In the Club

CHAPTER 5

Ungjae POV

           I had been stressing so much over what was going on with Taeho. I had been losing sleep over it. I would stay up late, thinking about all that I'd done wrong. Thinking about what I could change or what I could have done differently. It haunted me. I could feel it taking a toll on myself in practices and during recordings.
           Then, suddenly one day during a recording session for our new album Taeho started acting weird. At first he started by leaning over me. Putting his neck and chest very close to my face. I could smell his cologne. When I looked over to him, he was so close, looking at me. His eyes felt like they were borring into me. It stopped breathing for a moment. I had to tell myself to breathe again.  
He was being so oddly friendly. He was talking to me and laughing. Almost like nothing had ever happened that night at the club.
When he wanted to go to the club again I tried to get out of it but the rest of the group was going. I figured nothing could go wrong if we were going as the whole group. So I agreed.
Once we were getting ready to leave the apartment I was choosing my jacket and I couldn't decide between the red leather jacket and the grey long one. I chose the red one hoping to give myself some good mojo.  Boy was I wrong.
At the restaurant it was almost like nothing had happened between us. When he put his hand on my thigh I thought I was going to have a heart attack right then and there. Then he let it fall off. And I could feel my heart start back up again.
We were almost back to being our same old best friends. I remember that he had been giving me a lot of alcohol and I was so happy he was talking to me that I just kept drinking. I couldn't help but have a good time.
When they suggested that we go to the club I knew that I should have gone home. But I didn't know if I would wake up tomorrow with Taeho ignoring me again. I wanted to spend time with him. I wanted to be best friends again.
As we arrived at the club and Taeho almost dragged me to the dance floor. I let him. Let's dance and have fun I thought. When was I going to get this chance again? Dancing with him was the best I felt in weeks. The music, and the bodies dancing around us. But it felt like Taeho were in our own world.
As he stared into my eyes I knew I might go to hell if he ever heard my thoughts at that moment but I almost couldn't care. That is until he grabbed fists of my jacket. What had he been thinking? When he pulled me closer, all I could think was 'He doesn't really want this.'
So I turned my head.
I turned my head and I hugged him instead. I felt I couldn't jeopardize my friendship with him. He pushed me away, hard. I immediately regretted my action as soon as I saw his face. His face looked hurt. He looked embarrassed and betrayed.
Suddenly I knew he had meant to kiss me. With all those people around I knew that I wanted to kiss him too. As I reached out to grab him he ran away through the crowd.
And that's where I stayed for a minute. Frozen, processing everything that just happened.
I can't believe that just happened. My dreams basically came true and I turned away. I had to find him. I had to explain.
Quickly I push through the crowd till I see Jian. "Hey, did you see Taeho come past here?"
"Yeah he went outside, he was looking pretty flushed. You look pretty flushed as well."
I bet I did. "I'm going to step outside too."
My mind is still reeling a little. Had Taeho actually tried to kiss me? I look back and remember him roughly grabbing my jacket before closing his eyes and puckering his lips. Yeah, he meant to kiss me. What had brought all this on? Last thing I thought he was mad at me for kissing him, and now he's trying to kiss me. It doesn't make any sense!
Maybe if I can just find him at talk to him, we can both be open and talk about what was happening between us. And, maybe, I could be honest about my feelings.
I have to go after him. I force my legs to move one foot at a time. What was he thinking? What is he thinking now? If he really liked me did he know how much I liked him? I have to tell him. My heart beats faster at the thought.
I start to walk out but go back to say something to Jian, "If we don't come back soon just leave without us we might go on a walk. Don't worry."
I jog out into the cold looking both left and right. I didn't see anyone.
I let my hands run through my hair. How could I have done something so stupid? How am I supposed to fix this now?
I start walking, he has to have gone somewhere and I need to find him. But where did he go?
I feel tears brimming at my eyes. I am just so frustrated. Why didn't I just kiss him? Why did I have to turn away? This is all my fault. I suddenly have the urge to punch something but I resist. Instead I wrap my hands around my neck. I have to find him.
I searched and I searched till my fingers went numb. But I couldn't find him. I even called his phone Almost 100 times. It just kept going to voicemails.
It wasn't ‪until 4 am‬ that I finally headed back to the dorm. My legs were frozen and I was exhausted. I must have walked the entire city twice.
But even when I got to the apartment I couldn't sleep. I just played the night over and over.
Taeho didn't return home.
——————•••——————
            In the morning I could hear everyone getting up and getting ready for the day. I turned over toward the wall. I didn't really want to talk to anyone. Anyone other than Taeho, and Taeho wasn't here.
            No one bothered me. But soon I had to get up. We have practice soon and I have to be there. But so does Taeho. I might be able to talk to him while I am there. I hurry and jump out of bed.
            As I get to the studio I take a deep breath and decide what I need to do. But when I walk in he isn't there.
            "Hey, have any of you guys seen Taeho?" I question.
