Sorry I have inactive. I have been busy stressing about life. And that is where Wattpad comes in and saves the day, I can talk about anything, and people wont judge, well at least some of the people that read this.
At school my class had to have classes with the councilor, Mrs. A. I thought it would be a safe place to share my struggles since I had to write on a sticky note one of my struggles or challenges, and stick it on the board. I wrote: "My family doesn't accept me." I didnt know that I was going to get made fun of for putting in on the board. Marcelo saw me stick the note on the board and got up and read it. He started laughing and said: "What the hell, How does your family not accept you?" He was still laughing and I put my head down on my desk and I started crying, I feel like I cry too much, I feel like a crybaby. I hate myself. I hate Marcelo.
Today at recess it took all of me to not hold my exes hand. I almost held her hand like 50 times. UGH. I hate that I cant just hold her when I want too.
I hate that I cant just be me. I hate that I cant do what I want. I hate that I cant be with my ex, no matter how much I want to, or how many times I wish for her to be mine at 11:11, but it never works.
I hate that I'm jealous of my friend's relationship. I hate that I'm sensitive. I hate that I'm trans. I hate that I hate myself. I hate that I am jealous of all the boys at school. Last of all I hate that I have to be controlled by stupid adults who think they know everything.
LUNCH AIDS: If you dont know what a lunch aid is, its a person who watches students at recess. One of my least favorite rules is: You have to keep your hands to yourself. I dont wanna hit anybody, I just wanna have freedom to be able to use someone as an arm rest and not get in trouble. I want to have the freedom to rest my head on my boy bestfriend when we are both tired and bored. I want to have the freedom to do what I want.
FRIENDS: I love my friends but to be honest I only act a certain way around them to be cool. The only person I feel like I dont have to act that way around is Miranda. I feel like I dont have to act cool, I dont have to act happy. I dont like that my friends mostly only talk about people fucking people, and stuff related to that. I hate that I have to say all that weird stuff, I never really talk how I talk in front of friends.
I dont really know what to title this. I feel like doing what I want. But what I want to do, isn't appropriate for school. I just want to kiss her, hold her hand, call her my girlfriend, but I cant because life hates me. Life made me lose everything, and that's why my cousin in traumatized and different. Its life's fault that I was made me. I hate that I have no control over what I get to do. Its always: "Do this before you can do that." I always say under my breathe: "No." But do it anyway. I just feel like giving up. I dont want to do anything anymore. I want to do stuff, but what I want to do, I cant do. What I want, I cant have, what I need, I cant have, and it sucks.
-KYLE
