i wanna be yours // phan

one

a/n: hi before this book starts i just wanna let u know that this is in collaboration w roo ! if u don't know who that is please check out her acc and books??? shes so amazing??? thanks pls enjoy :')

soulmate
/ˈsəʊlmeɪt/
noun
a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.

+

dan

his eyes were blue.

really blue. the kind of blue that made me want to yell at him, to watch every emotion flash through the azure pools, to dive into them like the ocean and never surface. i imagine living behind those eyes sometimes, being the little voice in his head that told him things would be alright, able to see the world the way he did.

i'd fight for this, phil, can you feel it? i'd fight to keep those eyes in my sight.

i was pretty sure he just saw my eyes as brown.

i sighed and stuck the pink eraser of the pencil balanced between my fingers in my mouth. phil hated when i did that. my back ached from being arched for so long the way it was and i flinched when i shifted on his bed, my stomach pressed flush to his blue nasa sheets, my elbows pink from being propped up on the pillows. i stared down at the messily scribbled notes on the lined paper of one of his notebooks.

"any progress?" his voice made me jump; it was thick like honey, but somehow it always left a sour taste in my mouth. i could get drunk off his vocal chords.

he always entered a room with purpose, a reason for being there, a goal. i often forgot what i was doing and had to retrace my steps for an hour before i remembered and got back on track. i twisted myself to look back at him, standing in the doorway with his arms stretched above his head to touch the wooden frame, making him look even lankier. his shirt was white and a little too small for him, and had some french singer i hadn't heard of designed on the front in faded black strokes.

"a little," i mumbled, chewing on the eraser, trying to keep the anxiety out of my voice. i laughed to counteract it. "you're never gonna pass this test."

phil groaned and climbed onto the bed. i shifted so he could sit beside me without any parts of our bodies touching. it was too much of a risk, especially with my front against his bed like that.

his eyes were stupidly blue. the kind of blue you see behind your eyelids when he's not around.

"you think so?" he ran his fingers through his hair and i got a flash of hair from his armpit. i would normally pretend to be disgusted, but that day, i couldn't. he looked good that day, better than usual, somehow.

i nodded, tapping the eraser on my lips. he reached out and took it away from me.

"you're getting germs on it," he teased, wiping it on his sheets before sticking it between his own teeth with a cocky grin.

my stomach squirmed. "sorry."

"s' okay." he lay down beside me on his back, tucking his hands behind his neck. "what if i study all night?"

i shrugged. he had a test the next day for an exam in one of the only university courses he hadn't yet failed for sure, and he hadn't studied yet, which was why he had called me to help him. it was irritating, knowing how intelligent he was while still managing to flunk every class. his mind was a lightning bug who refused to glow. "maybe. if you focus. but that isn't likely."

teasing was our language. we had perfected the art of solely communicating through joking jabs at each other, even though we both cared. me a bit more than him, though.

phil chuckled and shook his head. "fine. in a minute." he closed his eyes, giving me the chance to really admire him. his features were so set and carved looking, like he had been built by titanium and perfected by the gods. it was really incredible how i saw him in my mind, it had gotten out of control.

without thinking i reached out and pushed my fingers into his soft dark hair. he opened one eye, looking up at me.

"tired?" i asked quietly, trying to imprint all his features in my mind until they stood out on my eyelids when i closed my eyes. he nodded, letting me touch him, my fingers making their paths against his scalp, but i pulled back after a moment. it was almost too much to take.

i nodded and sighed, pressing my palms together to feel like my hands were occupied. get out of my head.

"well, you can sleep after we study."

he smiled at me, his eyelashes fluttering sleepily. he had a dimple on his chin. it felt like each day i discovered something new and wonderful about him, a new mole or quirk or way he could make my heart want to beat out of my chest.

"hey..." he bit his lip, his teeth digging into the light pink flesh. my heart sunk.

when he had that tone i knew what he was going to ask, and even when he asked it every day, i dreaded it. i looked away, avoiding his eyes.

"no, phil. not yet."

i could tell he was disappointed. phil couldn't wait, even though the very same was the bane of my existence.

because he had a soulmate, and all i had was him. him, and his stupid blue eyes.

the best way i knew how to explain it was that he was a knot. and, somewhere out there, there was another knot. and i was the string between them, keeping them somehow latched onto each other via the universe.

so phil had a built in best friend, the only one who could tell who his soulmate was. i had heard so many stories that i couldn't keep track of all of them; some people's soulmates glowed, or had some kind of aura. some strings said they just knew, like a switch had been flipped in their mind. everyone was different.

no matter how i knew when it happened, i couldn't stand the thought. i knew phil couldn't wait for the day i answered yes, phil, i found them. i found the one person you're meant to be with, so now you can leave me behind like baby teeth-

"you good?"

phil was poking my arm. i flinched.

"yeah," i breathed, blinking. i needed to stop letting my mind get the best of me. "i'm fine."

i felt like crying and i stared down at the messy notes, scribbled on the lined notebook paper. even his handwriting made my heart ache.

every day was a reminder he wasn't mine. because i wasn't even allowed to love anyone. i wasn't supposed to want to.

but i did.

--
hi it me - roo