PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL IS A DEATH EATER

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Much like the Ronbledore theory, the conviction that Minerva McGonagall—Head of Gryffindor House and one of Dumbledore's most trusted colleagues—is a deserves some attention not for its validity, but for the sheer audacity of the conclusions it draws from a mountain of minor details. From the very first chapter of Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, Professor McGonagall's latent "pureblood elitist ideals" are allegedly evident in her dismissal of Muggles as "not completely stupid." Though uncharitable, a belief in the inherent superiority of wizards over non-wizards is standard within the magical community, and is not necessarily synonymous with the desire to eradicate the entire Muggle population.

Likewise, the theorist finds McGonagall's taste for Quidditch, a divisive source of house rivalry and ill will, evidence of her latent maliciousness—although her fellow Quidditch fans include the likes of the Weasleys, Madam Hooch, and Oliver Wood, none of whom seem particularly inclined to evil.

Her chosen subject, Transfiguration, the theorist paints as the realm of the "shape shifting and manipulative"—again discounting the fact that Albus Dumbledore began his own illustrious Hogwarts teaching career as the Transfiguration professor.

The greatest apparent argument that McGonagall must be trafficking with the forces of evil is her seeming disregard for Harry's safety, as demonstrated by her conscripting him to the Gryffindor Quidditch team, even going so far as to provide him with a top-of-the-line racing broom; failing to prevent the basilisk attacks threatening the school during Chamber of Secrets; and allowing Harry to participate in the potentially fatal Triwizard Tournament. It's clear that this author has some serious misconceptions about the violence associated with sports, which the overwhelming majority of athletes—both wizard and Muggle—manage to survive largely unscathed on a day-to-day basis, but also about the influence one professor could conceivably have against 1) a deadly magical creature that is, even by magical standards, nearly mythical, and 2) a binding magical contract that not even Dumbledore, a much more accomplished wizard, does not dare attempt to broach. It's true, then, that she didn't protect Harry from certain dangers, but it was to do so.

Were Professor McGonagall truly the most successful double agent in Hogwarts, she would have to be a terrific actress. While Dame Maggie Smith certainly plays the aged witch with aplomb in the films, the Death Eater theory suggests that there are obvious cracks in McGonagall's façade in the books. Her emotions are inconsistent with what one might expect at certain major events: while keeping vigil outside the Dursleys' house immediately after the Potters' death, she demonstrates few signs of grief, instead appraising the situation bluntly as "all very sad." She sheds no tears for Cedric Diggory, and moves briskly about moving into Dumbledore's office and assuming the position of Headmistress after his death. She could simply be called stoic, but she demonstrates deep feeling at other times, as when Harry, Ginny, and Ron emerge from the Chamber: she takes "great, steadying gasps, clutching her chest"—a dramatic reaction, but then again, these three children were covered in blood. At other such horrifying events, she "instantly turns on the waterworks. She turns into a blubbering ball of emotion."

What, then, to make of this inconsistency? The Death Eater McGonagall theory suggests that it's all an act, a calculated distraction to hide evil McGonagall's true depth of disappointment whenever one of the Dark Lord's murderous plots are thwarted (for instance, when Harry, Ginny, and Ron emerged from the Chamber, it was after destroying one of Voldemort's Horcruxes—which may have explained why she was gasping). After all, "the other characters [...] show their deep emotion in much more simple ways," in their tone of voice or the touch of a hand or a shedding of a single tear, as opposed to McGonagall "turning into an emotional basket case." How dare one individual express feelings differently than another? She must be a Death Eater! That, or a human being with a complicated, outwardly unfathomable inner life.

Death Eater McGonagall's "true" emotions seem to surface in her interactions with one other character: Sybill Trelawney, Professor of Divination and the Seer who conveyed the prophecy that linked Harry's fate with Voldemort's. For this reason, the author posits, McGonagall openly demonstrates an extreme dislike for Trelawney, with a "childish" contempt for her colleague that can't otherwise be explained—except as disdain for her ineptitude as a teacher, disgust for such useless practices being taught in an educational setting, and an irreconcilable clash of personalities. Disliking someone, after all, doesn't make you a Death Eater, and as the events of Deathly Hallows prove, Minerva McGonagall was the furthest thing from one.

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