i wanna be yours // phan

four

phil

"everything good here boys?" dan's mother made an appearance at the threshold of his room, still dressed far too formal with lines creasing her forehead. i know she doesn't like me-well, everyone knows after her drunk breakdown at my house about how much she wished dan didn't have to be my string. and it makes sense, kind of, because people with soulmates are superior to those who don't have them, that's just how this society works.

dan's parents, a mediocre string couple who fights far too much to be considered functional but still do everything in their will to stay together, just so they aren't the punching bags of the city. to not be the people who are brought up in every conversation when someone decides to step out of line, people who are used as an example of pure failure.

my parents, well, there's nothing really to talk about them. the classic soulmate couple, rich, flamboyant and annoyingly ignorant. i don't really care for them although sometimes the reminder of their negligence forms gentle cracks in my chest. i've learned to ignore that bit.

"what're you thinking?" dan taps my knee and i look towards the door to find his mother gone. i turn my attention towards him and smile half heartedly.

"nothing," i dismiss the concerned look in his eyes. "can i stay over?"

"why?" he rolls his eyes and flops back onto the bed and i do my best to pout at him. i just can't be bothered to go home, i'm tired and dan is good company.

"it's already like ten, we have to wake up in two hours i'd rather stay here," i lay back next to him, both our heads resting on a single fluffy pillow and our arms pressed tightly together. i can feel the warmth of his skin against mine.

"you mean eight hours,"

"same thing," i turn on my side to look at his face and watch as his cheeks flush. he is kind of adorable.

"okay," he drags out the word slowly and looks away from me. i poke the dimple in his left cheek, not really to annoy him but to watch as he gets flustered because dan expresses so many emotions it's actually insane. i'm always surprised at how he reacts to things that won't matter to me for half a second, and yet, this boy can spend almost an entire month fretting over it.

"stop!" he turns to face me with his cheeks slightly pinker than they were a few seconds ago and i laugh softly, dragging my fingers across his forehead to push the hair away from his eyes.

"you should cut your hair," i tell him, wrapping a curl loosely around my index finger.

"i wanted to keep it a bit longer," he purses his lips, looking up at me for reassurance. "you don't like them this way?" his voice has already gotten smaller. jesus he can cry about anything if he wants to.

i just wrap my arm around his waist and pull him closer to me so our chests are touching and i can feel his heart racing incredulously against mine.

"i do like it, i was just saying it's getting in your eyes," i shrug. his heart is still beating a little too fast and his body is stiff. "you okay?" i rub his lower back and he lets out a shaky sigh before burying his face in my neck and falling limp in my grip.

"yeah, 'm fine," he mumbles and i pull him closer, drawing unknown shapes on his back.

holding someone feels good, therapeutic almost. not like i need therapy for anything, i don't really care about things but the thought of holding her like this, a bit closer probably, with her breathing steady against my skin and her hands bunching up my tshirt sounds exceptional. i feel like i'll finally have something to give, something that only belongs to her.

i can try and be compassionate for things that are important, but i haven't found anything important yet. hopefully, she'll step in and change that.

i hope dan finds her before christmas, i want to spend the holidays with her. i can take her to the family log cabins up in the north where the snow is a little more magical and everything smells like firewood and marshmallows. she can be my escape while my parents hold parties in the house, we can sneak out and sit in my backyard drinking wine. i want to compare her eyes to the stars and her lips to sweet cherry pie and-

"what's on your mind?" dan mutters sleepily against my neck and i breathe out a sigh, letting my hand travel up to pat his head.

"you don't wanna talk about it," and as soon as the words are out of my mouth he shifts away from me and turns his back towards me, his body moving visibly with how heavily he sighs.

"dan?" i call out his name, slightly confused. did i say something wrong?

"go to sleep phil," his voice sounds distant but i don't really want to acknowledge it. maybe he's just tired.

i suddenly realise the exhaustion in my own body and stretch my legs out, shifting further away from dan and grabbing the duvet from the foot of the bed to drape it over both of us.

"night dan," i reach out to ruffle his hair one last time and he doesn't reply, he just buries his face in the pillow and wraps the covers tighter around himself.

and i think about her until my brain gives up and lets me fall asleep.

--
im away from home and this place is so pretty with its valleys and rivers and big gravelly roads yes?? yes
also hru
-annanya