This is survivor's guilt; you think it should be you, that you should replace her. You can't, I'm so sorry but please, this isn't what Jess wanted, she knows we tried and she's happy for us."

Rachel only nodded, admiring the salmon pink sky as the sun burnt amber on the horizon. She allowed Ellie to lift her off the ground and pull her to their battered car. She didn't ask where they were going as they drove down the silent road. Twisted trees shivered above them, the trunks casting elongated shadows which danced on the ground. Gravel crunched beneath the worn tires as they pulled into a car park. Realising where they were, Rachel's sulky face lit up to a bright grin.