Ficlet prompt: Would you love me the same? Will your love ever change?
When the lights start to dim, will you still hold my hand?
If the world fell apart, would I still have your heart?
- Love me the same, Jessica Jung
To say I'm scared shitless is an understatement.
"Hindi ko na ata kayang iwasan e," he sighed and he put his hand to his pockets. The orbs of his eyes is sucking me deep, it's very passionate than I've ever seen. Almost begging. I looked away. It's too much. I can't handle his stares. I'm caught red-handed.
Mahal nya daw ako. My boyfriend, Remus Ygnacio, confessed right before me that he loves me.
Oh, you might ask, why am I panicking when it's only my boyfriend? It's normal.
Well, in our case, it's not. He is, let's say, my pretend boyfriend. Everyone else just assumed that we're in a relationship but we both know we're not. It just so happened that we needed each other to get off our family onto our backs. I was really surprised that my father agreed but hey, atleast I have the freedom I want now here in Manila.
Kanina, maayos naman eh. It was one of our lazy days after the whole month of being busy with both of our thesis and school stuffs. We didn't travel like we always do and we both agreed to watch the re-runs of Friends on Netflix. We were both pigging out and laughing like it's the end of the world. We're each other's bestfriends and I'm contented.
What he does not know I love him.
And I've got reasons as to why I don't want to confess.
Unang-una, guilty pa rin ako kase iniwan nya ang jowa nya when his parents wanted me to be his girl.
Pangalawa, I don't deserve to be his girlfriend cause he's perfect and everything that I'm not
Pangatlo, I want to be independent, without him and I want to move on from him
Ayoko talaga sanang mahulog sa kanya pero may magagawa ba 'ko. Feelings will always mess it up for you.
Tapos heto ngayon, imagine my surprise. He decided to go his condo, tagging me along. I sensed that he'd take me to the rooftop because we both like looking at the city lights. Scratch that- I love it more. I love the feeling of the night breeze and the city lights of Manila. It reminds of countries with busy cities that I really want to go to na very Instagram-like. Then after bringing me there, he looked very agitated. Nung lumingon ako, he held my hand and blurted that he loves me. Of course, me, was shocked with the sudden spiel. Nyeta, anong kalokohan to? Di ako ready. I removed his hand and very classy, tumunganga lang ako sa kanya dahil nagloko ata yung daloy ng utak ko. Ayaw mag-register.
So triple shit, what now?
Hindi na ata normal ang pagtibok ng puso ko. Never pakong kinabahan ng ganito. Parang kelan lang kinabahan ako ng bongga nung ginisa yung thesis namin sa defense ah?
I laughed nervously. "Sigurado ka? Baka nalilito ka lang dahil ako lagi ang kasama mo."
He smiled sadly and chuckled. "Siguradong-sigurado, Vanie."
My smile disappeared. "Not a good joke, Rem."
"Mapaglaro ako, oo. Pero di ko naman napipigilan nararamdaman ko. Di na ako nagbibiro, Vanie." I almost shivered. I never heard him so serious. Kahit nga pag kaharap nyan professionals e, dadaanin nya lang sa charm nya keri pa den. He's the maloko pero malakas-ang-dating guy.
Napalunok ako, di ko pinahalatang kinakabahan. "So, kasalanan ko na nahulog ka?"
He smiled cockily. "Baka. So do something para wala ka nang kasalanan."
I sighed. Pag pinatulan ko pa 'to hahaba ang kalokohan niya.
So I told him straight, "I can't, Rem."
His eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean you can't?"
"This. Us. I like what we have now and I don't want what you're implying." Alam niyang palaban ako at di niya ako nabibilog sa mga kalokohan niya. He told the first time that I'm boring, KJ, and not hot. Yet he never left my side. Ayaw nya saken no, at ayaw ko sa kanya. But no matter how we dislike each other, we need each other. Life. Ang ironic lang.
He clenched his jaw and turned silent for a few minutes.
"okay, this is not what I imagined it would turn to be." he laughed at the end but I heard his voice almost breaking.
God, I like him so much and this hurts me. I love him, actually. Pero paano kung malaman nya ang mga sikreto ko? If he saw how much broken and ruined I am? Di ko ata kakayanin.
"You love me too, Evangeline. Ramdam ko. Why push me away?" So he knows.
"I d-don't, Rem. Nagkakamali ka lang. Mahal kita pero bilang kaibigan l-"
"Bullshit." his eyes widened, unbelieving. "May kaibigan bang hinahalikan? May magkaibigang bang ganito ang tratuhan? Tangina sino sa mga kaibagan mong ginaganto mo din ha?!"
My eyes watered as he continued. "Di ka manhid, Van. Bawat pagpaparamdam ko, alam kong alam mo pero masyado mong sinasawalang-bahala. Hindi ako takot, Vanie. Sana ikaw din."
"Bakit mo ba 'ko tinutulak palayo?" frustrated niyang tanong. I kept silent as I looked at his face, memorizing it. Ang gwapo niya talaga. Loko-loko lang lagi. Itong lalaking 'to ang dahilan kung bakit ako di makatulog kakaisip sa gabi.
I wanted to explain my side. Pero para saan pa? He'll just leave me in the end so it's better to push him away now. He wouldn't accept me, my past, myself. I'm too insecure and his love could not yet equate that. Fear ruins everything for me. And I'm letting it cause I don't want to be broken again.
I'm like a broken vase. If I accepted his love, would he pick up the pieces even if it means to get hurt?
With all my will power, I stated in a cold voice, "Hindi talaga, Remus. I'm sorry. Let's not talk to each other hangga't di ka pa nagigising sa kahibangan mo."
And I left. Puta, tanggap ko na kung makakarma ako.
Because it's better to be broken early. Than for him to see my scars and get rejected later on. Di ko kakayanin.
I hope there'll be a time that our love would be greater than my fear.
I hope this is not a wishful thinking.
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a/n: Pasensya na kung andaming thesis similes lol. just happy na tapos na ako at high pa sa mga pangyayare hahah. Will write more soon. What do you guys want? :)
