Dear whoever is reading my feelings, I honestly dont know the point of living anymore.
WHY: I dont know why I even try anymore. I dont know why I stop myself from things I want to do. I dont know why I screw everything up. I dont know why I am still loved, I am a screw up and I mess up everything, and I dont know why.
WHY I COULDNT STOP MYSELF: I think yesterday, I was sitting next to her (my ex) on a bench and we were close to eachother even though there was a whole other side to the bench I just wanted to be close to her. I though I could go the whole recess with out holding her hand, but when the bell rang, I moved my hand on hers, and we held hands. I didnt want to hold back anymore, I wanted to do what I wanted. And I had been wishing at every 11:11 for her to hold my hand, I even prayed to god (which I dont believe in) that she would hold my hand. I wished and I wished. For a month straight, but it didnt happen, so I had to build up the courage to do so. And I did. And I admit, it kind of made me upset that I did that, but then it made me happy.
HER: Sometimes I dont want to follow the rules anymore and I just want to kiss her. But I cant. Sometimes I look at her eyes and I wonder: "Where did I go wrong? When did I lose [her]." And her smile makes me happy, I dont know how but it does. And to see her sad, breaks my heart. All I want, I cant have. And I hate that.
-KYLE
