He's Just Not That Into Me

In a While Crocodile

"So this is it...the end of an era?" I load the last box onto the shipping truck.

"Not the end, just a new beginning," Grace gives me a cheerful smile to try and make me feel better as she sits at the end of the truck.

It doesn't work. "Maybe for you; for me, it's the end." I sit next to her.

She rests her head on my shoulder and looks up at me. "Come on, you've got Mark here with you. That's your new beginning."

That's the thing. It's not a new beginning. It's an old start. Frankly, I have my doubts on how things are going to be between us. When were together things are great, but I still can't stop thinking about our past. Being alone with my thoughts never help either. Now I'll be alone with my thoughts more than ever with Grace gone.

Instead of responding I decide to let her have this little victory. No matter how much it hurts to let her have. I'm not saying I won't survive without Grace by my side. It's just going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Even harder than when we moved away from our families. It's harder for two reasons. I've had Grace by my side for as long as I can remember; it's a lot of change to happen in the span of about a week. Change is hard enough, but when you rush it like this, it's even more difficult.

"You all ready?" Jack comes out from behind the side of the truck.

I look at him and feel fire begin to spark in my soul. I want to rip his hair out for doing this to me. This was going to be a trip for him and I to finally meet, and be takes my best friend away from me instead.

His smile though.

I can't help but notice how cheery his smile is. It's full of warmth. Happiness. There's no darkness in his eyes. They're shimmering with delight. I know he'll do everything in his power to keep her safe; he already has. Maybe I'm overreacting - shocker.

"Yup!" Grace hops off the back of the truck. I follow that way she can shut it. She turns to me. "Well," she hugs me. "See you later alligator."

I rest my head on her shoulder. "In a while . . . crocodile." My eyes begin to sting. I would blink but that risks me shedding a tear. We pull back from our hug. Jack opens the passenger door and Grace hops in. I feel Mark's embrace from behind. He pulls slightly and I give into his direction. We walk back into what is now my half empty apartment.

"You want anything to eat?" Mark is standing in my doorframe as I lay on my bed, trying to stare past him and look at the empty room behind.

I don't even really have anything to say. I don't want to say anything. I just want to disappear and never come back. What am I going to do alone all the time? Will I even be able to afford rent and food on my own?

I only realize I had forgotten to respond because all of a sudden Mark was sitting at the end on my bed rubbing my bad.

"I uh . . . I know this is hard on you. You and Grace have been friends forever, and were really close."

"Were?" I shoot a look at him.

"Are, really good friends. Believe it or not, I know exactly how it feels to lose a friend who you love, and trust with all your heart."

"Your dad?" I ask. Mark isn't afraid to talk about his dad. He's very open with it and love remembering him. A part of me wishes I didn't bring him up because I don't want to offend Mark, or accidentally hurt his feelings.

"Well, yes but that's not really who I was thinking of." He smiles at he with a quirky half smile. "I lost my friendship with you. I know I did not show it at all, but I was deeply hurt, and missed you so much."

I feel like I got hit with a ton of bricks. It was his decision to stop talking to me. Not mine. I didn't just randomly decide to ghost Mark. It was easy for him to stop talking to me. He was in a depressive state. Is dad had just died, and he had to move with his mom. Didn't have to see me anymore since he dropped out of college and disappeared. Or so I thought. Instead he became a big shot youtuber, was friends with my internet friend Jack, and got pulled back into my life.

Strange though. That he and Jack were also internet friends and played games together. Yet I somehow managed to not see any of Jack's videos that featured Mark, the boy of my entire childhood who caused me so much pain and anguish.

"You stopped talking to me." I sit up so I can face him. "You can't act like I didn't try reaching out to you. I tried many times but gave up after I thought you were just done with our frenemies relationship we had going on."

"Look, that might've not been the smartest thing for me to say right now. You're hurt, I'm just trying to make it a little better. I don't want to fight right now. I just want you to be happy."

"Fine. But we will continue this conversation." I lay back down.

He leans over and kisses my forehead. I may have been a little angry, but I really didn't want to fight.