i wanna be yours // phan

six

phil

i stretch my arms above my head and a small groan slips my mouth when i feel the pull in my muscles. dan's bedroom window is covered by inefficient blinds that flush the entire room with pale, muted sunlight and i run my fingers through my hair lazily as i yawn. next to me, dan is curled into himself. his body has gravitated more towards me in his sleep.

i roll over and wrap my arms around his waist, pulling him closer and burying my nose in the back of his curly head and he moves around a little bit before backing into me. he's really warm in the mornings, he always has been, and i can feel my fingers warming up as i press them against the exposed skin of his stomach.

"wake up," i mumble in his hair and when he doesn't react i squeeze him tighter and repeat myself a bit louder.

"what?" he whines, his 't' sounding more like an 'r'.

"wake up, i wanna go to starbucks," i pout even though he can't see me and i feel his body shake a little bit as he giggles. he turns in my grip to face me and buries his head in my chest sleepily.

"five minutes idiot," he yawns and i sigh dramatically before continuing to play with his hair.

london weather has to be more unpredictable than the pop quizzes my old history professor used to make, and that's saying a lot. the sky was heavily clouded when we walked out and now i can see every speck of golden in dan's eyes as he looks at me eagerly in the bright sunlight, his voice gentle but his words quick as he talks about something irrelevant.

i stare mindlessly at the people scattered around me. there are a lot of pretty girls walking on the same pavement as i am but none of them are distinct. somehow i feel like i will know who she is when i see her. she must have the softest smile or brightest eyes or freckles that dot down her neck like constellations. she must wear something oddly pleasing to the eyes, not conventional but nothing too revolutionary. something that's just her.

"are you listening?" dan winds his fingers around my hand and i just shake my head before smiling at him. i lace our fingers together and huff out a deep breath.

"let me guess what's got you distracted," dan says in a tone that's not exactly friendly. it's more on the annoyed side, like he's bothered or bored or both.

"i'm sorry okay? you won't get how it feels to know there's someone out there just for me, and she could be here, anywhere around us and i'm so blind to it,"

"she's not here," he pulls his hand away from mine. "and yeah, you're right, i'll never know how it feels. i know i'm just a string but you could be a little more considerate and not rub it in my face," he begins to increase his pace a little and i watch as he sways his hips in a manner that screams that he's pissed, his curly hair bouncing on his head.

"hey," i catch up to him, putting my arm around his shoulders and holding him tightly so he can't push me off. "you know that's not what i'm trying to do," i keep my voice down and duck my head a little so he would look at me.

he doesn't, obviously. he just turns his head the other way.

"dan. . ."

"what?" his tone is sharp.

"i'm sorry okay? i know i'm being obsessive but i don't mean to annoy you," it's kind of the only thing i think or care about right now.

"you're not annoying," he says in a softer tone. "i'll tell you when i find her but when you zone out all the time it makes me feel like i'm not important enough to you,"

"don't say that," i scratch the back of my head awkwardly. i never know what to say when dan acts like he's my girlfriend.

"it's true though, isn't it? you just- never mind," he rolls his eyes and i would ask him to explain more and tell me what he's feeling but i know i won't be able to understand or comfort him, so i stay silent.

he'll feel better, eventually.

--
hbd to my only king @ daniel howell what?? a?? wholesome?? man?? the world would be empty without him thanks he deserves everything

also hi im writing from the afterlife bc a bitch has been found dead wbu

-annanya