Gender and Sexuality Alliance

Gender (Part 2)

When I was about 11 years old, I came across another YouTuber. He was kind and hilarious and about to announce his very own tour. His name was Miles McKenna. I watched him before he came out as transgender, and it was great to have someone to relate to. He shared stories of questioning his gender, and being misgendered in stores and in public (before he used he/him pronouns). I related to nearly everything he said. 

And then he came out. 

I think I was a couple months away from being 12. It was really good for me to get to know someone who had come out transgender and to see that it didn't change their personality. It didn't make them a better or worse person. It just make them happy and confident. I wasn't even the one who came out, but I was so inspired, and something clicked with me. Miles came out to be happier and to be honest with himself and others. He didn't hide who he was, or pretend so that other people could be happy. He gave me hope that I could do the same. 

After school got out in June of 2017, I worked up the courage and asked my mother to buy me a binder. This was a little while after I had come out to her as agender, and she still wasn't 100% sure about it -- she still claimed that this was all a trend. Today, she accepts me, even if she still doesn't understand how they/them pronouns work. But back then, it was a milestone for me. 

My mom wasn't sure what a binder was, so I had to explain to her that it was a way to safely secure my chest so I looked a bit more androgynous. She didn't ask any further questions, and ordered it. I don't know if she was just unsure of how to respond, or was holding her tongue, but I'm thankful that she did. 

When a small parcel arrived at the door, I was thrilled. I opened up the bag to find a piece of fabric that looked a little like a crop-top tank-top. On the front part there was padding, and the back had a sort of spandex material. I tried it on, already feeling better than I had in a long time. I was filled with a happiness so great that it is almost indescribable now. I felt like I belonged in my own skin for once, and it was euphoric. <3

At this point, I should probably mention my relationship with my hair.

I had extremely long hair for a very long time. When I was about 5 years old, my hair was down to my waist, and was shoulder length up until the middle of 5th grade. That is when I got lice. And if you have ever had lice, you know that you have to cut your hair super short to actually take action and get rid of them. 

So by mistake and misfortune, I discovered how much I loved short hair. Up until this point, I had never really had a connection with my hair. I didn't care how long it was or how it looked or how I treated it. But once I cut my hair short, I realized that long hair just wasn't for me, and how uncomfortable it had made me feel. It was like drinking lemonade without sugar -- I had just gotten used to the bitter taste. But sugar made everything better. The shorter my hair was, the more confident I felt. I experimented with bobs (a horrible decision, really), shaving parts of my hair (sooooo much worse -- I wish that I could burn that memory from my mind and everyone else's), and finally landed on some styles that I digged. Since 5th grade, I have made my hair my own through colors, lengths, and cuts that I am happy with.

With my hair short and my chest (somewhat) binded, I felt so much more comfortable with my own body. 

Today, I still have ups and downs and many, many doubts about how I present myself. I've talked about top surgery in the future, and possible hormones, but nothing is for certain. And it's the uncertainty that gets me sometimes. I tend to wish that everything could be laid out for me, and that nothing was confusing and everyone would understand and things were simple.

But this journey has made me stronger, and I wouldn't change a thing. Every bad reaction and every glare and every whisper has led up to me being the person I am today, and that is a person I am proud of.

This was only part 2 of my gender exposition, and I can assure that there could be at least 20, but I will spare you the time. Besides, my gender grows as I grow, and who knows -- maybe 5 years in the future I'll go through with my dreams of top surgery and hormones. I could transition onto a they/them, he/him sort of person. The fact is, nobody knows. All that matters is your happiness. 

And that, is just fine.