Everything Has Changed: Book Four

Chapter Five: Pacing

This chapter is short but necessary

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Chapter Five: Pacing

I was wholeheartedly expecting him to tell me he was coming home with me.

So the next morning when he told me he was staying, I was heartbroken.

We spent the day at the beach with the kids and I was quiet all day, but he knew why. I wasn't cold to him, I was just clingy. What did he expect? I know when I leave here, I won't seen him for four more months.

Now it's late at night the next day and the kids are asleep in the bed next to us. My head rests on his chest and I can hear the steady beat of his heart. His arm is around me and his thumb is sliding up and down my arm slowly, and I realize I'm not going to hear this once I leave for another four months.

Four full months. It feels like an eternity, and tat's because to me and our kids, it is.

I bury my face in his skin and try not to cry. I don't know if he's awake, but I do know that I'm about to explode.

The thought of him not being there again makes me wish I never came here in the first place. Leaving is going to be impossible. At least I was used to not having him around.

Emily will cry because she understands that when we get on that plane, Danny isn't coming.

I sit up in bed and I feel him move his hand to my back.

I was used to not having him around.

I was used to feeling like a single Mom.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

I silently push the covers off me and walk into the bathroom. I turn the light on and shut the door quietly.

I can feel the goodbye approaching. I can feel him slipping out of my grasp. I imagine going back to that big, empty house and listening to the silence. It's the same thing over and over and over again. I don't want to FaceTime, I want to wake up and feel warm sheets next to me. I want to hear him laughing in the living room. I want to scoot over in my sleep and bump into him. I want to wake up in the middle of the night to him pulling me closer.

But he's staying here and I'm going home.

I start to pace, tangling my fingers in my hair.

I think of how dull the house is. It feels like everything around me is grey and all it takes is for me to splash a bucket of water on the wall to bring the color back.

Danny is the bucket of water.

I hear his footsteps and then he pushes the bathroom door open.

The moment my eyes lock with his, I pull my shirt over my face and start sobbing.

I hear the door shut quietly and then his arms wrap around me.

I bury my face in his shirt, shaking.

"Why are you staying?" I whimper. "I don't get it. What's here for you? Why would you want to miss all of these moments?"

"Grace, I lied to you." He says.

"Oh god, you like her, don't you?"

"No." He laughs a little. "No sweetie, I'm not staying until December. It will definitely be sooner. I lied so I could surprise you."

"When are you coming home?" I sniffle.

"I will be home for Ethan's birthday." He says.

It's August twentieth and Ethan's birthday is September eighth.

"You promise?"

"I promise. If it gets pushed, I'm leaving anyways. I swear on our lives, our house, our kids, I swear on God that I will be home before Ethan's birthday...I'm just not going to tell you when." He pauses. "If you can get through the next three weeks, excellent. If you want me home right now, that's okay too. I'll quit."

Three more weeks?

I lean against the wall, rubbing my eyes.

"I can handle three more weeks, I just can't handle four months."

"I can't either." He gives me a sad smile. "If I wasn't coming home soon, I would quit."

"So you'll be home in three weeks?" I whisper.

"One day three weeks from now." He nods. "Yes."

I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my head in his shoulder.

"Okay. I can wait three weeks."

"Okay." He rubs my hip which is something he just always does. "Are you absolutely positive you can handle it? If you have any doubts, I'm coming home with you." He pulls back to look at me.
I desperately want to tell him I can't handle it. I want to be selfish and tell him to come home, but I can handle three weeks, and all this suffering should add up to something, right? We can get through this.

"I'm positive I can handle it." I say. "Three weeks is easy."

*****

I went on a really long drive and it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow and I'm just happy because I love the rain

I'll start the next chapter but just know that a new character is coming :)

~Sam