            "We thought that you would know where he was, none of us have seen him since last night." Jeup said.
            My hands are wringing each other. If he didn't come home and no one still knows where he is, I hope that he is okay.
            "Has anyone tried calling his cell?" I ask.
            "Yeah but it just keeps going to voicemail." Sang looks away from the mirror.
            "Well, I bet he is fine. He knows how to take care of himself. If he doesn't come to practice then we can worry about where he is and if he is okay." Jian collects us all and moves us into our spots. "Ready?"
            Taeho finally showed up thirty minutes into practice. He was still wearing his clothes from last night. He quietly put down his stuff and walked to his spot next to me.
            "Taeho can we talk?" I am nervous.
            "No," he turns away from me to Jian. "Sorry I am late, I had something happen." He refuses to look at me.
            "Alright well we are glad you are safe." Jian smiles. "Let's get going with practice. We can all talk later."
            I keep staring at Taeho but he starts dancing without even sparing a glance at me. My heart feels like it is breaking all over again. I keep doing stuff that screws up my relationship with Taeho. I was the problem. But I had to try to fix it.
            "Is it just me or is everyone acting really awkward?" said Sang.
            Jeup lightly hits him on the back and gives him a strong look, probably to shut up.
            Once practice finished up I hurried to make sure I followed Taeho out. As everyone headed down stairs to leave I grabbed his arm and held him back. Once they had all left I pulled him up the stairs and onto the roof.
            "Hey, Hey! Let go of me Ungjae." Taeho tried to get his arm loose.
            "No! I am done letting you not listen to what I have to say. Now I need you to listen." Suddenly I am having doubts. What if I am just imagining the whole thing and he didn't mean to kiss me?
            He tries to walk past me. But we needed to talk for good or for bad. So I take him by the arms and press him against the wall. I put both of my arms on either side of him.
            "Just listen to me for a moment." I take a deep breath, it's now or never. "What happened last night? Nevermind last night, what happened the past couple weeks?"
His voice is calm, "I don't know what you're talking about."
"What do you mean? You don't remember ignoring me for weeks then suddenly yesterday you want to be my best friend again. You were acting like nothing happened then too! You don't remember what happened at the club?" I can hear my voice getting steadily louder. I try to be quieter. I don't mean to yell at him.
"You don't remember trying to kiss me last night?" I ask.
I could see it in his eyes. He remembered.
"You must be mistaken. Why would I kiss you?" His voice is cold. He turns his face away from me.
My hands fall from the wall. What was he saying?
Suddenly I feel angry with him. "I know what happened! You can't lie to me!" I shout. I punch the wall next to him. I can feel the skin break and the blood start to pour out. I'm so emotional. I can feel the tears coming but I hold them back. I have something I need to say to him.
His face is still turned away from me.
I take a deep breath then speak quietly, "I like you, Taeho. I like you a lot. You make my heart beat faster and I can't concentrate with you around. Your smile brightens my day, your touch sends shivers down my spine." The words tumble out of my mouth.
He turns quickly to look at me with his mouth agape.
"Then why did you turn away?" He questions.
"Because I thought you would have wanted me to!" I let the tears pour out. All of my anger at him for ignoring me for so long, my sorrow at his rejection of me, my hurt at being the reason we weren't talking, and my confusion over him. It all broke free like a damn.
"You got so upset the first time when I kissed you that all I could think was you'd leave to another country if I let it happen again! You didn't talk to me for weeks! Weeks, Taeho! And all I did was let what happened eat at me and consume me!"
"I hated myself because I loved you!" I shout. I can feel my chest rising and falling heavily. Tears ran down my face.
He is silent. I wait for him to say anything. Anything at all.
After a minute, he turned towards the door.
I throw out my arm to stop him. But he shrugs past it and starts walking to the door.
Am I really going to let him walk away? If I do I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
I walk after him and as his hand is almost to the door, I turn him around. I grab his arm and thread one of my hands in his hair. And I am kissing him. I am kissing him with all my being. With all my love for him. My hand on his arm grabs his waist and pulls him closer as I deepen the kiss.
I can feel our bodies pressed together, his hands are on my chest. I slowly break off the kiss and lean my forehead on his. We stay that way for a moment. Our breathing is ragged.
I feel his hands grab my shirt and he pushes at me lightly. But I can't let him out of my arms.
"I need time to think." His eyes stare into mine, I can see his face is reddening.
"No," I shake my head. "Last time you said that you almost never talked to me again. I'm not letting go of you."
"Please, you might know your feelings but I don't, all of this is so new to me. Please I need time to think. I need to clear my head." He looks desperately up at me. Then he reaches to grab my hand from his waist and clasps it in both of his hands.
I can feel my chest tighten and I am afraid. I hold his hand tighter. "How do I know if I let you go you won't run away from me and ignore me again?" I ask.
"I will meet you here tomorrow at 7 o'clock. Okay?" He smiles at me.
Deep breaths I tell myself. "Okay, tomorrow at 7. " I let go of him. As he walks away my hand drops from his.
I watch him walk out the door and out of sight.