In the Club

CHAPTER 6

Taeho POV

          As I walk out the door to the roof I feel like I can finally take a breath. What had just happened back there? I run my hands through my hair and quickly take a couple deep breaths. I wanted this, I had tried to kiss him only last night. So why was my heart beating so fast and why couldn't I catch my breath? Was this how I was supposed to feel? I need some air. I am fanning my face. I feel flushed. Go outside. Maybe that will help me breathe.
             I start to almost sprint down the stairs. Down to the outside, to fresh air, to the open spaces; as I burst out the front doors I can't stop running. Farther, farther, I didn't know what I was running from or to. I just needed to breathe. I needed my head to stop spinning, I needed my heart to stop racing. I just needed peace.
           I finally have to stop running to catch my breath. I probably looked crazy to everyone else. Running like a bat out of hell. I comb my hands through my hair and pound my fist on my chest a couple times. Like I could force my heart to beat to the rhythm I wanted rather than at the crazy speed it was currently going.
            I finally looked around and realized I didn't recognize where I was. I was in a part of town that I had never been before. I looked to my right and there was a noodle restaurant. Food, yes food always helps. As I entered I got a call from Jian.
           "Hey I was hoping you would return to the dorm, can we meet and talk?"
           "Uh, yeah. I am actually not sure of where I am, let me send you my location and we can see if I haven't totally fallen off the end of the earth. I'm in a noodle restaurant."
          "Okay, I'll be there soon." He hangs up.
I wonder what it was Jian wanted to talk to me about. He didn't really say on the phone so it could be anything.
           My thoughts drifted back to Ungjae. I keep replaying what happened on the roof in my head. I remember last night I had been so upset at myself and him. I had convinced myself that it was all in my head. That he was as embarrassed to have kissed me as I had been in the beginning. I had told myself that the best thing for the both of us was to forget that any of it had happened at all.
          I told myself that even when I saw his tired face at practice and when he pulled me upstairs. I told myself he didn't have the same feelings I was having. He didn't like me like that. I told myself that of course every time I had made advances yesterday he had frozen up, it was because he didn't want me like that. I told myself that he just wanted to tell me how much I had screwed up.
           When he pressed me to the wall I could feel my heart flutter involuntarily.  But Ungjae wasn't going to give up. I had to deny, deny, and deny my feelings. But as he spoke to me I couldn't help but hear the emotions that he was trying to convey. His words shocked me so much. My entire being felt it.
           I did that to him? Was all this my fault? My brain had felt thick, like I was swimming in jello. All my emotions were clouded around me. Pressing in on me. What if this was all some big prank, I had thought. He might feel that way he might not. Either way I needed to leave right then before my emotions suffocated me. I pushed past him and I thought he was just going to let me go.
           But I felt his hand on my arm. He turned me around and he kissed me.
          That's when the dam that I was holding on my emotions broke. I lost control of them and I didn't care. All I cared about was the man who was kissing and holding me. It was everything. I felt how much I liked him with every fiber of my being. But too soon he pulled away.
          Now I had to process all the emotions I had been keeping at bay. I really had to escape this time.
         I am pulled out of my memories when Jian sits in front of me.
        "Can I get the back bean noodles please!" he yells to the waitress.
        "Hey, so what did you want to talk to me about?" I am curious.
        "About your behavior these past couple weeks. What is going on with you and Ungjae? Yesterday was the first normal day in 2 or 3 weeks and then today you were right back to being cold to him. Is there something I should know about? Maybe something that you forgot to tell me?" he wants an explanation but I didn't really have one to give him.
          "Uh, yeah about that." I take a deep breath. Should I tell him? Would that be weird?  "He and I are talking things out. If things don't get, uh, better then you can ask me again. But right now we are still figuring some things out." I look at him and hope that he will let me drop the subject.
          "Tell me this, is it about a girl? Cause I never would have thought you two would fight over a girl." He laughs.
          I breathe a sigh of relief. "No it's not about a girl." I wish.
         "Is it about something that could jeopardize the team?"
         I hadn't thought about that, "Yeah I guess it might be." I look away from Jian.
        "I'm sure whatever it is between you two it can't be that bad and you guys can solve it. But first you have to actually talk with Ungjae about it." He gave me a meaningful look.
        "Yes, we are going to talk. Don't worry. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow night."
         Our food arrived. "Okay. Good. Let's eat then."
        He didn't speak to me much after that. He mostly just ate his food and left me to my own emotions. Those of which I was still trying to harness.
        "Hey I am going to get going. Don't stay out all night again, Okay?" he looks pointedly at me.
         I nod back, still lost in my thoughts. He pats me on the back as he leaves.
         I look at my watch. Was it already that late? I should head back to the dorm as well and sleep. But I knew even if I were to head back I wouldn't be able to sleep. Might as well go to the studio. Maybe I can dance till I am exhausted and then sleep. I would deal with all that was happening with Ungjae tomorrow.
          As I weave my way back to the company I realize how far I had run earlier.
           When I get to the studio I turn on the music and I dance. I dance for hours and hours. I let my body work without my brain. I turn my brain off. I need time where my emotions weren't threatening to drown me.
           Finally what feels like days later I collapse in the middle of the floor. I look over at the clock. One hour till sunrise. I did it. I worked until I could sleep. I close my eyes.

                 —————•••—————–

            When I wake I forgot that I had fallen asleep in the studio. Someone had placed my coat on top of me as well as a sweater under my head for a pillow. As I unfolded it I regognized it as Ungjae's. So he had been here while I was sleeping. I look at the clock. I had to rub my eyes. That couldn't be the time could it? Was it already 5:30? I guess that's what I get after not sleeping for two days in a row. But now I had no time to think. I guess there is no time like the present.
            Okay a couple questions I should ask myself. How did I feel about Ungjae? What was I going to do? How would this effect the team? I guess I had a lot more questions but these were the biggest ones.
            How did I feel about Ungjae? It was almost like I was feeling every emotion in the book. But the biggest emotion was fear. I was scared of the unknown. And everything about what happened with Ungjae felt unknown. I knew what I felt for him stretched past the realm of friends. But how far past was unknown. What would happen if I told Ungjae my feelings? Would we be together, like a couple?
           What was I going to do? Should o tell Ungjae how I felt? How would we have a relationship? I knew how I felt and I knew how he felt but it wasn't that simple.
            How would this effect the rest of the team? We would have to tell the rest of the team. What if they didn't like us dating? Or what if us being together was bad publicity for the group and Imfact suffered because of it? Our group was already struggling to be recognized as it was. Would two members together make our group fail? I don't know if I could do that to everyone else.
           But could I live with Ungjae as just friends after everything that happened? I know I couldn't live without him but I don't know if I could live with him as just friends or if our relationship would tear our group apart.
          When I thought about not being with Ungjae there was a aching in my heart almost to the point of pain. I think I might love this man.
          As I thought about everything it became clearer and clearer what I need to do and what I should tell Ungjae.
Looking up at the clock I realized it was just on time and I should head up to the roof.
         I take a deep breath before I take my first step.
         My first step to the future.