Unedited

~Midnight Memories~

Hey there stranger, 

It's been awhile since I've sat here and talked to you. I'm laying here in bed as thoughts flood my mind. I realized that we go through life racking up memories from our perspective always. We know exactly what we saw and exactly what we thought and what we were feeling in those moments. It hasn't really occurred to me that we never ever know what is going on in someone else's mind and I guess that fascinates me. We always infer what others are thinking by their actions but we will never know for sure if we are right. Today I was talking to someone and I asked what was the first thing you thought when we started talking. Their response was "why is she talking to me. Does she like me?" I found that very interesting for I would have never known that. I know the exact moment when we did start talking and now I know exactly what was going through each other's minds. It's pretty funny in a way because this person sort of guessed the future but I can tell that the events that have happened recently is,  something neither of us saw coming. I started to think about some other not so nice and sweet things that have happened recently that still hits me hard. A person once told me, my ex actually, told me "I aspire to be in love with this person but I don't know if I will ever get the chance because I fucked it up really badly." That person happened to be me, and the event happened to be about 2 months ago when he told me he still had feelings and we started talking again. You're probably reading this thinking, you're a real idiot and I guess I am but I was blinded by the second chance I had got and how lucky I was...I really did like him, even that's an understatement. But, recently I found out that everything that was said, every late night conversation was a lie, a facade if you will. I was being used. Every single memory I have, every single happy moment, it was an act to get something from me. When I didn't give in as easily as he had thought I would, he called it a defeat and realized his wrongdoing. I had questioned if what was happening was real but at first, he denied it saying it was all real. Hearing those words of his intentions cut deep like knives. I never wanted to hear it from him but it was the truth. The fact that he was so close to getting what he wanted on many occasions hurts even more. I can't stop replaying the amazing memories but then have them be tainted knowing what was going through his head. I guess having that gift of knowing what others are thinking after the fact is a blessing and a curse that will haunt you forever. There's not a day that I don't somehow drift off and replay my memories like movies. I try to hold on to the happiness of the good parts before someone changes the channel and brings me back to reality, but I guess that's the downside of daydreaming...it's never as real as you would like it to be. 

I guess I'll salvage the thoughts and feelings of these midnight memories.

Love,

Yours truly :/