Seven Weeks, Four Women

Chapter two - Day six

I am reduced to writing in my diary, with a pen and paper today, like some kind of Luddite cave dwelling beast. I'm so fucking fat and stupid and clumsy that I spilt a bottle of coke on my laptop yesterday and it is no longer working. But I need to write. I need to escape from the confines of this flat, release myself somehow from the drudgery and morosely familiar décor of my childhood home.

When mum died, they let me keep it, the council that is and even gave me a grant to decorate. But all of those tins of paint and brushes require the type of energy and motivation I just don't have.

    
My laptop being broken has made me go into screen saver a bit. I feel cut off from the world and alone. Up until the unfortunate accident with the coke though, I had found out some interesting bits of information on Princess Bee and lover boy Bev's early courtship, a few interesting little snippets between Sharon and her therapist and Elise, poor Elise, I had no idea.

Facebook message from Abeenah Hussein to Bev Emery 14th Jan 2012 11:09

[I don't know what to say Bev, I have never had sexual relations with anyone other than my husband. It wasn't me rejecting you but you need to give me time...]

Facebook message from Abeenah Hussein to Bev Emery 16th February 2012 17:04

[I have no words Bev, you are so eloquent and brave with your expressions. I feel like an entirely new woman. You have warmed parts of me that I never knew could feel warm. I too am intoxicated, as you say. I am very eager to spend a night with you again also and no, not just for the physical aspect of our union... I feel alive and better and just more able to be me in your presence.

Jaz has confirmed he is away to see his brother next Thursday evening, so shall we meet then? Can we wait until then? Ha-ha, you make me feel like I would imagine teenagers do. Although I never felt like this as a teenager or a grown woman for that matter  Thank you for switching a light back on.

Love Abeenah xxx]

Facebook message from Bev Emery to Abeenah Hussein 16th February 2012 17:14

[The hotel is booked, same suite my sweet lady. Where have you been all my life Honey Bee?

B x]

Email from Sharon Johnson to Dr Rav Parheed 19th June 2012 21:45

[Hey Rav,

I am struggling a bit today and thought I'd write to you as a way to work through it in my head...as you suggested in our last meeting. It is the 20th anniversary of me telling my parents, of coming out to them about my feelings around my true gender and I just feel so alone. I think it is impacted further by the meeting (the support for women of colour group meeting that I facilitate) two nights ago.  As you are aware, I haven't felt able to come out and tell them, as in many areas of my life I suppose, this aspect of my identity is hidden. I think, I thought that just coming out on day one, asserting that aspect of my identity would be too brash and that I needed to build up to it. I remember you suggesting that perhaps it would get harder as time went along and much as I didn't want to accept that, I think you were right. My decision was based totally on the rejection I felt from my parents all those years ago. That still hurts so much, which is probably evident as I rarely want to discuss them, that period in my life with you. They saw me as an attention seeker and a fake and the women at the group seem to view me like that too, they call me coconut for Christ's sake! When my heritage, my sense of being black, is about the only aspect of my identity that I feel I was born into correctly.

Sorry, there is no need to reply, just needed to express.

Yours gratefully, as always

Sharon x]

Email from Sharon Johnson to Rav Parheed 21st June 2012 19:52

[Thanks for your reply Rav, it means a lot to feel your presence and support, albeit it from afar and virtual. You are quite right, of course, I need to be trying to talk these things through more in our sessions, I just find it so hard to fully open up, still, after all these years and no, that is nothing to do with you, it's me, I just feel so locked down.

In answer to your question, no...I still have not told Alex that I am Trans. I have been delaying us sleeping together under the guise that I want to wait until the time is right. I do see this as a theme in my life and one that I need to break free from but how do I do that when I constantly expect rejection and ultimately fear it more than anything else in the world?

I will see you tomorrow at 630pm. I hope we can pick up from these messages too. Please do prompt me though if I am unwilling to start 

Yours feeling much more positive (thank you)

Sharon x]

Facebook message from Elise Boggan to Duggan Peters 19th June 2012 23:11

[Hey Dog,

Tomorrow night is a no go bruv, Lil' Man is sick again and he needs me at home

L x]

Facebook message from Duggan Peters to Elise Boggan 19th June 2012 23:49

[Lise babe, you can't keep letting me down like this. You don't turn up 2moro night and that's it love, no more work for you, I've had enough of your shit. It's your own fucking fault u got knocked, ya get me? If u choose to fuck the customers, that's your business, no one elses, you here to dance and LOOK fuckable, end of - that's what we pay you for. Your lucky management let you come back to work after that. And while we on the subject of you looking fuckable, well,  that tit job you got don't disguise the fact that lil' man been sucking them dry. Pull em up or hang it up Lise, your choice.

Dog]